Sunday, April 29, 2007

Berna's back .....

Hey Kids,

Well it's been about 3 weeks and already Berna's gotten out of hand. I can't wait til the new shows start because she'll have less time on her hands. She'll have to be figuring out how to fit me into my costumes. I've gained a bit of weight over the winter, like 2 stone....I had one costume made in the fall, yikes I look like a sausage with 10 links in one....if you can imagine that?

Anyway, Thursday I went with Polly Holliday to see Zodiac. It was still playing and I needed a look at my baby Jake..yummy. We met at the Gramercy diner for a nosh and headed for the theatre.

Polly and I had a few drinks while eating and were a bit tipsy and feeling bold. It was free popcorn night for students so I pulled out my NYU school ID hoping to get us both free popcorn.

The girl laughed at me and said you're too old to be a student and that's not you.

I objected to her accusations and said that was too me, I had a bad dye job that week and that I was a continuing education student...

She then replied "You look like you've been continuing for 40 years to long".

Polly yelled out "Kiss her grits you punk and give us the god damn popcorn". She also grabbed her by the shirt and spat her gum at her.... I leaned over the counter and stuffed 2 bags full o corn while Polly grabbed 2 large soda cups.

The poor girl didn't know what hit her. She then said "Ain't you the lady from that show they been playing on ION network, you know "Alice" you Flo ain't you". Polly replied, "well yes". The the girl replied " well i would've given it to you for free if you a celebrity, cause you ain't no students" .

We quickly ran off hoping not to be kicked out. Polly and I laughed and laughed until the movie started..It was so long? It was good but my ass was killing me. The popcorn was great though.

I headed home, I was gone for like 5 hours and had a suspicion Berna may have had time to do something bad but then I figured what could happen on a Thursday night.

I opened the door and all I could hear was "Expose" blasting on the stereo and a bout 10 Mexican boys dancing with no shirts on while Berna ate Pizza on the couch. This really wouldn't have bothered me but she was nude and my couch is off white...Berna gets sweaty if you get my drift...

The phone kept ringing so I answered, it was all the Pizza places asking if I knew where their delivery guys were. The phone was ringing off the hook and there were like 10 large pizza's all over the floor.

Berna had broken into the liquor cabinet and all the boys were drinking my booze and messing up the joint. I of course started telling everyone to get the hell out but Berna starts yelling and telling me I'm a buzz kill and she never has any fun.

I told her that she's had nothing but fun since her gastric bypass and she's been sleeping around a bit much and she needed to calm down. It took me an hour to get them all out. The place was a mess and of course Berna ate too much pizza and started puking it all up.....

Aaaaaaaaaah , I screamed....I just can't win but what am I to do.....

Berna's back and don't I know it!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Elvis and Celine

Hey Kids,

I see the legend, the songbird, the old man loving Celine has created another "My heart will go on" moment together for American Idol.

A duet with clever. I'm sure Natalie Cole was brought on as a consultant for this project...she's the ground breaker who started singing with the dead....

I wonder what Elvis would have thought about singing with the screeching Celine. I bet Lisa Marie thought it would be good, how sweet of her to share her father's image.... I find it funny that American Idol got a conscience after all these years and are wanting our cash....

Oh, then we have Madonna talking like she is a native of jolly old England when she's a broad from Detroit....You know I love my Madonna and her music but all of this self promotion for a good cause is getting really tired.....

Come to think of it I'm tired...time for a drink and a nap. Berna get me a champers and a sedative. I'm trying to see if I can sing with Elvis in my dreams.

Kisses, MargOH!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Rehearsals, Rehearsals....

Hey Kids,

I had my first rehearsal for the upcoming shows in June. It's very exciting and the piano we bought sounds just great.

Our little piano guy Jarad is just wonderful. He brings out the best in MargOH!...he understands my vocal stylings and usually makes good decisions for me....

We had fun and I love the process of working the shit out!

I'm doing some original songs and Jarad is putting it all together well...along with a Medley of Madonna hits that is going to be hot.

I'll keep ya updated kids....

Now off to my costume fitting....

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, April 23, 2007

MargOH! into the Woods

Hey Kids,

Recently some of my pals in the UK went on a hiking retreat. I thought what a wonderful idea. To get back to nature and smell the dirt, tree's and air like when we were children. I of course loved to make mud pies, it was fun.

I had been thinking about it all day and when i went to sleep I had a dream about my mother Sully. I had a dream about something I think may have really happened.

You see then we were kids we didn't have a lot of money. My father salty died when I was eight. He was killed by a school of starfish, sucked alive. How Ironic that I would become the star that I am today.

Anyway, Sully made a meager mongers pay and we were forced to have fun cheaply. Sully would make our Barrett's out of trout bones and she even made us Mary Jane's out of salmon skins. My sister Rita and I weren't very popular at school...the salmon Mary Jane's did smell a bit.

Well, one day we came home from school and Sully told my sister Rita and I to get our camping gear ready. We were going to the Appalachian trail. We had one tent that had a hole in it so I grabbed it and we hitched a ride with a fisherman named Briney.

She rode upfront and we were in the cab. I could hear sully laughing and carrying on but then I saw her head go down and up and down and up and down. i couldn't see what she was doing but then I saw Briney hand her a 5 dollar bill.

He dropped us off at a trail and we made our way into the woods. it was getting cold even though it was July and I was getting tired. Then Sully sat my sister and I down and she told us that she heard the the hikers on the trail were doctors and lawyers and educated men. She said they carried lots of cash and we was gonna get it from them. She then took out a bottle of catchup and smeared it all over my leg and then scratched me with a big branch, ouch I yelled. Now rub that in and act like you hurt your leg.

We waited in that spot for what seemed hours but then finally a hiker approached. Now start crying Sully said and she hit me with the stick again.

Of course the hiker asked us what the problem was and Sully told him we were camping and a bear ripped our tent and attacked me. he was very concerned and looked at the cut and said it was fine. He decided to set up camp so we could stay with him. He had a big tent and playing cards, even go fish... his name was Jack he said. He was a nice man, very handsome. Sully was as charming as could be. She offered to cook the franks and beans he had. She washed his clothes down by the stream and they even sang shanty songs. It was a fun night but then I forgot why we were there.

We fell asleep but were awaken by Sully saying. C'mon lets go. She grabbed us and we ran down the trail. The sun started to peak through the tree's and i could hear a faint voice yelling. God damn woman, she stole all my money, over and over again. We got back to the road and Sully looked crazy. She laughed and danced down the road and pulled out a wad of cash. She said... "We gonna eat good this week and I'm gonna get me a new dress from the sears catalog". I asked her if I could get a new pair of Mary Jane's and she snapped at me and said "You're acting ability stinks, if you do better next time I'll get ya the damn shoes".

Then Briney sped up next to us and we hopped in the truck. She handed him some of the money. This became a weekend affair for quite a while and I never got my damn shoes even though my acting skills improved...

Years later after we had stopped our weekend jaunts,Sully got the clap and went blind in one eye so she had horrible night vision, I read an article about the mysterious women of the Appalachian trail called "The Sea witches". It told the tails of all the men Sully rolled for cash, many of the men thought we were sirens from the sea that gave love then stole hearts and money.... I swear that Sully was a tramp... and a really bad mother...

Then I thought about it. This was the only bonding time I ever had with Sully. Precious moments I guess...

Thanks to my UK pals for the lovely pic and mmaking me remember a family moment...

Kisses, MargOH!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Spring Fever

Hey Kids,

Oh!'s warm outside.....I'm free at last. I got Spring fever and a thirst for a Mojito.....

I'm off for a drinkie winkie...and maybe even a man.... or many, many, many, many men...It's NYC afterall!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

There's nothing like a Dame

Hey kids,

I was sad to hear of the passing of Kitty Carlisle Hart at the age of 96. She looked 76 and was still performing up til December.

What a dame she high heels and tailored suits every day of the week. It's not easy to do that kids....She was a lifelong patron of the arts and did many great things behind the scenes... I linked the article about her so you can read it...

I had the pleasure of meeting her a couple of times and enjoyed a Manhattan she ordered for me. We had a lovely conversation about wine and cheese...She said she loved a good wine and I said me too as long as it's cheap. We had a chuckle...

She was a real trooper and glamorous at 96. Just amazing!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Mystery of Stoli Jones (Part 2)

Hey Kids,

After a few more booze filled meetings with Nicky Knockers, Berna and even Stoli we've cracked this case wide open!

It is our conclusion that we are all victims of an evil one legged man named Stumpy Jones. Personally I think his disability drove him to do horrible things. I wish he could have understood that the things he could do with that prosthetic leg were enough to seduce any woman into submission but that just wasn't enough for him.

SO…taking up where we left off…after he plunged me with Ruth's egg and skewered me with his manhood I became pregnant. Yes, this is true, his plan became a reality. Berna did witness the vile act and tried to stop him but he slapped her around and threatened her! He told her he would tell everyone that she was really a man...another tale that has unraveled from this sordid story (I never knew!!! I mean I’m not surprised…she’s so…well anyway…someday we’ll dig deeper into this but I just don’t have the energy to contemplate this little revelation).

Berna realized she couldn't tell me what happened or risk being exposed herself so she tried everything to get me to lose the baby. She even got me drunk on Lithuanian cabbage wine and Hoovered my lady parts out but that damn egg wouldn't budge. She then tried to feed me more booze and drugs, enough to kill a truck driver, but of course not only can I hold more liquor than a truck driver I can hold more liquor than the oil truck he’s driving. (Well, I DID start drinking when I was 4. My father made moonshine out of fishbones and potatoes and gave it to me in my bottle. It was an acquired taste but I was told I was a very happy baby).

Anyway, Berna kept the truth from me and did her best to hide my pregnancy…especially from me. Do you know that when I was going into labor she told me I was having an appendicitis attack?? I thought I had no appendix but figured I would rather be safe than sorry.

After the birth Stumpy took the baby and fled never to be seen again. Stumpy told Stoli I was her mother but that I had abandoned her for my career...I would never do that. Although I must say I am a bit relieved she isn’t mine because motherhood is a burden to me.

Of course after hearing all of this I welcomed Berna back with open and forgiving arms. It really is good to have her back. She can be a handful but she's the cheapest wardrobe mistress there is. Cuchie was just bleeding me dry....not to mention stealing anything she could get her sticky fingers on.

Poor sad Stoli is a mess over all of this and doesn't know what to do with herself. Ruth won't return anyone's calls. I told Stoli that although I was only the port of call for her birth that I would help her in any way I could…as long as it doesn’t inconvenience me or cost me any time or money or real effort.

Oh! The other twist to the story is that Stoli told us that Stumpy had amassed a fortune from spokesmodeling for prosthetic leg companies in Third World Countries (he was a bastard in every way!!). She said that he never believed in banks and that the money was buried in their yard in Minnesota. She has yet to find it. We asked Nicky Knockers to stay on and manage the excavation project in Minnesota. Stoli just used a shovel and hoe but Berna, Nicky and I agreed that bulldozer's and well diggers were the way to go. Stoli thinks there are 500,000 smackers in that yard and we agreed to split it evenly for our pain and suffering.

I am glad I can put this drama to rest and move on. It was hard for me believe that I was a mother…thank goodness I'm not! Also it's nice to have Berna back though I already caught her trying on my costumes for the June show...and put a hole in my dance's coming out of her Stumpy money...

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, April 16, 2007

Fat Girl

Fat Girl

I’m a fat girl and that’s a fact
Yes, I’m Eating your cheese fondue, you’ve caught me in the act
Britney, Lindsey, Paris and Ashley O all so thin
If you cut me in half I could be their twin

Oh, yes I’m a fat girl and that’s a fact
You can call me big boned if that’s your tact
There is nothing this body can’t begin to do
Oh, yes I’m a fat girl through and through

Ring dings and tit sling’s cutting in my back
I am a fat girl and that’s a fact, get me that cheese fondue
Oh, sometimes I wish I were thin
I’m sure Paris, Lindsey and Ashley O think it’s the case
Oh, how her life would begin without that sagging chin
Too bad, she’s got such a pretty face

Ring dings and tit sling’s cutting in my back
I am a fat girl and that’s a fact, get me that cheese fondue

Sometimes I wonder why people say what they say
It’s so true that I do have a pretty face
It’s a dog eat dog world but us fat girls gotta make our way
This is who I am and how I’d like to stay

I’ve got to be who I am today
My name is MargoH! Channing and I weigh 10 Dakota fanning’s
Oh, yes I’m a fat girl and that’s a fact
Guess what? I’m happy as hell and get the men in the sack

There is nothing else left to say
It’s my life so give me that Strawberry parfait
It’s so true that I do have a pretty face
It’s a dog eat dog world but us fat girls gotta make our way

Ring dings and tit sling’s cutting in my back
I am a fat girl and that’s a fact, get me that cheese fondue

God Damn you , get me that Cheese Fondue……

Kisses, MargOH!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Not my day

Hey Kids,

The weather in New York is tragic. How is a girl supposed to go out and have fun with all this rain. My hair gets so frizzy I couldn't bare to leave the house,

Talking about Bare...I didn't get a call back for the audition I had. I'm pretty sure this lesbian Dominique the dominatrix got the part. She was a sturdy gal all done up in a leather teddy...very snappy...I went with the sissy cowgirl look but I don't think they cared for it.

Though my reading from Blue velvet was just great...I really like when I can dig deep and turn the shit mascara even ran, talk about realism.... I had berna slap me in the face six times before I went in. One of the producer's thought I was a bit old for the part I think. He made some comment about weather or not my ass would sag in a sling. Theatre people can be so cruel...My ass is taught and gorgeous I said but he ignored me....

Well on to the next thing. Shecky got me a part in a new movie with Gael Garcia Bernal(I knew he'd remember me from our little dance)...I'm not sure of the title yet but I know it's gonna be 3 weeks in Mexico...very hot. It's a bit part but I'm up for it. The "Dallas" movie is still delayed but hopefully should start up so most likely going from Mexico to Texas. I hope I don't get stopped by the border patrol, those bastards.....

I'll let you know kids...

Kisses, MargOH!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Blame it on the Rain

Hey Kids,

I have an audition today for a new play called "Blame it on the Rain"...Shecky says it has nothing to do with Rain though...and does require a bit of Nudity. I'm a modern girl so I say why not...

I did some digging and found out the director is into Bondage and water sports...Oh no! Not that I mind those things...I've thrown on some leather before and I'm pretty snappy with the whip.

The one thing that bothers me is the water sports, though the role I'm auditioning for is "Madame Dildo" which means I'm the dominate one... I'm not sure if I could Pee on cue.....

I'm going to do a monologue from "Blue Velvet" and turn the shit out...or should I say Pee out....LOL

The things I do for my career. I wonder what Meryl Streep would do?

I'll let you know what happens kids...

Kisses, M

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Crusty Old White Bastard "Don Imus"

Hey Kids,

I've never really thought about Don Imus. Is he relevant?

Just another Crazy old White bastard. A pig from what I've seen as well.

Al Sharpton of course is all over the TV. I love his hair. It looks like he had a wash and set with a bit of Aqua net. Very old school.

Take Don Imus off the air I say. He can be a nice guy in his backyard....

Kisses, MargOH!

PS I shaved my head for Britany. I think I'll wear a huge afro in my upcoming show to support those Rutgers gals....

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Mystery of Stoli Jones

Hey Kids,

It's been an absolute madhouse here at the Salon de Channing...MMM that sounds like a good name for a party....

Anyway, Nicky Knockers has solved the case of Stumpy Jones and his daughter Stoli. Please note I said his daughter.

The story is an absolute tragedy! Chris Hanson would love to profile this on Dateline. Then again maybe it is better suited for Ripley's believe it or not

It all started when I landed the role in "The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again". I met another actor named Stumpy Jones (so called because he had one leg). Stumpy was absolutely fascinated by me and we had a good time drinking on and off the set. He knew I was married at the time but insisted on trying to lay me. I was a bit of a slut so I did. So did Berna and so did Ruth Buzzi! I think we may have done a 4 way but my memory is a bit Fuzzy.

The shoot ended and after that Rodney my ex and I split up and I went to Bangkok.

A few months later Stumpy showed up looking for work so I let him clean up after the girls after their tricks and such.

I was done with men at this time and was always telling Stumpy to back off. I'm fairly certain that he was still banging Berna. After about a month Stumpy told me that Ruth wanted to come perform at the cabaret. Of course, I was thrilled and said yes.

Nicky told me that Stumpy and Ruth had a torrid affair after the shoot of the movie and actually were engaged for a bit. She said she found notes of Stumpy's in Minnesota saying that Ruth wanted a baby but had a "woman's issue" that kept her from carrying full term. Nicky tried to contact Ruth but she would not talk to her.

Anyway, Ruth arrived and she did a month long run. She sold out almost every night. It was a long time ago but the one thing I remember was that Ruth was constantly feeding me drinks and telling me I should drink more port. At least that's what I thought she was saying.

In fact Nicky corrected me and told me that she also found in Stumpy's letters that he wanted to use me as a vessel for he and Ruth's baby. So what she was really saying to me was "drink up, you need to be my port"

In my previous posts about this situation I thought I had been raped or forced to have sex with Stumpy and somehow Berna was involved. Nicky discovered that Stumpy had a doctor extract one of Ruth's eggs and freeze it. He brought it with him....

I think you can figure out what happened next but I'll tell you anyway. While drunk on port Stumpy snuck into my boudoir, plunged me with a turkey baster and implanted me with on of Ruth Buzzi's egg. Then he banged me!

Stumpy says in his letters that Ruth got cold feet and demanded he not do this. She had changed her mind but Stumpy went along and did it anyway. Nicky assumes Berna walked in on Stumpy filling me with his nasty seed. Stumpy goes on to say that he never told Ruth he went ahead with the plan because she dumped him right after her run at the cabaret.

Kids, it's true MargOH! was pregnant and did give birth to Stoli Jones but she is the mad creation of Stumpy Jones. Now that I think about it she does bare a resemblance to Ruth in this picture....

I must talk to Berna to see what she knows.

I'll fill you in as the pieces fall into place....

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, April 02, 2007

April Fools

Hey Kids,

It's been a hectic weekend...Nicky Knockers went through all of the evidence she gathered. It was a lot to sift through but we've cracked the case of Stoli and Stumpy Jones...

I am in the process of writing one of my longest posts so I must apologize for my lack of speak.....

I also am still in a bit od shock over Nicky's invoice. I better get to work cause hiring a private eye ain't cheap....I don't think champagne with every meal including breakfast is fair....

I think I'm an April fool.

Kisses, MargOH!