Monday, February 26, 2007

Oscar Party madness

Hey kids,

I got invited to Linda Hunt's Oscar bash. I was happy to go since it's right next door but it wasn't much of a party. She was only serving tea and biscuits.

I quickly called Aloha liquors and had 2 cases of champers and a beer ball delivered right away. I then got on the horn to whole foods for crudite and cheese tray, a bit of sushi and a cold cut platter....geez Linda was a little slow on the uptake for sure.

Then after being there for a few minutes I realized I was the only invite so then I had to take out my little black book to get some people over.

Of course everyone was game and I told them it was BYOB. I got all the usuals plus a few surprise extras. We had Polly Holiday who had Betty white and Vicky Lawrence visiting so they came over, then Tatum O was in town for the entertainment weekly Oscar viewing so she stopped in. Tatum walked in with Ashleigh Banfield , she's a reporter or something. Candy Bushnell also popped in, just for the free champagne and then ran out with 2 bottles, what a nut job.

We were getting excited for the awards but as usual they were a bit boring from the get go.

I mean really Ellen did her best but I told her mother Betty to skip the Blacks, Jews and Gay's line.

She did it anyway and it tanked, it's been said and done before.

Betty White jumped up and said that was a horrible joke and then she did a version of it that was much funnier; she added something about Bea Arthur doing cartwheels, now thats funny .

Betty got so excited that she spilt champagne all over my new skirt.. Tatum was too eager to help clean off my lap and slipped her hand on my thigh. I swear that girls gone lesbian.

Tatum then went off the wall about her record being broken by Abigail Breslin. It was her being the youngest nominee but Tatum was relieved when she lost to Jennifer Hudson. She screamed...I'm still the youngest, I'm still the youngest and ran out down the hall to the other party.

Linda was a bit overwhelmed especially when Berna walked in with Tony Danza. She's been a porter up at "The Producers" for the past few weeks( just as a side note I haven't been able to dig any further into the whole Berna/Stoli dilemma yet but I will).

Tony started singing at Helen and she got very annoyed by him. She also said he stunk of garlic. I guess he had a little garlic pasta before he came over.
Then she commented on the fact that the show is now closing, no wonder why she told Tony. I don't think he got it, poor thing.

Linda loosened up and bit and started a conga line during Melissa Ethridge's song. Not quite a Latin beat but what the hell I said and joined in.

I must say even though Tony is annoying I got to cop a few feels of his ass and I gotta tell ya it's not too bad for an old geezer.

Vicky Lawrence also kept us in stitches during commercial breaks and those silly dancers contorting themselves(Please I've done that 1000 times during sex)doing her Thelma from Mama's family. She does that character to the hilt....well I guess its the only thing she ever did but who's counting. I was happy about that because that jack Black # was awful.

I think the Oscar's stink but a night with Linda and the gals was too much.

Kisses, MargOH!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Is anybody out there?

Hey Kids,

I need a little comments as of late so I thought I'd throw out a funny pick for ya!!

If I get three comments on this pic I'll down 3 bottle of champagne is 3 minutes without burping til I finish...

Kisses, M

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Liza in Cooterville

Hey Kids,

You know I love my Liza and from time to time stand in for her if she goes on a bender. It's not easy impersonating a drunk ya know? Now she's lost weight again so I'm down to snacking on lettuce and beets to drop a few. My Pee is a gorgeous color at the moment.

Any who, I got a call from Bill "Pappy" Lavornia (Liza's music director and surrogate daddy) to come see her concert this past weekend. It's cold as hell so I figured what the hell. Luckily, i booked a flight with American instead of Jet Blue, yikes.

I got down there and was excited to see the concert. i arrived a bit late but just had enough time to get backstage to say hi. Pappy opened his arms with a big hug and whispered that Liza was sturdy as a horse tonight and didn't need me to stand in. I guess maybe he thought performing at the "Frank Sinatra" theatre may have sparked that old feeling in her and she'd down a bottle of Stoli..who knows.

he wouldn't let go even though i tried to get away and he then said there is one problem though. He said that whenever Liza loses a few pounds she breaks out her old costumes. He asked me if I could somehow talk her into wearing one of her newer pant suits instead of her pink a-line...he said that when she moves you can almost see her cooter. This pink outfit is from her concert that she did with Sammy and Frank back in the day. I knew exactly what he meant.

I went back to the dressing area and Liza greeted me with a double kiss and said hi ya Maggie. i told he she looked fabulous and I was glad she was doing so well. She was looking thin and radiant again..I love it. She asked me to help her practice her scales so I pounded on a few keys for her , a little shaky but who cares...

Then she grabbed her gator ade and started chugging it like mad...I think it may have had a bit of vodka in it mmmm. She then proceeded to put on her pink dress. I asked her how come she was dragging out the old outfits. She told me that it makes her feel young and she was remembering Frank tonight. I said do you think frank wants to see those swollen knee's. You know he would have told you to cover yourself up girlie!

She snapped at me and said how dare I comment on her outfit. I said How could I not, it looks a bit tattered hon and it's a bit short. I know you've lost weight but the girls are hanging a bit lower than they did 20 years ago. Please try on these slacks..they flow much better. She got a bit heated again and said that was her second act outfit. The music started to swell and she whisked out and Pappy was right..I saw a bit of her unspeakable ...yikes. not even wax, poor dear,

The opening act was like a roller coaster, not because of her singing, she was great but because of the dress. The audience was mostly 50-70 somethings and a smattering of queens. That dress was going up and down and side to side and a couple of the seniors covered there eyes as not to catch a glimpse of her cooter. One old man jumped up and yelled out..wait i gotta get my Viagra.

I guess Liza will never learn...or maybe she likes a bit of a breeze on her Lips...

All I can say is out with the old and into the New my dear Liza...

Kisses, MargOH!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Notes on A MargOH! Scandal

Hey Kids,

There's a scandal a brewin!!

You all know that I was moving and have just about settled in. There were a few boxes laying around and since Cuchie is in Argentina...they weren't gonna put themselves away.

I started going through them and found that it was some of Berna's things. She must have left them when she moved out. It was mostly stained underwear and ripped nylons but there was a wooden box also with three locks on it.

MMM... A box with three locks is a bit suspect, don't ya think. I ran over to the tool chest to get my lock-picks (I used those when I had the bordello in bangkok just in case the girls locked themselves in the room, don't ask).

I got them all unlocked and opened the box. The first thing I see is a twinkie, it figures. I dug down deeper and I see a bunch of papers with paternity test stamped all over it. There were adoption papers as well and an envelope with Stumpy Jones's name on it. I opened it up and there were checks written to him for 5,000 a piece. There were 5 of them dated for the years 1980 and 1981.

After I saw that I immediatly opened the other envelopes and to my shock...then I passed out...I woke up on the floor covered in drool and wondering what had happened. I got myself together and crawled to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of champers and downed it in 2 seconds.

I crawled back to the box and looked through the papers again. There was a birth certificate and paternity tests from Stumpy, myself and Berna. I couldn't believe my eyes. It said that the test was 97.7% positive that Berna was Stoli's mother and Stumpy Jones the father. Then the other test read that I was 94.8% proof and should never have children again.

I then looked at the birth certificate and there it was, under mother for Stoli Channing was My Name but it had been typed over white out. I rubbed off the white out and there it was Berna Breckenridge.

There was another birth certificate as well but this was for a boy and his name was Jack Daniel Channing. Did she have twins? Was this real? I couldn't believe that Berna... Then I heard her coming in so I put everything in the box and threw it in the closet.

She's been here ever since and I haven't been able to get back to that box. I did put a little drano in Berna's Black Bean soup. She's not feeling that well mmm...

I wonder why....

When I am ready to pounce on this, I'll let you all know!

It's scandalous...

Kisses, MargOH!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Officially Sick of the Cold

Hey Kids,

I am officially sick of the cold, it's horrible....

I've had to drink 3 bottles of Apricot brandy just to get myself to the liquor store to pick more up...Cuchie went to Argentina to visit her family so I'm stuck here with Berna.

Berna doesn't work for me any longer so she's refusing to help out. Stoli decided to go stay with my sister Rita in San Diego. I'm sure she'll be doing porn soon, Rita already got her a job applying spray tans for the vivid video gals.

Kim Fung is crapping all over the house because she hasn't been able to go visit her boy toy Reilly. I told her she's barking up the wrong tree there, that dog is gay. I can see it in his eyes....

See what the winter does to makes me crazy...thinking of a dogs sexuality...
What will be next?

Only the Spring knows so get here already!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, February 12, 2007

MargOH! for President

Hey Kids,

I just got a call from porn star Jenna Jameson...mmmm She was talking to my sister Rita and they are thinking of starting their own political party.

It's called "The Porn Party"....mmmm how original. I guess they were having a few vodka gimlets over at Eddie Van Halen's. I guess Eddie told Jenna screw Hilary, you should run for President. This started a heated conversation about the "The Porn Party" and how they could build grass root support by gathering all the 80's heavy metal bands. They said they could do a concert to raise funds and followers.
They even picked the theme song Poison's "Talk dirty to me". Jenna thought that would get the Nascar vote.

Though Jenna voiced her opinion that it might be hard for a porn star of her caliber to get elected. She is a smart cookie and very talented in the bedroom but I'm not sure if she could wrangle with Bill Frist...on second thought I think she has, oooops..sorry to spill that.

Anyway Rita chimed in a said I know who can lead the "Porn Party" to victory. My sister MargOH!. She can spin shit into gold...she said. She's a born politician and she's slept with plenty of senator's.

At this point I hung up the phone. I haven't slept with a senator since 1977 and I won't say who but he is still serving.....yikes...he's an old geezer now. Ted...oops I did it again.

My sister Rita is crazy...Well, I mean I'm as pretty as Hilary and I do dress much better. I know Bill Clinton as well as she does and I do know "The pledge of Allegiance"....

I'll have to call Madeline Albright and see what she thinks. She is a smart gal and she'll tell me if I've got a shot.

I mean "Porn" has power especially in Washington. Don't forget my sister Rita starred in "Muff Divers 1-25" and in MD 1 she co-starred with lactating Lynne who we now know as Mrs. Lynne Cheney. She's got the nerve to write children's books.

MargOH! for President...start the buzz kids!!

Kisses, M

Friday, February 09, 2007

Glamorous Anna, You're so Outrageous

Hey Kids,

The past couple of days have just been rough...2007 has gotten off to a shaky start for MargOH!

Losing the "Jitterbug" tour, losing a dear friend and now my sassy and fabulous Anna.

Anna was a real trooper in my book and I adored her. She had a fabulous light inside that will never be shut off.

I know she could be a little rough around the edges but that's what was so fabulous. She was one in a million and lived like it.

I got to know Anna when she was on tour for her second Playboy cover and was touring through Bangkok. Her and The heff stopped in for some RR. Of course Anna and I ended up doing about 20 shooter's of upside down Kamikaze's.

We were both still on our feet so from that day on we were buddies. Hugh said we should keep in touch just in case one of us needed a liver transplant...LOL.

Anna also tried to get me a bit part in her movie "Skyscraper" but they weren't looking for my type...Your boobs had to be of a certain size for that casting agent..disgusting.

When I moved back to the states I met up with Anna again after one of her appearances on Stern. She said she wanted go somewhere low- key so I took her to a bar called McSwiggan's on 2nd ave. It's a dump and reeks of stale beer but we had a blast. The bartender didn't know how to make a kamikaze so Anna jumped behind the bar, the Vicky Lynn came out in her and she was oozing with Texas hospitality. She still drank me under the table....Now that's what America is all about Kids!!!!

That was the last time I saw Anna but i got a x-mas card every year and I sent her one.

She was a beauty and a lot of fun. She knew she was the brunt of jokes but was always kind and cordial to her fans.

I was and am a huge fan and will Miss the Zany Anna Nicole..

Wishing you eternal peace my dear...

Kisses, MargOH!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Wishing you eternal Peace Mr. Chin

Hey Kids,

I'm a bit down in the bottle today after learning about the death of a friend.

His name was Andrew Chin and we met during one of my trips with Berna to Rhode Island. I've known him now since 1993... There were many trips after that to see Andrew...He had a fabulous quality!!

Andrew had a knack for throwing these fabulous dinner parties with bountiful foods(like a kings court). He would invite professors, artists, musicians, drunks and drag queens. These parties always guaranteed an interesting evening. People loved to attend and there were many heated and fun filled conversations at that dinner table. I loved it!!

He also had a flair for decorating, he could take antique or down right busted furniture and mix them with modern items and make it work.
I called it Stevie Nicks meets Queen Elizabeth..

Berna always uses Andrews technique's when we throw a party and everyone loves it. Big handmade napkin rings and goblets laced with scratched goldleaf. Dusty table runner's with a gorgoeus all worked.

There were also lovely get togethers on his front porch with bottles of wine flowing in the summer breeze.

He had an infectious laugh...he suffered from Asthma so it was a raspy laugh but one that made you join in...

He danced better than any gay I've ever known. I even named his dance "The Chin". It was an all out arm swinging dance with an 80's bounce...

Andrew was a great friend!

Like many frienships we drifted a bit but learning of his sudden death of a heart attack at 44 is just unbelievable.

It's when someone is gone all of their best qualities come to mind....

Isn't it funny how in our everyday lives it's the negatives that we can sometimes focus on in eachother...even the people we love or admire....

Andrew was a unique individual with many faults (as we all have) but as I sit here writing this I can only remember his perfection. The quality of his conversations and the tone of his soothing voice. I can say I will never forget the laughs we shared over the year's. Those were perfection..

I realize how fortunate I am to have known him and he lives in my mind now...

Wishing you eternal peace my friend

Cheers Andrew

Kisses, MargOH!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

It's a Fashion Nightmare

Hey Kids,

Yet, another fashion week is upon us and you all know how much i love it......

I like fashion, its just that I hate fashionista's...

Any who, i went to the Isaac Mizrahi show with Berna and Kathie Lee Gifford. Kathie Lee would wear Isaac's stuff when he was good in the 80's and 90's.

It's cold as hell out but I figured what the hell. Berna and I met Kathie Lee outside and she had our passes and of course who do I see first but that jackass Andre Leon Tally..spilling his rum cocktail everywhere trying to act as if he is sexy. He approaches and says that he hasn't seen me in a while...I say thank god, he says Oh, MargOH! you know I love ya even though you are a fashion nightmare, I say..I'd rather be a fashion nightmare than a big fat pig and I walk on. These are the types of conversations that happen at fashion's just grand.

We go to the tent and take our seats, i carry a tray of champagne with us...It's gonna be a bumpy day..Berna is already talking with katherine McPhee telling her that her "Over the Rainbow" is a masterpiece, I sticking my finger down my throat in disgust. Berna's a brown noser...katherine was fascinated by me and asked me who I was. I said if you have to ask then I won't tell...I was a bitchy MargOH! She sulked for a moment and then i handed her a glass of bubbly and all was well.....

Until it happened...The she-devil approached AW I call her....she's a mean and nasty bitch...the movie was right but I'm sure kinder than it should be.

The lights go down and the parade starts....

It's a fashion nightmare.....

What a bunch of crap..not the line but Cari Modine....Ugh what was she wearing....

she's odd looking and of course she sits right in front of me with this big fur hat..

Not that I minded cause then the real show started and let me tell you it was mediocre...not Isaac's best...

I think he should stick to commentating and such...he's lost his fashion sense...

then after the clown parade he comes rolling down the isle in a wheel chair and AW runs and jumps in his lap and she screams no pictures and the room goes silent and then he screams...I just broke my pelvis in a car accident in the Hampton's...I heard the real story was that he was so drunk from seeing his finished product he fell down a flight of stairs...poor thing

It was the best thing I'd seen all day...

I wish i had a ticket to the Bill Blass show cause honey those are some clothes...

I gotta order in for my upcoming show..It'll be grand.

Another fashion week gone, yawn

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, February 05, 2007

A Slippery Slope

Hey Kids,

I had a wild weekend.

Now , I left with Linda Hunt on our ski weekend that ended up a ski day. We got up to Vermont and hit the slopes right away. Linda was hot to the trail. I decided to go to the bunny hill first, it's been a while since I've hit the slopes.

Linda went straight to the top with speed on her mind. I watched her go up that ski lift but never saw her come back down...well she did, but on a stretcher. I guess she went off the trail and ended up on the snowboard obstacle course and did a somersalt off the half pipe and landed on her tailbone, ouch!

What a bummer, I stayed with little old Linda until she was checked out of the emergency room and slapped her in a car for home. I didn't feel like staying at the lodge all alone and was not in a NY state of Mind so I headed to Rhode Island to see Berna's peeps.

I was out and about for a wild weekend, drinking and smoking.

I did a little number at a cute little joint called Dark lady.

Berna's brother is a Limo driver so he whisked me around town in style.

I met up with some old friends that know where to find the booze and the boys. I was happy to get away and have a little fun..Being in NY 24/7 can be a little tiring for the old gal, especially a legendary one.

I'll be back kids after I check on Linda. i picked her up a bottle of Jack to sooth those bones and Cuchie made her some chicken soup....

I can be so domestic...It must be the New England in me!!

Kisses, MargOH!