Friday, December 30, 2005

Happy New Year

Hey Kids,

Knowing that I will be off to Connecticut for a soiree at Kathy Lee Gifford's I wanted to say Happy New Year.

I actually was worried about what I was going to do for New Years because I had not received any invitations. Last year I spent the evening with Mickey and Jan Rooney and lost my shirt and Bra in a hot and heavy Poker game. I was determined not to have that happen again so I didn't even open their Xmas card.

Luckily I got a call from my gal pal Joy Beyhar from "The View" and she told me that Kathy Lee was beside herself because her maid Dinah Maria Conchita Suarez Alonso had flipped out. She told Kathy that she was sick of cleaning up after Cody and that other little brat they have. She said that Cody has a problem with getting shit all over the toilet when he takes a crap, aargh, a little to much info. kathy Lee was frantic since this happened yesterday and she had 100 people coming to the New Years Party, yikes.

Well Joy told her about my Berna and what a wiz she was and how she was use to cleaning up all sorts of messes. I don't know what she meant by that but of course I offered Berna's services for a pretty penny. I am always willing to help out when I can.

Kathy Lee and I have crossed paths before. When she was in the midst of her clothing scandal I let her perform at my Cabaret in Thailand to gain local support and to prove she would never knowingly let children make her clothes for a dime and hour. She did a brilliant version of "Second Hand Rose" while she tossed 100 dollar bills to the crowd. I thought it an odd choice but somehow it worked for her.

Anyway Kathy Lee called me and thanked me for letting her borrow Berna and of course asked me to come along and told me that my invite must have gotten lost in the mail. I actually would much rather be spending my evening with Mariah or Nellie but those girls are working. Instead I have to mix it up with Cindy Adams and Barbara Walters, how droll.

Before I got off the phone with kathy Lee I had her promise me two things to seal the deal to come and offer Berna's services. They were for us to do a duet of "Class" from Chicago and for her to make sure that filthy husband of hers keeps his hands off of me.

Well Kids once again please have a Happy and Healthy New Year.

I know I will!!!!

Kisses, Margoh!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Holiday Update

Hey Kids,

Just got back from a fabulous time in Vermont. The chalet was just lovely though it wasn't opened for the season yet, it had no heat or hot water. We made the best of it and Berna gathered wood for the fireplace and boiled water for my bathing.

Berna gave me the DVD box set of "Wonder Woman". It was thoughtful and wonderful to see myself again. I played Greek goddess # 6 in a couple of the episodes. Though you can barely see me because of Lynda Carter's boobs, she was such a camera hog that one. I gave Berna the gift of Love for the holiday and she really appreciated it. That is a step up from last year when I gave her a hickory farms sausage.

We also ran over to Ben & Jerry's on Xmas eve and they were just wonderful but they both need a shave. I had hair running all through my egg nog. Luckily i brought a flask of rum to add, it was weak with the booze. They had Berna Churning that Ice cream crank like crazy because Cameran Manheim and Marissa Jaret Winokur were the guests of honor and can those to shove down the rocky road. It was gross really but who am I to judge.....

Well if I thought that was bad, it got worse when we got back home. I found my mother Sully sitting in the hallway waiting for me to arrive. She had been told that the "Fishmongers Retirement home" was being demolished to make way for the oil drilling in Alaska.

She didn't realize that I had contacted my Baby Teddy kennedy and he pulled some strings and the drilling was blocked by Carl Levin and some other senators. So for now the home is safe. Thank goodness because Sully can be a handful and I just couldn't handle looking after her with my busy schedule. I immediatly called amtrak to get her on the next train out but she insisted on hopping the freight train again. Well you can't tell that woman anything so I stocked her up with cans of Tuna and a loaf of bread and she was on her way.

Thanks Teddy baby. I really dodged a bullet on this one.

I'll be back with more updates!!!

Kisses Kids,


Friday, December 23, 2005

Merry Xmas Kids

Hey Kids,

I wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Xmas before I run off to Vermont.

I was suppose to be spending my xmas with Shirley Bassey at her Chalet in the Swiss Alps but after she read my blog that disclosed that she had botox injections she went balistic. She slammed the door in my face and said that she would never forgive me.... Yeah right, after she cools down she'll be back....She know's I always have a full Liquor cabinet!!!!

Anyway we decided to go to Berna's 2nd cousin's twice removed Ski Chalet in Stowe, Vermont. We are going to hit the trails and the fabulous country inn's to enjoy mulled wine and popcorn balls.... very festive. I am just hoping that I remember how to pick a lock with a bobby pin, mmmm yeah there we go... I just did it with my Master lock. We'll be all set!!

Again Kids, Have a Merry Xmas

Kisses, MargOH!

Berna get your ass in gear, we gotta go...

Monday, December 19, 2005

Party, Party, Party, Botox

Hey Kids,

I have been so busy going to Holiday soirees that I have slipped on my posts.

Now I must tell you that I went to a party at Polly Holiday's apartment this weekend and it was Fabulous. Polly played Flo on the sitcom "Alice" and had a spin-off called "Flo". Since then Polly has continued to work and is just a very kind and wonderful woman.

When I arrived I could not believe it, it was like an 80's sitcom reunion. The guest list included Linda Lavin, Beth Howland and many others from the show Alice but to my surprise there was many others including Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges. Charlotte Ray was doing jello shots with Danny Pintauro, she's a wild one. Of course I spent the night talking with Gary Coleman and he chewed my ear off about how he was planning a lawsuit against the producers of "Ave Q". He said he at least deserves the right to play himself. I did explain to him though that he would be playing a woman playing himself so it might give the wrong impression. The whole conversation became very confusing that I bailed into the bathroom. I had to kick Lisa Welchel out of the toilet because she started preaching to me and trying to give me Home schooling brochures, very annoying she is.. She obviously didn't learn manners from her stint on "Facts of Life".

After all of this turmoil I looked in the mirror and noticed I had my first worry lines on my forehead, actually not bad for a 57 year old but I quickly adjusted my bangs and called Shirley bassey knowing she has a long list of Plastic surgeons on her speed dial. Shirley recommended a Dr. for Botox and I made an appointment.

I woke up early the next morning and feeling very puffy. It was most likely from the Lay's potato chips and sour cream and onion dip from Polly's party. Polly is a dear but her food spread was very generic and trailer park.. maybe Flo is floating around in her head all the time. Any way I got to the doctors office that was on a small street in Chinatown. I thought it odd that there was a password I had to say before they let me in but for 75 bucks it was worth it. I had my injections and now can worry all I want with no lines, it's very exciting. I do have some odd red spots all over my face but the doctor said it may go away. I hope so or that Shirley Bassey is gonna get it. I'll keep you updated.



Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tatum and me

Hey Kids,

I attended the "Gypsy of Chelsea" premiere hosted by Angelica Houston at Studio 54. Luckily, I ran into Tatum O'Neal McEnroe O'Neal at Jagged nails on 38th Street and she asked me to go with her. Tatum is so cute and still calls me Auntie MargOH!, I was in the film "Bad News Bears" and sometime gal pal of Walter Matthau, he was hung like a bear let me tell you. Anyway, tatum always called me even when she was having her troubles with drugs. I always told her "tatum stick with the weed and never inject yourself with anything other than collagen"(at the time mind you Botox wasn't available). Unfortunately she didn't listen and dabbed into everything but she is doing just fine now and looks absolutely gorgeous.

We had a grand time though the one woman show was a little hard for tatum to get through being it is about a girls vision of what her mother was like as a cocaine addict. It was a wonderful piece and I was happy I went with Tatum to help her through those rough moments. I hope she didn't notice I slipped a bit of Apricot Brandy in her Ginger ale.... (though when we got back to her apartment she danced around the room with her Oscar laughing like mad). A no no by AA Standards but a Staple for Miss MargOH!'s guide to letting loose. After she danced she told me she was going to be on "Dancing with the Stars". Everything is looking up for Tatum and I'm glad!!!!

It was a wonderful evening and Tatum has promised to keep in touch. I'm so happy that another one of Auntie MargOH!'s girls made it through her troubles. Now if I could just get through to Whitney, life would be grand......

Monday, December 12, 2005

Top 5 Christmas Songs

Hey Kids,

I have soooooooo many lists now that I don't know what to do..

I made the mistake of going to the King Kong Premiere with Penny Marshall. I love Penny and she is quite a gal but understanding her takes a bit of extra effort.
I spent so much time bending over the table at dinner that I almost through my back out. Even with that all I really heard was, yeah, sex with strangers and Tommy Lee.
God i hope she didn't have sex with Tommy Lee....

Anway I was able to do 10 top 5 lists during King Kong, it is like 3 hours long and I must say.... Why, Why, Why.... Give me Fay Raye anyday. It went on forever and Jack Black has got to be my pick for the most annoying man alive.... Argh.

MargOH! list have been testy so i decided to do a list of my favorite christmas songs of all time... Tis the season.

#5- "Please Daddy Don't get drunk this Christmas" by John Denver

#4- "Christmas at our House" by Barbara Mandrell

#3- "Santa Baby" by Eartha Kitt

#2- "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" by Judy Garland

#1- "The Christmas Song" by The Carpenters

So suck on that Candycane for a while, oops sorry getting testy again. Let me know if you have a favorite!!!

I'll be back with my top 5 most annoying straight people in my next post kids.



Thursday, December 08, 2005

2005's Most Annoying Gays

Hey Kids,

I've been pondering my lists and of course checking them twice...

You all know that I am a friend of the Gays. I love them! I've even danced under the sheets with a few of them in my day. Lately though the Media has been pushing the same Gay and Lesbian's in my face this year. They make it seem that there are only 10 Gay's that can make us happy. They are dead wrong!!!

I have now decided to compile my list of the 5 most Annoying gays of the Year.

My # 5 Most Annoying Gay is this person called ANT. I am not sure exactly who he is but he is popping up everywhere. He is on virtually every show on VH1 including the dreadful "Celebrity Fit Club". They even tried to butch him up this year and that failed miserably. If anyone know's who and what has made ANT a player for anything else but being gay please let me know. I am sure ANT is a lovely gay but I don't want to see him crowing all the damn time

MY # 4 Most Annoying Gay is Judy Gold. Judy has been around for years doing writing, comedy, and guest spots on such sitcom's as "All American Girl" and "Roseanne". Lately though she is called upon to give commentary on everything from what dance Ellen will do next to contemplating what Tampon Ellen is using and everything in between and everything in between ain't much!! Isn't there any other Lesbian comics that have something to say.... Guess Not

My # 3 Most Annoying Gay's are "The Fab Five". It is straight and simple with this gang of gays.... Over exposed is the only phrase I can think of to describe them. It is just all too much and who in the hell cares what they have to say any more. It's all been done before........Christopher Lowell is all 5 wrapped in one , Hello people!!!

My # 2 Most Annoying Gay is Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. Now I know what you are thinking, please if Matthew hasn't sucked on something more than a lolipop then I will eat..... well anyway.... This team has been in our faces for far too long and we still have the producers movie to deal with. Can't we find another gay couple to act in every broadway show calling for a slapstick duo . Oh yeah Harvey and Rosie..They'll be on the list next year.....

My # 1 Most Annoying Gay is actually annoying for acting like she is not gay to keep her mid-western suburban fan base happy...... It is Ellen . Now you all know that I consulted with Ellen for years and was on her payroll via her Mom Betty. To my suprise earlier this year I was let go for being too gay friendly. I heard she is now taking advice from Mary Cheney, daughter of Dick. I mean really she went from comin all the way out on TV to Running back in and slamming the door shut. She has turned down and shyed away from having Gay people on her morning show, even poor Ru Paul was scorned. She's actually taken the fun out of being Gay..... Shame on you Ellen!!!!

Kisses Kids,

I'll be working on my next list


Monday, December 05, 2005

My Big in "05"

Hey Kids,

Well I am back from the "Fishmongers' Retirement Home" finally. Due to the Midwest weather and detours to vegas and a brief visit to my sister Rita in San Diego I am back.

Back just in time to see the "Big in 05" awards. You know, one of the endless award show's that let even D list celebs know that they are important. Please, the last thing we need is another awards show but I thought what the hell, my Opinion Counts.

Tis why I have decided over the next few posts to share my thoughts and provide a debt of gratitude to those celebs that keep me talking or even employed throughout the year. I am starting with my "Big in 05" list. The stories that I feel are the most worthy of our admiration or disgust!!!!

My Big # 5 in 05 has to go to Kirsty Alley for her ability to turn Lemons into Lemonade or should I say fat into motor oil. She really proved that you can be a fat ass and still attract attention no matter what the cause is. Even though the actual show "Fat Actress" stunk she was able to even help me lose weight, not by using Jenny Craig but by getting so sick of seeing her mug on TV that I became too sick to eat!! Bitch...

My Big # 4 in 05 goes to the end of the Show "Everybody Loves Raymond". I never watched the show but must have been asked over 8,000 times if i saw "Everybody Loves Raymond" this week and 8,000 times I said No. Now I have nothing against Ray Ramono, it is that bitch Doris Roberts who works my last nerve. She is the reason I lost the role of Angie to Donna whatever her name was because I didn't have red hair. Thankfully we will not have to listen to another one of her Emmy Speeches where she tells everyone what a wonder she is. In the end the show left me wondering.... there must have been some reason why I didn't watch it so I am thrilled they pulled the plug. I have heard through the grapevine that Brad Garrett is the "Big" man on campus for some upcoming projects so i'll have to suck on that.....

My Big # 3 in 05 has to be that my "Lord and empress goddess" Madonna has made it to the Dance floor once again with her new CD. The heaven's have answered my prayers and I am forever thankful for the chance to shake my booty to some retro fabulous music. If I had to turn out for one more sad "Mariah remix" I might have had another earache. It is my Madonna who sets the trends and I am on my way right now to get my farrah Fawcett flips Aqua netted up as we speak.... Farrah almost actually made this list in at a cool # 6 for her reality turn. Anyway I am forever thankful to Madonna except for "Shanghai Suprise" and "Body of Evidence" but the new CD is the tops, Kisses Maddy Baby

My Big # 2 in 05 is the slow crumbling of our jackass president George W. I knew it would not take much time for the wheels to come off after the sad and misguided mid west states voted that moron in for a second term. Now my Big in 05 is not meant to be a political statement however when you have a leader who has made this country into an absolute mess there needs to be at least a lambasting by MargOH!

I think New Orleans alone is enough to send him and his sorry ass down the river with no life jacket. His handling of the glorious protest of Cindy Sheehan is also a nail in his coffin. Not even having the dignity to speak to a grieving mother, what a bastard....... His demise as leader and his being viewed as a jackass even by the jackasses that voted for him is Big enough to make my list. Down with george........

My big # 1 in 05 was tough to pick but I could look no further than one of the most famous dogs to ever touch this earth besides my pooch Kim Fung. It is "Sam, the worlds ugliest dog" that passed away at age 14. Yes that's right... the biggest and my most loved story of the year is that Ugly dog.... talk about overcoming obstacles and being admired even though you are hideous, much like Lynn Chaney must feel about her husband Dick...
Sam was a much beloved dog of it's owner Susie Lockheed who said that Sam was one of a kind and could never be matched. This is so true though have you seen Britney and kevin's baby, could be a dead ringer.... but I digress. The thing about Sam is that he gives us all hope in a world so focused on bueaty. I know every time I look in the Mirror and am not looking my best I will dust myself off and throw on a little more powder and get on with it because I know Sam didn't have that luxury. Sam is my hero and should be the example we should all live by.... "ugly aint so bad" kids....Live on forever Sam....

Kisses, MargOH!

I'll be workin on my next list