Friday, December 03, 2004

I'm Glammy Mad

Hi Kids,

Hope you all had a fine Turkey Day. Berna and I spent the Holiday at the "Fish Mongers" retirement home in Alaska with my mother. Of course we had Salmon and an odd dessert called Sardine's foster, mmm.... I only go see my mother once a year just because that's enough.

Now,I am not one to be upset about not being recognized for my hard work and have in the past for my roles in "The Planet of the Apes" I won the extra of the year award. Many years later for my turn as "The Reception dancer" in Steel Magnolia's I won the coveted EXIE. However I am a little upset that I did not even get a mention or even an invite to the 2004 GLAMMY Awards, poor Brini maxwell and I were snubbed just because we are on television. I think the GLAMMY committee , whomever they are, should give an award for best television performer. I think I was more upset that I did not get an invite, bastards. I know that I shouldn't get upset but I would have liked to storm the stage like JIMMY James and declare my Glammy misfortune.
I need a drink, it's all too much for me. I am Glammy Mad.

Ciao, MargOH!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

A Moral Dilemma for Bush

Oh, oh, Kids,

A single tear fell into my glass of Sake this morning.

A second tear dropped into my Heinz Ketchup (I use that stuff to dip EVERYTING in!) for the loss of this election to "The Bush".

A third tear dropped into my bag of Lay's, as I wondered if he can live up to the people that said they voted for him because of "Moral Issues".

The last tear dripped into my Nair as I wondered how someone with no compassion, no heart, no consideration and no conscience be held in such esteem by so many people?

Mussolini? Hitler? Ohhhhhhh, right, I almost forgot.

To quote Donna Summer and that ever faithful Dem, La Streisand, no more tears! Its time for action!!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Fascinating Rythym

Hey Kids,

Guess what? I am taking dance lessons with my building super Glenda at the Broadway Dance Center. We are doing Tap and Jazz but we plan to work up to Tango soon (anyone want to be my partner??? I’m afraid of being that intimate with Glenda and forget Berna…she INSISTS on leading). Glenda is surprisingly limber for a woman of her size.

Once I put on those tap shoes my feet started to move like salmon swimming up stream. It was terribly exciting! I want everyone to join in on the fun! I feel so energized by Tap!

I also am so happy that I am spending this precious bonding time with Glenda. Truthfully though, at times she looks a bit like Ed Wood. But it is encouraging to know that even scary people can have fascinatin’ rhythm.

Dancing is like a medicine, not as good as a vodka martini mind you, but a medicine nonetheless. Our teacher, Birdie, looks a lot of Elaine Stritch (except Birdie is 24). Birdie was recently let go from the cast of Hairspray because she stepped on Bruce Vilanch’s hemline and tore his skirt right off during a Sunday matinee and three elderly women had to be rushed to the hospital for temporary blindness.

She is a task-master and has us all tapping like mad. I lost 2 lbs the first night…of course I gained it back the next day after I ate that 4 lb “value” bag of Dirty Chips for breakfast, but whatever.

I am planning to give up chips and start eating grapes, beets and apples to ensure some weight loss (we don’t want to think about how that weight loss will occur when I start sucking down the apples and beets…). So with diet and dancing (and whatever else) I aim to lose 20 pounds. It’s a new MargOH, kids.

I'll be back soon with a Halloween report. Parties, parties, parties! And I will tell you all about
my most recent guest, the fabulous Linda Simpson, and her magazine “My Comrade”.

Ciao for now,


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Don Zimmer and Me

Hi Kids,

Berna and I were invited to attend the Yankees/Red Sox game last night by my “special” friend, Don Zimmer.

We got the royal treatment (who knew there were personal chiropodists in the boxes??? I’ve been meaning to get rid of that bunion for years now!). I also had the chance to meet Steinbrenner. One word…halitosis. Yuk.

Anyway we had a Fab time. Don even flew in some rare sake for little ole MargOH! Not only that but they had a Gluten Free beer for me to wash down that sake. I did a Sake Boiler maker with Cindy Adams! How fun!

The game was quite enjoyable even though the Yankees lost. It just amazes and inspires me to see all of those overweight beer guzzling, tobacco chewing, athletes. It gives me hope that this Sake drinking, pain killer taking and post-menopausal woman can still become a professional figure skater. Watch out Michelle Kwan here I come!!! (Berna is dialing my old friend Tonya Harding as I write this…I know she’s boxing now but I really think she would be a perfect coach for me)

The fun really didn't begin until Berna and I got to go to the locker room and mingle with the boys. I just adore A-Rod. His ball slapping talent in getting to first base didn't compare to the ball slapping he had going on in the locker room if you know what I mean. All I could think of was the song "Make someone happy, just one person happy and you will be happy too". MMM, go A-ROD.

Berna was, of course, all over Matsui but he didn’t take to her advances. She did manage to nab a bathroom attendant. She’s disgusting.

Naturally I ended my evening with Don…and that pesky wife of his. She thinks we are still an item but Don and I are just “special” friends. I enjoy his dirty jokes, he enjoys my dirty…well anyway, in the end, Don is just a little too old for me and his supply of Viagra isn't enough to keep me interested.

But as a drinking buddy, no one can hold a candle.

Love ya Don and thanks for the sake Baby!

Ciao, MargOH!

PS- Go Sox!!! hehe

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Uh Oh! It's Celiac

Hey Kids,

It's been a while since my last confession, oh excuse me, I mean blog. I was really not feeling well and couldn’t possibly drag myself to the keyboard.

To be blunt I went through more nylons than June Allyson went through Depends. Diarrhea is terribly unglamorous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not to mention costly.

I was weak and had vertigo, very much like the time when I drank too much Ouzo in Greece with Rodney Dangerfield. (As a side note I would like to say that Rodney D. (as I called him - wouldn’t want to confuse him with the GREAT love of my life, you see) will be sorely missed, I just adored him. His dramatic stylings will never be matched. I also understand he was a comedian. He truly was a gem. Once he told me I was as pretty as his mother's uncle. Isn’t that adorable? Of course I was on all fours and holding onto the bed posts, but that's a story for another time, Love you always, Rodney D. baby)

The vertigo was so bad that I had to lean on Berna everywhere we went! It wasn't fun at Daffy's in the bathroom if you know what I mean.... discount clothing can be so slippery.

I went to the doctor and they told me I was anemic and must be bleeding somewhere so they sent me straight for an endoscopy. It wasn't all bad. Sort of brought up a lot of memories for me…all those times I had my stomach pumped at 54 and the sex parties Robert Reed used to throw.

Well, after a couple of days, they came back with a result that knocked me off my mules. Kids…my doc told me that I had Celiac Disease, an autoimmune disease that attacks your intestines when you ingest gluten from Wheat, Rye, oats and barley. Of course I was alarmed because I had just eaten a loaf of Rye bread and 3 six packs of Rheingold!

(Still no gin for months now, Thank you Dr. Beefachaki)

This is bad timing. I just started to tape my second season and getting ready to go full force.

Of course then I had to figure out what in the hell I was going to eat! Fortunately I can still eat potato chips, so I was set for breakfast but what about second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, second dinner, dessert and midnight snack????? Not to mention all of my cravings in between!

I had Berna go to all the health food stores from 1st to 10th ave to find me Gluten-free items. The stress of it all was overwhelming at first but when I realized there were 3 different brands of Potato Vodka at Astor Place Liquors I calmed down considerably. And sake is made of rice, thank god. Berna has done a great job on doing some research and has led me to and

I even met up with a few other Gluten-free gals so things aren't so bad after all. No need to worry about lil’ ol’ MargOH, kids, she’ll be just fine.

I have two upcoming shows to tape. I am feeling stronger everyday so we will see how it goes.

Crap we will have to tell the Kraft people not to do finger sandwiches and Ho-Ho’s in the green room, only corn tortilla's and salsa!

But I’ll always have my sake, my precious sake.

Ciao, MargOH!

Thursday, September 23, 2004

A Night with Nellie McKay

Hey Kids,

I have been just a busy little beaver tracking down guests and writing new shows for the upcoming season. Honestly it has completely worn me out! Especially since Berna has been no help whatsoever, lolling about the house all day, reading Teen People and eating platters of smoked kipper.

Despite this hectic pace I simply had to make time to see my darling friend, singer/songwriter Nellie McKay. She played at the Laila Lounge as part of The Williamsburg Jazz Festival, a week ago Friday. I knew I wouldn't be able to make her performance at the Great Wall of China because of my harrowing schedule, so I cleaned my calendar for the night and made plans to see Nellie's show.

Berna and I hopped on the L train to have a drink at my shot girl GG's place beforehand. As these things sometimes go, one drink turned into way too many Lychee martinis. At least the mood was festive which kept GG and Berna under control. I was so afraid that they would get into a brawl. I couldn't have that happen in Williamsburg! What would my favorite little hispters think of me if THAT happened??!!!

Anyway, we staggered down the street to try and get a good seat but the lounge mainly was standing room only. I had to lean on Berna for my heels were killing me! I have to start wearing flats. Ouch, ouch, ouch. GG got us a couple of vodka and tonics. Still off the gin! Yeah!

When Nellie came in she was struggling with a large book of sheet music. I think she needs a Berna, someone to carry things for her and what not. That shows me that she is the real deal and she likes to brave these things on her own. Then again if she had someone like Berna she would probably end up doing it on her own anyway!

Nellie had her hair in a fabulous French twist and her eyeliner was at such a perfect angle that it even gave her hair more height. Her outfit was just this fabulous little vintage number, I think or was it black or blue...remember I was on my 8th or 9th drink and I had lost a contact in the men's room (I never knew how friendly those Williamsburg boys could be!). One thing I do know for certain, I don't have to worry about this girl as far as style is concerned. She is Hot.

Anyway, Nellie performed beautifully, just letter perfect. She did seem a bit tired half way through her set, mentioning that she was off her Meds and could not look anyone straight in the eye (I'm the same way when I'm off my sake). I don't know what came over me but I yelled out "Nellie, MargOH! is here". She paused and smiled, looking absolutely thrilled and remarked how lovely it was to hear my voice. She asked me what I would like to hear her perform. Naturally I said "Really" because this is my absolute favorite song off of her 2 disc debut " Get Away From Me", brimming with many sparkling gems.

I could easily see one of the greats, Judy, Peggy, Billie, covering this song if they were still around. She is such a lovely and gifted performer, I just think she is the best around these days.

After the show I spent some quality time with Nellie. We've made plans to do some vintage clothes shopping when her touring schedule and my show taping and PR tornado quiets down. Don't be surprised if you turn around in the City Opera Thrift Shop and see yours truly standing right behind you!

It's nice to see such a young girl being so gracious and kind with a great flair and sense of Style. Kids do yourselves a favor and Run out and buy her CD. You won't regret it.



Monday, September 20, 2004

Fashion Week

Hi Kids,

I attended Fashion Week and all I have to say is:


At least Narciso served Sake



Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Went to Visit Berna's people

Hi Kids,

This past weekend Berna and I packed up our corsets, thongs and Kim Fung (my darling little pooch) and went to visit Berna's hometown, Providence, Rhode Island.

Usually we stay with her twin sister Rodnella Davis. Truthfully I have always been a little suspicious that Rodnella is really not her twin sister. The difference in hair texture, Berna is a brunette while Rodnella is a Red head...oh yeah and Rodnella is about 4 inches taller than Berna. But whatever...

Anyway we arrived and Rodnella had made a Pork Roast in the crock-pot and we ate our little hearts out. After eating I had such pain I had to take 2 dolls and a glass of champers to relax, thankfully it worked. I must go to the doc's office to find out what's going on. It wasn't a pretty sight for such a glamorous lady as I.

It was a lovely weekend other than the fact that Berna is off of her mood meds and is always as cranky as a lobster in a trap. (I must remember to slip a happy doll into her Boston crème donut tomorrow)

We rode around shopping for lovely ladies things. I bought a new pair of pants and fab poncho to wear on an upcoming episode of the show.

Berna, Rodnella and I also went out dancing to a club called "Dark Lady" (although I would have preferred it was much darker than it was!). It was pleasant but they put on a transvestite show that was a real drag. I gotta do some more live stuff, I'm gettin itchy to let my juices flow live and in person.

Speaking of my hit show, I have been on hiatus and gearing up for some new episodes. It will be just grand! The creative juices are flowing in some really strange places. Actually I may have to go back to Dr. Beefachaki for a tune up. Although I have not had any Gin since my Sake withdrawal program I have dabbled in Vodka, Rum, Scotch, whiskey, wine, beer, Nyquil and witch hazel.

Uh Oh!, I gotta run, that Pork Roast is still running through me...

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Off to the Open

Hi Kids,

Last night I went to the US Open to enjoy some great tennis. You don't know this but I adore to play tennis and have been playing for years. I just love the feeling of that fuzzy ball cupped in my hand while I grab hold of my stick, I mean raquet.

I love traveling on the 7 train and would never take a car service even though yesterday I should have because I was forced to go with Pixie Plains and one of her friends Carlo. Carlo is the personal assistant to one of the up and comers Feliciano Lopez. He got courtside tickets for the hot match between Serena and Jennifer, no need for last names. It was exciting we were right next to the Williams box so I was able to see Naomi campbell. Pixie was up to her antics drinking way to much and yelling out sexual things to both players. Carlo and I moved up a few rows to get away but we were kicked out of our seats by Bill Murray. he acted like he did not know me and I was insulted because I was an exta in caddyshack, I played caddy # 6. Anyway the match was very good and little Jen, Jen held her own and pulled it out even though there was a questionable call or should I say calls. That should not take away the fact that they both played their hearts out and the best woman of the day won. Thank god too because i had a shitload of money riding on Jen's ass. I better call my bookie Roofie and get my cash...

Well kids it's off to fashion week so I will be very busy and i will recap everything for you in a few days. I know you can't wait.

I'm gearing up for my next season of shows so look out soon.

Ciao, MargOH!

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Keep George out of My Bush

Hey Kids,

After my last post you know I can't tell any tails about the secret meetings but I will say this, Bab's breasts are really lookin good, she was wearing a bustier made of Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers and shades made of recycled Heinz Ketchup bottles, very trendy.

Well, I did go to many of the protests and they were very inspiring and my favorite sign was one that was a picture of Barbara Bush that read "Barbara what nice Boobs you have" with the faces of evil George I and evildoer George II in the place her breasts should have been. The thing I love about protest is that the most creative people come out and make for a true democratic rant.

Now, I rarely watch television but I did catch a show this holiday weekend that I have to say is quite entertaining. It is the Surreal life and it has two of my best buds in it this season, Charo and Gitte Nielson, I love them, Charo is so coochie, coochie and Gitte well is just plain stinking rich and a dear friend. She is the only woman who can drink me under the table and she has. Gitte and I go way back, she performed at my cabaret in Bangkok and we even did a duet of "Sisters" . It was nice to see her looking so lovely but I do have to talk to her about her posture, she has a bit of a hunch and thats not good for women of our age, mmmm, Hope she can correct that and i can't wait to see what happens next on that show.

Oh, I've lost my way. I am suppose to be talking about bush. Oh, well it must be the sake kicking in. I think I am going to shave my Bush because it's been there too long and it's getting bothersome. Yes, the sake is kicking in, ouch I cut myself, Berna call the 911....

Monday, August 30, 2004

Republicans Lurking around every corner

Hi Kids,

I have to do one entry to let you know how I'm "holding up" during the RNC. I'm frightened! Yesterday I was entering my building and a man that bore a striking resemblance to Dick Cheney was lurking outside the door to my state-of-the-art secure building, and he had a Hunting Knife in his back pocket. Enough to make me a blood necklace...

I should explain my fear. You see, I am on the list of celebrities that get under George Bush's skin. I am right under poor Carol Channing. Only alphabetically of course. I haven't actually ever been under Carol Channing...well, there was that one time that I snuck into Sammy Davis Jr's New Years party back in '79...but that is a whole other story.

Berna and I were contacted by Moby a few months ago. He let me know that Lynne Cheney had seen my show while she was staying in New York and heard me tell my viewers that she was having lunch with Boy George and Rosie. It's true! I saw her at Pastis and they were having a gay old time. But, of course, in typical "down low" style, she didn't want any of her Republican chums to know about it (the ridiculous disguises that one uses!) .

Now I know her daughter is a Lesbian and she SAYS she is ok with it but I heard her saying something about "carpet munching dyke" and then rehabilitation. Next thing I know Rosie ran off in a huff (although to be fair that one runs off in a huff at the drop of trucker cap) and then Boy got confused and started singin "You spin me round" (which I find odd because that wasn't even his song!!).

The List is really long and includes La Striesand, the Sarandon- Robbins', myself and in bold they just added Margaret Cho. At least I am in good company. W ith the exception of Susan Lucci. With that hair and those teeth and THOSE gowns...I had her pegged a Banana Republican for sure. That's a lesson kids, never judge a book by its Nolan Miller cover. They still had poor Ann Miller on the list, as well, even though she 's been dead for years! Well, Berna (looking over my shoulder) is insisting Ann only died recently. Don't let anyone fool you. Micks has been playing "Weekend at Bernie's" with her for years now. Poor, poor Ann.

Anyway, there is going to be a secret meeting this weekend of the listed at an undisclosed location to bond and help each other through this convention. There is going to be a special ceremony to remember the many people blacklisted during the McCarthy era. I don't think I will be able to talk about it so this will be my only entry for the week.

Going back to my suspicions that I am being followed, when I left for my manicure this morning the same, knife-wielding from outside my building man was getting a pedicure! By the looks of his claws he had never had one done before either. I called Pixie Plains to protect me, she's one tough broad ain't no delegate or VP gonna mess with Miss Plains .

I went to the Protest on Sunday, incognito of course, as a plain clothed man. Nothing makes me more sick than a republican running loose in this city, asking directions and looking scared...or smug, depending on where they are . After the meeting I am outta here for a few days. Yoko is letting me use her home upstate. Berna is staying behind to protect the homefront from the likes of Bush and Cheney.

Of course you know I'm whispering all of this in case I am being bugged.

Wishes, MargOH!

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Everyone's Howling

Hi Kids,

After my time at the spa (the wheat and oatmeal bath was fabulous!) for some reason I'm getting itchy. I don't know why! I've had strange rashes before but usually on my thighs. Oi! Well I guess I’ll keep an eye on that.

I got back just in time for the 2nd Annual HOWL Festival that celebrates and continues to revive the arts scene in the LES (Lower East Side to those not in the know).

You see the Lower East Side is famous for those living the bohemian lifestyle as well as promoting art and culture, amongst other things. Myself, I was always more of an uptown girl (with a bad side, of course) but as I have gotten older I seem to have embraced my bad side full on and love everything a little edgy and fun, this is one of the reasons I haven't been returning Kathie Lee Gifford's phone calls. She 's so out of the loop, poor dear.

Talk about out of the loop! When I arrived back at home I found Berna playing cards and smoking cigars with the likes of notorious chanteuse and glamour gal (yeah, RIGHT!) Pixie Plains.

You must remember Pixie from my Halloween episode where she and Berna ruined my interview with Danny Devito and made me think I had killed him. Sick joke if you ask me, but it really boosted my ratings and I finished second to "The Simpson’s" that night.

I could tell that they were up to no good. I inquired what they had been getting up to but they wouldn't fess up. I know that Pixie is bad news so I'll have to wait to see what happens.

I couldn’t stand the stench in there so I headed over to the Pioneer movie theatre to catch a flick that featured the work of one of my favorite people and favorite artists in the whole world, Penny Arcade.

It was a documentary comprised of her work shown on the weekly show featured on MNN called "The Lower East Side Biography Project" that focuses on the great artists and unique individuals that have lived and given a great deal to the arts, culture and people of the neighborhood, past and present.

It was a wonderful film and I cannot say enough about how important this work is and how it is a living history of some great people whom might not get the attention they deserve in the future and that would be very sad indeed. I hope Penny realizes what a wonderful thing it is she and her collaborators have done and should be extremely proud. Please do yourself a favor and watch the LES biography series shown on Wednesdays at 11PM on channel 34/107 with MNN.

I had the pleasure of catching up with little Pen and she looks just fabulous! My love is always very sweet and gracious, I just adore her. Her sexy husband Chris isn’t too bad either. Rowrrrrr…

On that note I have to go because Berna needs a cupcake so we are heading over to Billy's Bakery (that disgusting Pixie is STILL here…she just moaned something about Billy can frost her cupcake any day…she’s a pig!).

I'll finish up on my HOWL update when I return.



Tuesday, August 24, 2004

My sister Rita

Hi Kids,

After my time with Liza and Pappy I was on a buzz, almost like smoking Maui Waui is that how you spell it, well I mean weed, pot, grass is what they called it in my day.
I didn't get back to NY until Thursday, just in time for the weekend but I decided to look up some family. I spent a couple hours with one of my sisters Rita Coleman, she was once married to Gary Coleman's father and now was living quite comfortably in a , must I say it, trailer park on the outskirts of San Diego. I rarely see my family but Rita is special. She has a knack for livin life day by day and never lets anything get her down and she like myself loves a drink so it's fun to get together and talk about old times and old lovers and believe me Rita has a lot."Pappy" let me use his car service and we drove to Rita's and when we arrived amongst the tumbleweeds I could not figure out which trailer was hers, they all looked the same but then I spotted one that was hot pink and I knew it must be hers so I went to the door and dusted off my mules and I knocked on the door. Now it had been some time since I saw Rita, I think it was on the set of Matlock and Rita was doing a guestspot and not to mention Andy Griffith.

Rita came to the door and I was quite taken a back, she had gained a bit of weight and she had lost some of her looks. At first I don't think she realized who it was but I said Rita , babe its MargOH! Oh! baby MargOH! You sweet little thing, she said, come on in ya old drunk,(laughing and squeezing me a bit too tight)I have not been drinking as much lately Rita, I said, just Sake. What in the hell is Sake she said as she broke open a bottle of wild turkey. No pleas, I said none for me. Aw stop that Rita said and poured me a big glass on the rocks and tossed me a bag of Pork Rinds. You are a class act Rita let me tell you and we both roared with Laughter and then I noticed that poor Rita was missing a few teeth and she told me that the alimony had run out after Gary won his lawsuit with his parents and she was living on the kindness of strangers.... and she was in the process of getting a patent on her crochet Tea kettle Cozy, she said they were selling like hotcakes at the local fleamarket.
I thought how sad it was so I pulled out 200 bucks and slapped it on the table, I have a heart ya know. It's been a rollercoaster ride for these two sisters from Bangor, Maine but we always dig our selves out of the hole somehow. Are paths have been similar but that's where the comparison ends, I'm much prettier and was never as much of a tramp. I was going to stay a couple of days but it was depressing seeing my sister, the once great character actress in such a state. I decided to take a nap because Rita had gone out to get some food, so I thought. I woke up and went into the bathroom to freshen up and when I came out "Pappies" driver was getting serviced by Rita. It made me sick, so I slapped that cock out of her mouth and dragged him out on his ear. Really, I can't go any further but lets just say Rita will not be visiting MargOH! in NY anytime soon. If anyone found out that my , well you know what I mean.... this event had me so wound up that I had to take a day at the Rancho Mirage to relax before flying back. I do love most of my family but when they get messy I just can't handle it...

Later Kids,


Saturday, August 21, 2004

Red Eye to Lizamay (Cont'd)

Hi Kids,

When I last left you I was headed to see Lizamay at her performance in San Diego. "Pappy" picked me up and we headed straight for the venue. I just love San Diego so I dialed Berna to have her check on what it costs to live in and around the city. I have to give her something to do. We made our way to the tent area wher Liza was preparing for a sound check and she ran to "pappy" . "Oh! Pappy I am so glad you can do this with me". Then I stepped out from "Pappy" and little Liza seemed indifferently thrilled to see me. "Hey Margie, how's it going, now you know I don't need you tonight so don't even ask me"(pointing a shakey finger at me then with a laugh and a soft hug). Liza, babe I wouldn't dream of stepping in for you tonight, you are looking the tops doll. Now I heard that you had a few problems with your costumes in atlanta and you got a little sweaty, I said. "Yes, well you know I always get hot". I started to take of my off the should satin Top with Rhinestone clasp when... Billy Stritch said, those are the second best tits in the business as he cupped Liza's. Oh! Shut up you big fag, give Margie a hug. I handed the top to Liza and said wear this and she grabbed it. I took Billy's arm and ran across the stage to the paino and said. Let's do Moon River. Billy nodded and said, can you? Mmm, probably not so lets do "ladies who Lunch" I said. Now you're talkin... I sang and Billy played with earphones on and it was like the old times at eighty-eights or some place like that.

A little back story is in order.

You see one time Liza was performing at the winter garden back in the ... well I won't say what decade and she was a sell out every night. Though one night after a performance the party got wild and Liza was the life of the party but she became a bit crazy and ran off with Burt Reynolds and was not seen for hours... The producers were besides themselves and could not find her and she had a matinee to perform so instead of cancelling the show and getting any bad press they searched high and low for an impersonator. They could find no-one and it was 12pm, 3 hours to show time, still no Liza. Lucky me I had been walking around times square and stopped for a hot dog and was sucking down a chili dog and a gentleman grabbed me by my wrist threw me in a car and said "How'd you like to be Liza Minnelli for a few hours" I said but I have a meeting with Saul Sheinbaum for an audition for the Musical "Mammie two toes". "Forget about it babe", this is the big time" he said. It was crazy, I was rushed into the dressing room and thrown into a sequin pant suit(too big I may add).I demanded to know what was going on, all he said was. "There's 10 grand in it for you if you sit here and listen to this run through of the show". "Liza's on a bender and we need you to fill in, Last nights show was taped for the recording and you need to do the best you can to Lip Sync this show". I started to walk out when the man said, I am Fred Ebb and you will do this or I will let everyone know you were about to do an audition for a porn film. "That's not true" I said. "Saul went rough trade and is now doing porn Lady, wake up, he said. I dashed back to my chair and said MargOH!Channing will never do the casting couch or any porn, fine I'll do it but I want 20 grand and a part in your next show. He agreed and that night I was Liza for 2 hours and it was great. I was tossed around the floor by dancers who knew I didn't know the steps but they made me look fabulous. The crowd was wild and I had 18 standing ovations, they never knew... It was a dream.

Back to present Liza took to the stage for sound check and asked me to fan her and I did. Liza said, "Pappy I wanna do San Francisco, Mamma's version". They ran through it and it was fabulous. I sat there with Fan in hand and wondered how it could be that I , a little girl from Bangor, Maine could have saved the career of this legend and now having the honor to fan her, i was humbled. "Get me a gatorade", she demanded and I ran to the fridge to fetch it but then it hit me. I could do it again and I needed a little cash so I opened my purse and got two nips of vodka Jake the Jet blue attendant gave to me and put them in her gatorade. I watched her drink it and then she said "Aren't you going to put on a shirt". I was still in my Bra. "Oops I forgot". Well to no avail the booze didn't affect her at all and she went on to give another great performance in my blouse for the first act. After the show she handed me a check for 2 grand and said thanks babe. I said for what. She leaned in and said "For spiking my gatorade, it cleared up my cords or something and your not getting back this fabulous top"(she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek) "See ya back in NY Margie".

I just love my Lizamay!!!



Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Red eye to see Lizamay

Hi Kids,

I can't go any further in my discussion about my weekend with Margaret Cho other than to say it was a blast.

When I woke early Sunday morning I wiped the .... From my eye and hopped in the shower and realized I had a bruise on my thigh the size of an eggplant so I quickly grabbed some cover all and through on my Sunday best. It was a new black satin top with matching panties and a pair of sequin pants with a flare.... The phone rang and Berna picked it up so I continued to make myself pretty. Berna yelled in that "Pappy" that's Bill Lavorgna asked if I wanted to come out and see Liza May in San Diego with him. I said why yes "Pappy". The next thing I knew I was on Jet Blue on the 11:50 arriving at 2:50. Trembling with the notion that they did not offer Sake and that was confirmed by my attendant Jake I broke down and had a rum/coke, yuk and the tuna sandwich Berna threw together. I love Jet Blue because I can watch "The Munsters" I just loved that Yvonne DeCarlo, what a peach..

We landed and "Pappy" greeted me with open arms and he told me that he had to rush over to the show because Liza asked him to play drums at the last minute and that she had an idea to add a song to the playlist. Oh! What fun, I hadn't seen little Liza since the time I met her at Elaines for a cocktail, oops I mean coke. She was telling me all about Arrested Development and how happy she was besides the lawsuits from her ex. I am sure she is going to be thrilled to see me again!!!

Oops, I have to go Berna and I are going to see Dracula the musical. I hope it is better than Dance of the Vampires, where's Ms. Rice when you need her.

Ciao, MargOH!

Monday, August 16, 2004

Wild weekend with Margaret cont'd

Hi Kid's

It's a cold and rainy Monday in August here in NYC. It must be the Republican National Convention looming around the corner bringing all the gloom and doom. I need sun and fun.... I swear I am going to move to California...

Well, after our big night seeing "Let's put on a Show" starring Jan and Mickey Rooney, Margaret and I headed over to XL to get a stiffener and decide what to do with the rest of our evening. When we got there we were rushed by Amanda Lepore and Richie Rich and being rushed by those two is not a pretty sight, poor Margaret almost lost her sashimi roll from earlier in the evening. I of course ordered a tonic water, yeah right, and was bored by my John Blair experience... Margaret was busy signing men's asses, how boring, before I grabbed her and left poor Amanda at a loss for anything to say, how odd???

We moved on to The Roxy where we were greeted with as much love as Margaret got from the HRC. I swear we did not even get a glance for at least 3 minutes. I think it's because Margaret has lost so much weight that she looks like Kristi Yamaguchi now so who would care. Finally we were corned, I mean cornered by a Chelsea boy named B-boy and he sweat all over my new Poncho, I was pissed.... But he offered to buy me a Sake-hop, that's a vodka and Sake martini, mmm it was delicious, 3 days and still no Gin, I'm so proud of myself. Up to the booth to shake my booty with my favorite DJ Peter Rauhauffer or whom I like to call Roxyhauffer, he's so hot!!!! Margaret was a bit angry with me since we are both suppose to be on the wagon but I ordered a bottle of Mums and drank shots of champers out of Peter's belly button. The music was hot and the dance floor was steaming which probably accounted for the rank odor that the place has. We left the booth and headed over to talk to Margaret's pal Joey and It turned out to be that doll Joey Lawrence. I did a guest spot on the TV show Blossom years ago and had not seen him since. We talked for what seemed hours as we rehashed the significance of Blossom Russo aka Myim Bialik and he let me in on the secret that she was a swinger and had a dominatrix business geared towards former fans of the show. It was now well into the morning and on our way out I ran into Berna who was flagging down a cab with Kelly Rowland of destiny's Child. Before I could say anything they were off. Now I have to wonder why I can't get any guests on my show when my assistant is running around with the likes of Kelly. I turned to Margaret and said thank god you are shooting the segment for my show tomorrow or I would have do another re-run. Margaret's face fell a bit and she started to mumble something and I asked her what she was saying. She got a bit louder and informed me that she had to leave on a 6 am flight and could not do the show.

I do not know what came over me but I just bitch slapped her and ran off down the street and I snapped the heel right off my mule and fell to the ground. Margaret picked me up and apologized for the mix up and explained that she would come back and tape it when she was doing her show at the Apollo. I regained my composure and informed her she owed me $500 bucks for my mule and she rummaged through her purse and gave me $1000. The next thing I remember was waking up on the set of my show with the bottle of mums clutched to my breast and Neils phone number at the Waldorf in my other hand with a note saying that I was still the best blow in the business, how sweet.

Well kids till next time



Sunday, August 15, 2004

MargOH!'s weekend with Margaret

Hi Kids,

I am so glad to be back in the city. As you know I went for Sushi with Margaret Cho, we went to Yo Sushi, Its fab. After we chatted about my stay at the spa we ran over to Jimmy's Gramercy flat, Margaret forgot her tube top and couldn't bare the notion that Mr. Fallon would sell this story to "The Star" magazine, can you see it know... Margaret Cho forgets her Tube top in hot sex act with Jimmy Fallon, yeah.... Someone told me he was considered for the comic relief for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" but they decided to go for the bird like look of Carsen Kressley. Thankfully Jimmy was out so she scooched on her tube top and we ran out the door.

Margaret said she needed a pedicure from Cleo II but after looking at my watch I barked that we were almost late for the show. We had front row tickets for "Let's put on a Show" starring Jan and Mickey Rooney. We hopped in a cab and of course were almost knocked out by the smell of BO so I dragged out my Red Door and sprayed all over, yuk. After holding my breath for too long I looked like a blowfish and Margaret had been shat on by two pigeons from sticking her head out the window. We stumbled out of the car and rushed into the VIP holding room and to my thrill right into my old flame Neil Sedaka, he's doing a concert for the upcoming Jewish festival . I had read that he was going to be in town and really did want to see him. He looked a bit uncomfortable but we said a cordial hello and went our separate ways. Margaret was in a hot conversation with Jan's sister Mo and she told us that Jan has injured her foot in the show the night before when she was doing a step ball change with Micks and they may have to cut out some of the dancing. It was curtain time and we took our seats and I sat right next to Robin Byrd. She told me that her and Mickey were great friends and she was given the tickets, mmm I bet she got free tickets, everyone knows Mickey is a diehard Byrd watcher and I am sure that's not all.
The show was OK. Mickey was holding his own but after catching Neil's eye at the end of the row he gave a gentle wave and I was up in an instant and to the holding room. Neil followed me in and we held eachother and then he cupped my breast with both hands and popped my nipple out and licked it so I fell back into the closet as Mickey was singing " How lucky can you get". I fixed myself and straightened my long line and headed back down the aisle just in time to see Jan do her tribute to Patsy Cline. After it was over I thought to myself I wonder if Patsy herself would have liked the tribute and unfortunately my thoughts were no. Jan and Micks gave it a try but I think I had a better time in the closet. I was feeling a little guilty when Margaret asked me what was in my hair.... All I could say was a residue from my protein conditioning rinse. She looked at me like I was a slut and walked towards the exit.

Well kids, I'm gonna have to tell you about the rest of my wild weekend with Margaret but I need to shoot a segment for my show.....

I'll be back



Thursday, August 12, 2004

MargOH! is back from Rehab

Hi Kids,

I just got back from Hawaii after a short stay at a spa, well let's say a tune up for a slight drinking problem. My Dr. says that his theory on weaning people off Gin by using Sake has worked time and time again and it's true I haven't had a stitch of Gin since I started the program. I just love all the different types of Sake and I have hardly sampled but just a few so it will take me a while to even think about drinking Gin again.

I did miss being away from my fans and the action of NYC. I missed doing my show "The MargOH! Channing Show" that is shown on Manhattan cable on channel 56 every other Saturday night but I am sure you all knew that.

The first thing I did when I got back was run over to Shirley's and have our favorite lunch egg salad on lettuce leaves, gotta watch those carbs people. Shirley told me that my wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge had been having parties the whole time I was away and one night was dancing in the hallway with Shelly Winters and her breast was exposed. Now this would be no big deal but Berna's breast is bigger than Shelly all together, ugh I could just imagine the sight. Shirl also told me that she was practicing "Goldfinger" for her upcoming tour and Berna was pounding the wall for her to shut- up or she was going to give her her goldfinger. I apologized to Shirley and went straight to talk to Berna.

I gave Berna the business and cut her allowance down to $15 a week from her normal $25. I swear that woman drives me into the poor house. Thank god I am still covered under Rodney's insurance or the stay in Rehab would have wiped me out. Dr Beefachaki is not cheap let me tell ya. That reminds me I should be getting that check from "The Sizzler". You see I get Royalties every time they make a Rodney Allen Rippy, a drink made of coke, grenadine a splash of bitters and a cherry. I invented it when I was married to Rodney Allen and decided to patent that sucker so now everytime they make one MargOH! gets a a few cents, dumb asses should never have added the bitters to the Roy Rodgers drink and thank god Berna loves steaks or I never would have known to sue the bastards for patent fraud, lol. I guess Bern's good for something. Oh, gosh I must go because I am meeting Margaret Cho for Sushi and Sake. Thanks Dr. Beefachaki.....

I'll be back

Ciao, MargOH!