Thursday, November 30, 2006

Thanksgiving part 2

Hey Kids,

I know you've been waiting......Well I've been drinkin....LOL

I'm not sure where I left off but anyway Cuchie made a huge dinner, then Berna and her new fiance Carlo showed up with Berna Begging for her job back and of course my love. Then to my surprise my sister Rita and Sully made a pilgrimage to my fun. Rita also brought her porn pal Jenna Jamelson, not Jenna Jameson...Jenna Jamelson is the Granny Tranny of the over 60 porn set. Sully was drunk as a skunk on a bottle of boonesfarm wine , she called one of her "Pussycat Dolls" to join us as well seeing they were in town for the "Jingle Ball". This party was becoming a Kennel club especially after Glen-da the super stopped by with her new mate Henryetta.

Henryetta is a bit of a hairy gal with a musty odor so i sat her at the kids table with Stoli (who is still insisting on wearing a baby tee and training bra with daisy dukes and a diaper)...she can't really be mine.

Mickey and Jan Rooney came a bit late because they had a dinner for the OTB set, Mickey joined Jeff for a few duets with Jarad tinkling those keys...It was all turning into a grand time until Berna and Cuchie started battling each other about who would carve the turkey. Cuchie has got a bit of a temper and accidentally carved Berna's finger by mistake, I think... Berna then stuck Cuchie's face into the boiling gravy.

Sully of course jumped into the action trying to apply fish bone salve to their wounds...but accidentally poured her nip of vodka into Berna's cut prompting her to slap her across the room. Rita then lunged over the table and pulled Berna's earring out of her ear. It was all turning into a debacle when to my surprise Bette Midler(I worked with her in "The Rose" as "concert whore # 6") came in to say hi.

Bette was in town for the Rockefeller tree lighting ceremony that happened last night. She strolled in and jumped into a version of "Rockin around the Christmas tree" that blew us all away. . Jarad held his own with Bette, it was wonderful. Bette couldn't believe her eyes as to the goings on so she took a snort of "Stoli"... the vodka, not my DNA daughter. Then her and I did a duet of "Boogie woogie Bugle Boy" that sent Glen-da and Henryetta into a full out Lindy..... It was amazing.

Bette is a magnet for people and she demands attention so of course she soothed the savage beasts (Cuchie and Berna). She is really a wind beneath our wings...

I thought everyone was under Bette's spell until I heard Jarad yelling for help from the bathroom. I had to almost knock the door town and when i got in Sully and Jenna were completely nude and had him cornered in the spa tub. It was a Thanksgiving memory I'd like to erase but luckily Jarad passed out from the terror of it all. Jenna and sully started making out so I pulled Jarad out and let them be....

Poor Bette had to pee so I let her use my potted plant, she's a Brooklyn girl through and through. Then she said her goodbye's and whisked out like she was on a cloud....

Happy Thanksgiving kids....


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Bad MargOH!

Hey kids,

Guess what? Mama's got Jury duty again.
They didn't fall for the Fidel story again, though it is very true.....

I'm being sequestered at a luxurious downtown hotel. There is a hot Juror # 6 whom has taken a liking to little old MargOH! Yum, Yum....

I'm so busy with Juror # 6 that I haven't had time to finish my Thanksgiving day post. I'll just tell you that the party got wild with Sully returning, a pussycat doll...basically a gangs all here balls to the wall party....

I'll be back! Now order me a bottle of Mumms and a shrimp cocktail Juror # 6.

Kisses, MargOH!

Friday, November 24, 2006

Thanksgiving Day drama

Hey Kids,

I had not planned on doing anything for Thanksgiving just because of all the recent craziness going on but Cuchie insisted.

I called up a few of the gang, Polly Holiday, Diane Keaton, Mickey and Jan, Shirley Bassey, Glen-da the super and Princess McCool. I told them Cuchie was just making some food and to stop by for some champers. My fiance Jeff was going to be singing and my darling piano man Jarad was going to tinkle the keys.

The doorbell rang at about 1pm and to my surprise Berna was standing there with a look of sorrow on her face. I let her in and took her things and she hugged me, well almost crushed me and I pushed her away. Stoli got in between us just in case a brawl started.

I couldn't believe it...the old bitch apologized and begged for her job back. Well, it being thanksgiving I told her I'd think about it but for now she could just eat and get off to Kathie Lee's.

The Berna went over to Jarad and whispered in his ear and she busted into song...singing "I'm telling you I'm not going" from Dreamgirls. She was well just amazing...Cuchie, Stoli, and Glen-da jumped to our feet. It was an inspired performance. Berna then went on to straighten up the whole house. I hadn't seen her do that much work since 1978.

I started to wonder what the motive was....then it entered. She went back outside and brought in a guy she met in Italy named Carlo. Berna told everyone that they were engaged and needed a place to stay. I figured something was up!

Oh, Crap I gotta run...I'm headed to Joan Rivers for a drinky. I saw her last week at "race to deliver".

I'll continue the story gets a bit wild.

Kisses, MargOH!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Berna's wearing a Pink Slip

Hey Kids,

It's been a long time coming but after two days of complete and utter confusion and despair I have decided to let my wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge go.

It has been 38 years since I saved Berna from her bland and boring life in Rhode Island.

I was on a promotional tour for "Common Law Cabin" and letting people take pictures of my knockers when Berna approached and cupped my perky bosom's.

She looked very sad so I grabbed her by the head and stuck her face right in between my mighty mountains (I have since had a major reduction). Berna was beside herself and got all red and was a glow for her Photo Op. Ya know after going down memory lane I think Berna may have Lesbian tendencies.

Anyway, we left the event and headed to Federal Hill for a bit of pasta when Russ Meyer leaned over the table and told me that my admirer was standing outside watching us. He was right, there was Berna holding her photo of us and looking even sadder so I waved her in. We had to get her a bench because she couldn't fit into the chairs, the poor thing, she was pitiful.

We drank wine and talked about how Berna had just lost her job as a maid at the hospital after she was caught giving a blow job to a patient... Oh, dear... and then she went on to say she lost her apartment. It was actually Russ who told Berna to come with us and that he would make her a Production assistant on his next film.

Berna was at my side for the rest of that tour. She really served as my body guard at first. I swear she could throw a 200 pound guy straight across the room if they got out of hand. Berna was not all fun and games at first, you see, she had a strong sexual appetite and was a big slut. I don't know how many times on that tour I had to go find her at a truck stop bathroom. it didn't matter I kind of liked her spunk.

My time being a Russ Meyer gal was short lived and I made the one and only film due to my unfortunate accident. I don't talk much about this but in 1968 my breasts killed a man by accident during a night of unbridled passion. His name was Johnny and he was a tit man of the highest order and he was enjoying my melons , licking, sucking and bouncing, when I realized he stopped it was too late. I suffocated him!!!! It was horrible!!!!! The police told me they wouldn't press charges if I had a breast reduction so I did.

Berna was by my side the whole time when everyone else left me. That's when she started as my personal assistant. Russ felt bad about not being able to use me again so he lined me up a lot of extra work and that's how it all started.

Berna's done a lot of crap as of late and not too mention the whole concealing my pregnancy thing...

She tried to seduce poor little Rodney once when he was drunk on Ripple.

She stole my trans am in the 80's on a road trip in Bangkok and ran over 2 rickshaw drivers while partying with the Olsen Twins.

Berna threw a surprise party for me on my 40th birthday and forgot to invite people so I thought no one showed up.

She ran off with passport in Cuba because she was pissed I slept with Castro. I was stuck in Cuba for 2 months.

She was the one who yelled out "We don't sell food here, just Pussy" to Madonna when she came into my 25 seat cabaret, bordello, escort service asking for Pad Thai. Then it burned to the ground about 25 minutes after she stormed out.

Recently she got us evicted after having a wild party for my sister Rita where she banged Gary Busey....

And as you know she stole my invitation to the TomKat wedding and went herself and is now cleaning Sophia Loren's toilets.

It's all too much so I have informed Sophia to let Berna know I have hired Diane Keaton's shoe mistress Cuchie to takeover as my Wardrobe Mistress.

She is currently packing all of Berna's things. I am having her send everything to Kathy Lee Gifford's. I am not completely heartless so I arranged for her to torture Kathy lee's family for a while. Just in time for Kathy's performance in "Annie" at Madison square garden. She's thrilled, she loves Berna for some reason so she can have her.

Its an end of an era for MargOH! but Berna has pushed my last button!!!!!

Cuchie is eager to please and I am looking forward to my life without Berna....

I'll keep you updated on Cuchie's integration into the household. The second thing she is responsible for after packing up Berna is finding Stoli an apartment asap....she's also driving me nuts....

Kisses, MargOH!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Berna Goes TomKat

Hey Kids,

This is insane!!!

I did get an invite to TomKats wedding in Italy but I couldn't be bothered after what he did to
my darling Brooke Shields. Then I found out that she was going so I said what the hell, I'll go. I was a scientologist for about 20 minutes back in the day.

I yelled out, "Berna book me a flight to Italy", but no Berna to be found. I then went into my nightstand to get the invitation but I couldn't find it? As soon as I was closing the drawer the phone rang so I went to answer it. It was Sophia Loren's maid Rosetta speaking in very garbled english. All I could hear was blah, blah, blah and then Berna, blah, blah, blah, then Berna. Then Sophia got on the phone. "Hello , MargOH! darling, its been too long, how are you?.

I answered,"I'm fine Sophia, but I'm supposed to be going to TomKats wedding, are you going, I can't find my invitation?"

Sophia then started getting loud... "Please MargOH!...that silly wedding, I can't be bothered. Your worker Berna is at the front door asking for lodging". "She said you told her it was okay to stay at my villa".

I then flipped out and told Sophia to tell her to get her ass back to NY at once. Sophia then told me that Berna was going to TomKats wedding. Berna would not come to the phone but I could hear Sophia telling Berna she could stay as long as she cleaned the 13 bathrooms top to bottom because her bathroom assistant ran off the other day. Berna agreed..

I told Sophia that this was ridiculous and I needed Berna back right away. Sophia told me it was my fault that I couldn't handle my staff and Berna would probably be there a month cleaning bathrooms.

I'm gonna ring her neck. Berna can't be trusted at events like weddings....god she's probably told everyone she's me. People will think I've lost it, gained weight, a hideous beast.....

Then I ran to the closet and noticed her only gown was missing....It's made of Rubber...Oh! lord she's proabably turned the wedding into a sex party...we'll I guess that wouldn't be bad. I hope she didn't talk to Jim Carey...

I'll let you know what I hear!!

Crap, MargOH!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Pretty Little Head

Hey Kids,

You know I'm up on the times kids, especially with good music, new and old...

I know between bad and good...
Like I know that Nemesis really stinks!

One thing I know for sure is that my darling Nellie Mckay's new CD "Pretty Little Head" is good.

I gave the CD a few listens before I made any decisions about a review.
Then I drank 4 dirty martini's and listened again...It was still good....even better.....

"Pretty Little head" is another ear pleaser from Nellie. She blends many different styles of music, sometimes within the same song, that somehow always seems to work.
I love the blends she hits in "Pink Chandelier". My favorite song is "Cupcake" which is Nellie's gay marraige song and it is light and fresh.
The thing I love about the song is that it has a pop sensibility and a head swaying beat that should get airplay but with the taboo subject may not, sad... Jesus would it

I also love "Mama and Me" which is written most likely about her relationship with her mother Robin(who is a hoot by the way)...It also reminds me a bit about my love/hate relationship with Sully, that old witch.
I wonder if asking for a suicide pill is something Nellie did as a kid just to get under Robins skin....The point though is that the song makes you think about it and that is what is special about Nellie.

Then there is "Bee Charmer" a duet with Cyndi Lauper, its great and their voices almost seem as one in this song, I love it.

Overall "Pretty Little Head" is a grand album with Nellie coming through with all of her fighting spirit in tune. Every song is special and I am happy that Nellie stood her ground for the full CD release.

When I listen to Nellie's songs I feel like we'll overcome whatever it is that's against us.
She is an original.

Kids, do yourself a favor and download or go buy Nellie's "Pretty Little Head".

It gets 4 out 5 Martini glasses.
Oh Crap, I just broke a glass so now it gets 4 out of 4 martini glasses..... which means it's near perfect!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Sully shipped back

Hey Kids,

Thankfully I sent my mother Sully back to Alaska.

She was a nightmare, taking over the house, and she even dressed up like me to go to the Hulaween event and harrassed Bette Midler, calling her a bathhouse skank. Then she ran off and did back-up for "The Pussycat Dolls" after wooing them with her shanty songs. I swear she's like a child sometimes.

I had enough and sent her packing, first to my sister Rita's in San Diego , let her deal with her, and then back to the retirement home. Of course she gave me a fight and called me an ungrateful daughter. Then added that she was just about to film a granny porn that she applied for on craigslist. Disgusting!!!

Sometimes I wish I was a motherless Child......

Kisses, MargOH!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Stoli goes BABY!

Hey kids,

I am just about at the end of my rope....

There is not much going on at the moment, my agent Shecky is on an extended vacation and will not answer any of my calls.

I lost my voiceover job for "Smuckers" due to the fact that they wanted fat ass Willard Scott to do the next few commercials. Yes, that is right kids MargOH! has been the voice of "Smuckers" since 2002. The guy who originally did the voice lent it out to a porn indie on the internet called "Smuckersluts" so they fired him. I stepped in perfectly! The producers couldn't believe how much I sounded like a jam hungry old man. This also means I am losing my years supply of "Smuckers" which I've had berna selling door to door for extra cash, damn it!!!

The "Dallas" film is still not shooting yet..pre-production woes...bastards. Now all I have is the "Jitterbug" campaign in January...What's a girl to do? Have a drink I guess

Thats just the beginning....Stoli is just a pain in the ass. I can't believe that any child of mine would act the way she does. Very spoiled!!!

The other day she came home with baby bottles, diapers and baby food informing me that she needed to re- live her motherless childhood. The next thing I know she took a dump and asked me to change her . She's gone nuts... so I quickly spiked some apple juice with vodka and a sleeping pill and shoved that bottle in her mouth. She was out like a light.

I then threw her in the shower and had Berna clean her up...

Motherhood is a tragic burden!

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, November 13, 2006

looking Gorgeous

Friday, November 10, 2006

Kirsty Alley goes Apeshit!!!!!

Hey Kids,

There is a scandel a brewin. It is crazy!!!

I got a call from Kirsty Alley's people telling me that Kirsty was about to go
apeshit over not winning the "Spoksey".

She is screaming foul play. They added that they have insider information that she was the top vote getter for the prize. She is accusing me of rigging the competition.

"How dare she, I would never", I screamed. I had no idea what they were talking about? I'm innocent. I can't help it if the Japanese love me!!!(I won for my Fat-so- matic promo only seen in Japan). In fact Kirsty was rated obnoxious by 6 out 10 people.

I agree, Kirsty Alley is the enemy, fat or thin she still looks like a bird of Prey.

"She actually finished 8th for her Jenny Craig spots", I added

Then her guy said "How did you know that?, is it not true that you are the originator and founder of the "Spoksey"?. Isn't your sister Rita the VP of this organization'.

"No its not true", I added.."Yes, Rita is the VP of voting but it was my friend and mentor Hickory Thicket(the Maria Callas of Spokesmodeling) who is the founder, of "Spokesperson International" not me".

The he started yelling saying that "I am an old drunk trying to keep Kirsty from what she rightly deserves"

"Yeah, so what", I replied with a spatter of laughter

"The so what is that Kirsty is pissed and was telling all the scientologists about her misfortune at the hands of an extra", he added

At that moment I could have jumped through the phone and rung his neck, that bitch!!!

"She's won before for that god damn "Pier one commercial", whats the issue". I deserve it for all of the hard work, the many years I suffered waiting around for the stars to get their lines right, please!!! Drew Barrymore took 65 takes in the last film I did. I had to make 65 mocha latte's at starbucks(Starbucks lady # 13)...All she had to say was "I love you"......argh!!!!!

"Anyway Ms. Channing, Kirsty will be getting to the bottom of this, I will be in touch" and he slammed the phone down

What an ass....This better not effect my job with "The Jitterbug". I better call Hickory

I'll keep you posted

Kisses, MargOH!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Sully's in the slammer

Hey Kids,

Its been a rough day...

I got a call at 7am from the Newark police station saying that Sully had been arrested for indecent exposure. I guess she had been at a party with a "Pussycat Doll" and ended up drinking a bottle of Jack. She then tried to get some rapper named go-modee to give her a good banging but they were so disgusted they told her to get out and called her a cab...

I guess she got as far as Newark when she tried it with the cabbie BoBo and he dropped her off on the highway. She had very little cash. Whenever Sully's got no cash she always tries to hitchhike flashing her breasts. She does still have a nice set of ta ta's I must say for a woman of her age.

Well I guess she flashed one two many times and got a copper to pull over and they took her in.

They asked me what to do with her. I of course asked if they could keep her but they said no. Berna and I had to go get her ass, I used Shirley's limo...thank god!!

To make matters worse, after we picked her up and got home Stoli was back. Done with her role on "Days of our Lives" already and holding the DNA results in her hands.

She ran to me screaming "Mamma".

"Oh Christ", I said...

"Make your Mamma a drink would ya Stoli", I added.

The I turned to Berna and slapped her in the face.

"I had the right to choose and you took that away from me", I screamed

Took a sip of my Stoli and tonic and said

"Oh, Crap we gotta go vote"....

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Video Blogging?

Hey Kids,

Would anyone be interested in a MargOH! video Blog? I've been thinking about it? What are your thoughts? Any idea's of what you would like to see...besides my gorgeous self. I can perform, or do little numbers I suppose and of course mix cocktails....

Let me know your thoughts? I know you are out there Kiddies!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Jitterbug Tour

Hey Kids,

Since I won my Spoksey the product endorsements keep rolling in.

I never heard of any of them though... Well I guess I saw the add for the "Tweezie". Oh, yes and I actually have "The Owl" for those nights I go to darkly lit bars, well that's everynight.

Anywho the one that is the most interesting is "The Jitterbug" cell phone. It is geared toward senior citizens. It has big numbers and even a speed dial to 911, how fun.

I am not sure why they want me seeing is that I am a few years from Social Security but who am I to turn down big bucks to help the old people.

They want me to do a retirement community tour called "Jitterbug Across America" in the "Hopping Jitterbug Bus". It all sounds so exciting to me and they want to pay me six figures, amazing. I'm down with the "Jitterbug" kids!!!

Even more exciting is that Mickey Rooney will be joining me as co-spokesperson for this venture. Can you imagine Mickey and me singing and dancing our way across America doing the Jitterbug song!! It'll be grand.

I already called Mickey and we think we're going to do a duet to "Wake me up before you go go" by Wham....too fun I say.

The tour starts January 2 so we have time to get it together. First stop is Boca and then to Ft. Lauderdale and on and on and of course ending in Alaska at Sully's home away from home....The Gorton's Fish mongers retirement home.

Not that she is there. I haven't heard anything from her since she went on the road with the "Pussycat dolls". I did get a bit of information from my sister Rita that Sully ripped off her top at a party at P-diddy's. I can't believe her.....

Kids, get your "Jitterbugs"

Kisses, MargOH!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Big as a house

Hey kids,

I'm big as a house right now! I've been eating like crazy since my shows ended! I put on a stone at least.

Berna is no help, she's been making me these huge meals fit for 2 queens every night.

I feel as if i need help...overeaters or something. Though I did hear that red wine assists in weight loss. I sent Berna out for a case of Chianti, that should last the weekend.

Oh who really cares, at my age...I can still get any man I want and I do....

I guess I've been thinking about what this woman said in the dressing room of Bergdorf's when I was trying on a a wrap dress that didn't quite wrap around my tummy. She said...."it's too bad you have such a pretty face"

I fucking hate that statement so I took a belt and started smacking her around with who's got the pretty face bitch, I screamed...You're pretty fucking ugly you sick and twisted skinny bitch. I'll fucking kill you!!!!! Berna pulled me back!! as she lay bleeding all over my Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress.

As I woke up from my daydream I said "At least I can be a Dove girl" and walked out with my fat ass and head held high.

Kisses, MargOH!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

DLounge Pics

Hey Kids,

Here are a couple of awesome pics that my Fiance Jeff took during my performance at the dlounge...I think they are just lovely and catch how fabulous I am and what a great photographer he is!!! He is a master at catching moments rather than just taking a picture. I also think he was hammered at the time so that always helps too!!!

Kisses, MargOH!