Thursday, December 27, 2007

Happy Holidays

Hey Kids,

I'll be back with my next list. There have been some fun things happening in 2007 so I think I'll also do a Top ten of my favorite and fun things in 2007...I don't want to be all doom and gloom...cause you know MargOH! cures her blues with a nice cocktail and believe me..It's grand...

I'll be posting my last most annoying list for the gays...

Kisses, MargOH!

PS Happy Holiday Hangover...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

A Christmas Message From MargOH!

Hey Kids,

Have a Happy and Champagne filled Holiday and New Years!!


MargOH!, MAN-ee, Berna and Kim Fung

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

1st Annual "Most Annoying Teen and or Young Adult" of 2007

Hey kids,

Here is the 2nd list ("The Most Annoying Teens and Young Adults" of 2007) in my trilogy of people that really piss me off for several different reasons... I usually love to mix it up with the kids and I do with my fabulous friends like Nellie McKay, my darling La John Joseph and super sexy Legs Malone and even all of my UK kids Phoebe, Dan, Alice, Oli, Katie and the gang. They are all fabulous young adults that make this old gal keep up with what's hot and whats not. They all are wonderful artists or just damn good people who are trying to better this world with their own point of view. MargOH! Likes that!!!!

Now to my list!!!! There are many young people out there that are not doing good by themselves or for anyone else. These are fame hungry Cretans that just do things to get in the press and make fools of themselves for no good reason. This is why I had to add this list because these fools are rampant and I am highly annoyed.

5. Miley Cyrus AKA Hannah Montana-

All I can say about this tart is that I long for the days of Debbie Gibson who Proved her love, Stacey Latisaw who found love on a two way street and Tiffany who just wanted to be alone...or even Mariah who had a vision of love.

What moron names their child Miley? Oh, yeah Billy Ray Cyrus, the poor dear can't make it on his own so he sells out his little gal to bring home the bacon and I'm sure he's frying it up in the pan. I understand the kids need to adore someone but it seems Disney has created a pint sized monster who is raking in the bucks with some ticket prices going for 2,400 smackers. All of that money to hear someone sing to a track is really insane.

Have we learned nothing from what happens when teens turn into mega stars..Britney, the poor Olsen twins who are all just shells of their former selves.

Listen kids, I'm all for youth and spend many a morning watching Sesame street while I have my morning mimosa but as a culture should we be supporting the children to support teen girls that they learn nothing least with Debbie Gibson I learned how to shake my love....really.. I'll talk to you in ten years when poor Miley is getting out of Rehab and suing her parents for naming her Miley...

I've added a video of what Miley Cyrus is doing to our impressionable youth...enough said

4. Lindsey Lohan-

What can I say about Lindsey...first and foremost one thing every person should do if they are going to be in the public eye is learn how to hold their drugs and liquor. It took me years of practice to master the art of being drunk in public without making an ass of myself but I did all that before I was actually famous so now I know how to conduct myself while drinking at any social occasion...

Now the other thing I have to say to Lindsey is you have a lot of money and you are a celebrity and you live in California....Get a god damn driver you stupid idiot little girl. I go out to LA and San Diego a few times a year and god damn it I hire a car service, it only costs a couple hundred bucks a day and I only make a fraction of what you do you stinking mess...but if old MargOH! gets a little messy I don't have to deal with the celebrity stalking LAPD...

Listen, I think Lindsey has a bit of talent but she is annoying because she's too stupid to learn how to hold her booze and to hire a god damn throw her in the slammer and throw away the key.....

3. Jonathan Lipnicki-

Now kids was there anyone as adorable as the big headed Jonathan Lipnicki with his cute smart mouthed raspy voice and chipmunk cheeks who gave Tom cruise a run for his money.

I'm not annoyed with Jonathan for doing anything wrong, it's just that I miss that big headed, eye glass wearing bundle of joy...Oh where can my Jonathan be??? Why isn't he in all the big supporting roles out there and hitting all the tabloids for lewd and drunken behavior. I decided to do a little research and found his website and there was the answer staring me right in the face, he's 17 now and how should I put this, well, he's not as cute as he used to be...He is quite a handsome lad but I can see why he's not getting any work. Though he says he's looking for the right roles...I hope that doesn't mean he's going to start doing gay porn, it happens you know...they look for the right roles and somehow don't find them but the porn fairy will find out little Jonathan.... I guess I'm forced to put in my dvd of Little Vampire to get that old Jonathan Lipnicki feeling....hmmmmmm, sigh...

2. Jordin Sparks

I'm sorry kids but you were all fooled by the sappy teen persona Jordin carried out on American Idol. I could see through the fog and tell she was a bad girl playing a role to win the hearts of the voting public. She's very christian you know and we all know they are usually the worst...

Now many of you know that Shirley Bassey has her NYC apartment right next to mine and boy let me tell you Shirley was going ballistic about Jordin singing one of her signature songs. The song was "I who have nothing" which is to Shirley one of her great numbers and she was heartsick to know that the American Idol fans thought Jordin's version to be better than hers and worse yet there were people on youtube asking who in the hell Shirley Bassey was. Let me tell you the vases were flying and the crying fits of rage could be heard through the hallways of my building. I was completely annoyed with Jordin because I had a splitting headache from all of Shirley's screaming and carrying on....

It is understandable that Shirley would be upset, she has one of the great voices ever and to be compared with this teen amateur is disgusting...Jordin don't know nothing about having nothing...she's taken a chastity pledge for goodness sake. You can't have heartache unless you've done the nasty in my opinion and poor Shirley's been through the ringer and has felt the pain of rejection I'm sure and she sings it that way.....

Now that Jordin has released her album she somehow shed that fake persona and released that bad girl song "Tattoo"....The album has tanked by American Idol standards and has had very little press.... I bet Shirley called in a few favors to squash it and send Jordin into a fit of her own....poor thing....what comes around goes around so stick that in your christian collection box girrrrrrrrrlll, you shouldn't messed with Shirley's song sista....hmmmmm

1. Amy Winehouse-

Now little thin and lanky boned Amy is pushing it to be in this category because she is almost twenty five and the young adult category should end at twenty one or so but I am so annoyed by this hag that I had to put her somewhere...and really the straight category didn't seem right to me....I'm not sure who'd want her but since she acts like a pre-teen maybe she can audition for next season's "Kid Nation" and they can make her work hard labor the whole time....what a mess....

What really annoys me about this chicklet is that she has a huge amount of talent and she's throwing it all away on a disgusting man and heroine.....really. I would kill to have the voice this scrawny beast has and if I did I'd be turning down the needles for the damn microphone but for some reason she prefers it the other way. I love a drink though and could understand if she was downing vodka a la Janis Joplin or Chaka Kahn right on the damn stage and breaking things to get the crowd going but this little gal can't even get on stage and sing a number...very sad...It's all very Rickie Lee Jones and sad....Amy darling from one drinker to a druggy please don't follow your own advice and get your ass to "Rehab" ....before you end up a scrawny old hooker wondering what the fuck happened or I hate to say it....dead....get off the smack and get on stage a sing it damn it or maybe just maybe I will do it for you..

Berna darling can you make me a gin and tonic...yes Gin...Amy makes me want to do bad things.....

I'll be back kids with my final list of "The Most Annoying Gays" of 2007 and let me tell you I almost had to make it a top 25 because the gays went nuts in 2007....

Kisses, MargOH!

Honorable mentions

1. The Olsen Twins-just because

2. Taylor Swift- Another boring country singer, please play Dolly on Radio again...

3. Ashley Tisdale-First I had to ask myself who the hell is Ashley Tisdale when Berna, MAN-ee, Linda Hunt and myself went to the Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting. It was my first time and last believe me...I was clocked in the head by a bottle of Riunite wine in the hands of some housewife from Minnesota..ouch. Then I asked myself why can't this girl Lip Sync?, She was terrible....Then I thought I should open a Lip Sync academy and call it "The Lip Sync Academy".....

Thursday, December 13, 2007

MargOH!'s 3rd Annual "Most Annoying Straights" of 2007 List

Hey Kids,

This is my favorite time of year and not because of Christmas but because it's time to let everyone know what has pissed me off this year. I usually do this in two lists but this year there will be three. The reason for three is that there are so many annoying teen and young adults out there these days that I just had to add "The Most annoying Teen and Young adults of 2007" category this year.

Now over the past lists I've always included my top ten in this category because there are no straight people more annoying than George and Laura Bush, Dick Cheney(just die already), Condoleeza Rice and Donald "The Torturer" Rumsfeld and of course we have Roberto Gonzalez. I guess you can say that 99.99% of Republicans are annoying and really make me scream, throw booze raged fits and make me have thoughts of torturing my long time wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge.

I realize that the darkness of the past eight years is coming to a close so that is all I have to say about that....My only wish is that we elect Mike Gravel to the presidency...he's a feisty old bastard and at 76 not a bad looking daddy..I know it won't happen but he's got my vote...

Without any further babble, here is my list of the 5 "Most Annoying Straights" of 2007


What can I say about Jenna....From whore to Wholesome I guess. The first thing I notice about Jenna is that she has that same dead look in her eyes that her mother does. Little pools of black that sparkle with oil money. Now to be fair I liked Jenna much better when she was being a party favor for the frat boys and living it up texas style. That was fun and I mean she learned how to grow a coke nail from daddy so it made me happy to know she was continuing the tradition.

Fast forward to 2007 and Jenna is daddy's little angel being spun by bitchy blond PR girls from NY into an Angelic UNICEF volunteer and pushing a book on the public so we all know how wonderful she is...Well kids don't be fooled by the smokescreen PR gals can smoke up. My sister Rita who belongs to a UNICEF volunteer sect called "Ex Porn Stars for UNICEF" was in the same Latin America village at the time of Jenna's so called mission. Rita told me that Jenna flew in a Homeland Security Trailer with air conditioning and a satellite and a big screen TV so she wouldn't miss and episode of "Bad Girls" on BBC. She also had a generator to ensure that she had hot running water and was once seen kicking a small child who tried to get in for a shower, how cruel. Rita's friend Monica Mounds also reported that the only time Jenna left the trailer was to have her hair braided Bo Derek Style by some of the local ladies...She also had 2 assistants running around doing all of the work and getting her the story for the book, shame, shame on you Jenna.

The final straw was Jenna's appearance on "The Ellen DeGeneres show" when Ellen had her call Daddy... Poor Jenna was so scared and looked very wary to call but Ellen is demanding. Jenna said "They're going to kill me". "I'm going to be in so much trouble." She also added she was afraid she would get no Christmas presents. I think Jenna did one thing for us in this highly annoying TV appearance and that is show the world that we should be afraid of George W. Bush. If his own daughter is afraid of "daddy" then shouldn't we be....I bet he kicked the crap out of her when she got back to Washington....Poor thing, I think she should go back to drinking and drugging it was much more attractive on her...


Now kids no one was a bigger fan of RACHEL RAY in the beginning and I don't know how many times Berna and I watched "$40 a day" while drinking champers and eating a Rachel Ray 30 minute meal. She was so cute and cuddly and I just wanted to touch her and I got my chance at our local market when one day I ran into her when I was picking up a six pack for Glenda the Super.

I approached the little darling and told her how much we enjoyed the show and she was very sweet and even paid for the six pack, though she took one and stuck it in her purse but she is a drinking kind of gal so I didn't mind.

Fast forward to her face on Wheat thins,trisquits and dunkin donuts posters and her face on every other bus promoting her rather uncomfortable morning show. It is Rachel Ray Mania and the poor thing is now a shell of herself with a Brenda Vaccaro voice and the forced personality of Kathie Lee Gifford. I think things went downhill after she married that husband of hers. She probably over-extended herself so she can be out of the house as much as possible as not to get involved in any sex games. Rachel Ray is an example of what can happen when you get the "Oprah" stamp of approval so Obama better watch it...The Big O can be a double edged sword and poor Rachel fell right on it....It's not that I don't like Rachel but she is "Annoying by Over exposure". What really put me over the edge is that I heard she landed a record deal with Sony to do a CD of standards that mention food....OH god, haven't we suffered enough from Rod Stewart's standards..............................................


Nothing makes MargOH! reach for the bottle more than a person who is cruel to animals. My own darling Kim Fung is fast approaching being the oldest living dog, she is about to turn 25 in April but some other dog in the Australian outback is like 28...but I hear they only feed it beans and veggies...if I gave that to Kim Fung she'd stink up my whole apartment. I've kept her on a diet of McDonald's french fries and yogurt for years...she's healthy as a horse well she's almost completely bald and has a bit of a yeast issue but who doesn't? yikes.....

Any who, what makes me most annoyed by Michael Vic is that he's too stupid to realize what he did is wrong. In his pathetic statement probably written by Whoopie Goldberg he obviously only had remorse that he got caught. I really have nothing witty to say about this because Dog fighting is the most idiotic "sport" followed closely by cock fighting, horse racing and dog racing. I think we should start throwing harnesses and saddles on broads wearing big hats and sipping on mint juleps and have them run the Kentucky derby while the horses relax and bet on the ugliest hat...really...

Michael Vic's a prick and though I know he is only a face to this horrible sport we should not forget this and help the animals when we can....

#2. ELLEN DeGeneres

Yes, that's right, every one's precious Ellen who I actually consulted with for many a year ago when I thought she was a Lesbian. I was actually on Betty DeGeneres's payroll and helped Betty feed information to Ellen about what to wear and how to be lesbian being Bi and all..I also gave Ellen dancing tips for her TV specials which led to her dancing on her talk show which I was totally against but she did it and it is as annoying as it can get.

Anyway I am convinced that Ellen's lesbianism was all a ratings ploy to save her then sitcom Ellen for another season. Listen I know it's chic now to say that being Gay is only a part of who I am but MargOH! thinks that is a bunch of crap. We all know that everyone does other things like work, have tequila shooter's with their friends, go shopping, fill out e-harmony profiles, go to school, make pot brownies but if you're sucking cock or licking pussy in between doing all of the other parts then you're a big Homo, lesbo, BiSexual, Tranny and or Men who have sex with men and or women who have sex with women so deal with it and express your inner Lesbian everyone and Ellen...don't run away from it, (whatever happened to "We're here, we're quire get used to it"), for mid morning television ratings and Emmy's.... What really made me question Ellen's sexuality was her tearful plea about the "dog" situation. Lesbian's don't cry on television unless they are having babies, suffering from an illness or getting their mullet cut off.

Ellen is annoying to me because of her becoming a poster child for "I'm like everybody else" campaign which I believe is halting a lot of GLBT issues like Gay marriage and employment discrimination for Tranny's which i will get more into on my "Most annoying Gays" list.

All in All even though Betty DeGeneres and I are old drinking buddies I can't help but be annoyed by Ellen's constant thirst for acceptance by middle America and I'm even more annoyed that she's doing it by running back into the closet and sucking up to Tom, dick and harry...

I'm convinced Ellen is Straight or at best "A woman who has sex with a woman"(thanks to Larry Craig who gave the media a new term to throw around "Men who have sex with Men" and "Women who have sex with Women") and to MargoH! that is annoying as hell...She was a Fine Lesbian when it was appropriate for her afterall...

#1. The "Real" Housewives of Orange County and all of their children

Kids, I've never been more annoyed than by this gaggle of ghouls and their horrible husbands and ungrateful devil spawn.

Kids, believe me I'm not bitter...I've had fame and fortune and then lived on the street then back on my feet to where I am now and I'm one Happy lady. I actually was a housewife when I was married to me ex husband child star Rodney Allen Rippy and gave up working for a spell. The thing is I don't ever once remember expecting Rodney to pay for the upkeep of my sagging body. This show should be called The "Nightmare" Housewives of Orange County.

These Chicks really need to wake up and realize that life isn't all about consumption. I've seen a pen of pigs consume less in a day than these hags suck up in an hour of boring television. These gals really need to realize that there is nothing real about their lives or at the least coming to the point that they realize they are privileged white people.

Right off the bat you can tell through their children what they are all about. These kids are so unaware about real life that they think Canada is a foreign country.

Now to be fair kids some of these ladies have jobs and have had past career's but all of their jobs just happen to be about selling something. This gives them a chance to act like helpless knuckleheads and think the only way they can sell things is by having their tits flopping out...I think the the founding fathers would think this was progress but I don't, it's guess what? kids ....Annoying....

In the end if they are not sucking up all the resources in the world they are selling it...and the kids, oh, the kids.

I really don't know what any of their names are and it doesn't matter because they are just as clueless. I especially love the girls that lost their father and all of their friends are just sad for them because they are poor now. Then there is the twenty one year old Ryan (well I remember his name) that gets tattoo's instead of a job and I really considered putting him on the "gay" list cause I think it's only a matter of time before he drops that Bomb.

In the end kids this show and these women are really annoying with all of their self imposed drama and need to out do one another. Then there is the plastic surgery, bad wigs and bottle blond highlights and fake friendships to add to the flavor. There is nothing real about these woman besides the fact that they all came from the ape like the rest of us....

It's like the great Divine said as Edna Turnblad

"I watch that tramp and I'm embarrassed to be white" but in this case it's those tramps "The Real Housewives of Orange County"

Honorable mentions

1. John Travolta for his horrific portrayal of Edna Turnblad in "Hairspray". I could have done much better and I did as his body double, you think it was him spinning like it was MargOH! doing the dancing...

2. Ann Coulter who belongs on a list of her own somewhere far, far, far ,far away. She is more than annoying...........

3. Nicolas Cage and his teeth...

I'll be back kids with my most annoying Teen or young adult list and finally my most annoying gay list.

I feel so much better now after airing my grievances and look forward to starting off fresh in 2008 and ready for an annoying free year but something tells me that will last til January 2nd....

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, December 10, 2007

"Where Life Begins" Chapter 2 Session 2

Hey Kids,

I've sorted through what was left of the sessions I recorded with Hester and had my gay Fiance MAN-ee put them on paper for me. I am still going forward with my auto-biography even though Hester was up to no good. It made me realize even more how important it is for me to tell my story. In the days of lack of talent and drive I think it is good for the young kids to know what it's like to struggle to be a star..don't ya think?

Hester Bones Crabtree- How was your swim?

MargOH!- Oh, delicious. You know Hester even though I left home at such a young age the sea is in my blood. I always feel my best when I'm near the water.

Hester Bones Crabtree- I feel the same way, I guess we're Maine girls at heart after all. Now we were just about to get to your leaving the hall and aunt Trudie

MargOH!- Oh, yes. I left the hall and wandered away from Sully and Rita. I could hear Rita say "Sully, Haddie's gone, where'd she go?". I'm not sure what Sully said in response but that was last I'd here there voices for quite a while, I feel sad about it now but at the time I just couldn't run any faster down 7th avenue I was banging into people and I fell a few times, I just ran and ran but then I almost came head on into a delivery truck and stopped dead in my tracks. I was so out of breathe that I lay on the sidewalk for a moment and looked up and couldn't believe that buildings went up that far, it looked amazing. It was then I realized that I was all alone with no where to go. I sifted through my jacket pockets and pants to find only two dollars and the bottle of jack I was holding for Sully. I thought "Haddie what in the hell are you going to do, where are you going to go?" Right at that very moment a Seagull landed right in front of me and stared deep into my eyes.

At first I thought "A Seagull on 7th ave?" but then it walked towards me and pecked me on the cheek oh so gently. It was like i was kissed by an angel because at that moment I heard the voice of my daddy salty say. "AAAArgggggh, don't forget you have your aunt Trudie that lives on Delancy Street". That's right, I thought my daddy salty told me he had a sister named Trudie that live on delancy street in NYC. He said she hated Sully and never came to visit. He also said she was a very eccentric woman who had been to prison on a morals charge.

So Hester I pulled myself up and that seagull jumped on my shoulder. It was like my guardian angel. I took a swig of that Jack to warm up my chill and set out to find Delancy Street. You know Hester that Bird stayed with me the whole time until I found the street and it pecked me again and flew off.

Hester Bones Crabtree- You know, MargoH! I bet it was your father, how touching.

MargOH!- yes, I believe it was salty looking out for me but I'd wish he'd stayed until I found her. I had to start asking people if they knew my Aunt Trudie. I was getting nowhere. So i did what any twelve year old girl would do or at least what Sully would do and I hiked up my skirt and got slutty or what I call "Sullying it up". I had everyone coming up to me in no time. Finally an old gal yelled out "Yeah Trudie owns the pub down the way, you know the one with the back room for the peppermint patties, if you know what I mean kid and she cupped my breasts. I didn't know exactly what she was talking about so I pushed her out of the way and ran down to the pub and ran inside and screamed out "Aunt Trudie"

Hester Bones Crabtree- You must have been relieved to find her, how exciting!

MargOH!- Well, Aunt Trudie wasn't the warmest person upon meeting me. She yelled out from behind the bar" Yeah, I'm Trude who in the hell are you?". She made her way from behind the bar. She looked nothing like my father, he was very thin but Aunt Trudie was a sturdy woman with big broad shoulders and tree trunk legs. She had several tattoo's and a broken front tooth. Then she gave me the once over twice, I started to tremble a bit. Then she said " Oh, wait a minute you gotta be my brothers kid, unfortunately you got your mother eyes but an awfully nice set of tits for a girl your age, what your name again, she added.

"It's Haddie, well Haddock but Haddie for short", I said. Trudie then responded " You're mother is a complete ass and cruel to have named you after stinky fish, she laughed a very hearty laugh for several minutes". I wasn't quite sure what to do then her face got stern again and she said " You runaway from home, Kid?". I answered " Yes". Trudie then said "well if you're gonna stay here you gotta work and you gotta change that name of yours then she opened up her big meaty Arms and said "Welcome to MargOH!'s kid", and i fell into her arms. Then she pulled me away and said "I'll just call you MargOH!, that's the name MargoH!, you can be like the pub mascot" she said.

Then she led me into the backroom and yelled out "Listen up all you dyke's butch and fem alike this is my niece MargOH! and she's gonna be staying with me for a while so keep your paws off her unless I say it's ok". I trembled and took a deep breath and realized the room had a faint smell of stale beer and pickled herring and I slumped my shoulders and said to myself "Yuk, just like Home".

Hester Bones Crabtree- So it seemed like you went from one unpleasant situation to another MargOH!

MargOH!- Well, I mean in a way. Aunt Trudie was very different from Sully, she wasn't as demanding or as mean but she'd slap you around if you got outta line, she never did with me, I actually think she loved me and after I told her salty wasn't my real daddy and that we weren't really related she really loved me if you know what I mean Hester.

Hester Bones Crabtree- Oh, dear. I think I get it, Oh dear!

MargoH! -The other thing about Aunt Trudie was that she was a performer in every way. You wouldn't know it by looking at her but she had a certain musical flare that was very exciting and her piano guy Morty was great, very similar to my piano guy Jarad. He had a way of playing for Aunt Trudie that made her sound pretty good. That night when I arrived she sang "Big Spender", it was fantastic, she growled through that song, it was her best number, well I mean she was that song, she lived that song. It was Aunt Trudie that really molded me and I was and am grateful to her. She made me tough and in this business kid that's what you gotta be tough.

Oh, dear I spilled my champagne, would you get me another Hester darling.

Hester Bones Crabtree- Oh, of course MargoH! Aunt Trudie is so fascinating, You obviously loved her, tell me more, here you go.

MargoH!- actually Hester I'm getting a little tired and the sun is too hot. Can we continue later.

Hester Bones Crabtree- Oh, yes of course but I'd like to get to your time in Bangkok as soon as possible.

MargoH!- Oh, really? Well we have a bit to go before that? Really, it wasn't my favorite time but we'll get to it,go chill another bottle of champers Hester.

Kids, I'll be back with more of my story and my year end lists...

Kisses, MargOH!

Sunday, December 09, 2007


Hey Kids,

I post this every year but I just love it so, It is a sad song but one of my holiday favorites....

kisses, M

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Joan Van Ark is blue

Hey Kids,

I was keeping this hush, hush but I attended Liz Taylor's return to the stage in A.R. Gurney's bittersweet play Love Letters. It was 2,500 a ticket so I raided Berna's Safe which she thinks I do not have the combination for but I do. She's been stockpiling union money from her job with Letterman...though she's been off due to the strike....She's in jersey, she only drops in to pick up clean panties..

Anyway I decided to call my old friend Joan Van Ark. I hadn't been to LA for a while and needed a place to stay. I did a couple of extra roles on Knot's landing, Joan and I became great friends. She would throw the most fabulous parties. She called them Joan's Ho-downs. One thing people probably do not know about Joan is that she can cook, she makes her own Hot dogs, sausages and the most amazing blueberry pie.

Joan was thrilled to hear from me and offered for me to stay at her place. I hadn't seen Joan in a long time so I was excited.

I got off the plane and Joan said she'd meet me at the baggage area. I got my bag but could not find Joan. I waited and waited until there was only myself and an Andy Warhol look alike waiting. I took off my sunglasses and then I heard someone yell out MargoH!. It was the Andy Warhol guy but Kids it was actually Joan. She ran over to me and hugged me. She said she didn't recognize me because i had lost weight. I told her I didn't notice her because she looked younger than ever. I of course was telling a fib. She looked terrible and actually quite frightening.

We hopped in her saturn vue, the green model. One thing I can say about Joan she is all for the environment. We chatted about the old days and I must have kept staring because Joan pulled over and demanded to know what I was staring at...She looked crazed. I said "Joan, I am staring at your face, really you look weird, almost plastic like and your lips are all blue". Joan replied " I have no idea what you are talking about, I've never had any work done, well just a little botox but everyone's doing that". I replied "Well what about the blue lips, did you accidentally get injected with anti-freeze or something". Joan replied " No silly, I've been making and eating my blueberry pies". We had a chuckle and kept driving.

We got to Joan's place and I couldn't believe my eyes when i saw blueberry pies everywhere. There had to be about 100 pies all over the kitchen. I asked if she was having a ho-down and she said no I eat blueberry pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner and she took her hand and grabbed some pie and shoved it in her mouth. Then she muttered how much she loved the show "Pushing daisies" and how she auditioned for Ellen Green's role but they told her she wasn't looking young enough. Then she slammed the pie against the wall. Hollywood can be so cruel. I made my way to my room and was thinking how happy I was that I was only staying the night.

I got dressed for the event and went back in the kitchen and Joan was there still eating pie with her hands and crying into her glass of wine. I really didn't know what to do so I decided to take the pie away, slam down the wine and clean her hands. I told Joan that she should go to my cosmetic reconstruction guy in Chinatown. I told her he did wonders for Farrah Fawcett. I gave her the card and she thanked me. I helped her get dressed and we were off. There was a lot of traffic and we were stuck so I told Joan I'd get out of the car and pass through the red carpet and wait for her. Really, I didn't want to walk down with her because I knew the paparazzi would be going mad about her face. I wasn't wrong, they snapped more shots of her blueberry pie face than poor Liz Taylor. Liz did look lovely even though she is in failing health and the performance was top notch.

Afterwards we went to a diner and I asked Joan why were stopping here and guess what. She wanted blueberry pie. Poor Joan, she really has been eaten up by the Hollywood machine....I told her years ago to do infomercials and call it a day but she insisted on doing Lifetime movies and look at her now. A blueberry pie eatin freak.

It's times like this that make me happy I decided to be an extra. I have no stress and look absolutely gorgeous....and compared to Joan I'm a goddess at 59....

Kisses, MargOH!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Berna's Deviled Egg Nightmare

Hey Kids,

I've been fielding calls from guests after my party telling me they have uncontrollable gastric problems. My possible PR gall Laura said she was asked to leave a cafe the day after for her farting overwhelmed the other patrons. I started to wonder if it was my crudite or my artichoke dip... Then i realized little Nellie Mckay hadn't complained and I know she doesn't eat live things so It must be Berna's deviled eggs.

I know Laura had eaten many of them and from her email message, she is still farting up a storm, poor thing. I know eggs usually can leave you a bit bloated but I'm sure Berna added something to it and I was right. She told me that she added three types of beans and flax seed to her receipe...who ever heard of such a thing. She said her mother would make this receipe when she was a little back up and it cleared her right out....

Well good for her but now my guests are having Deviled Egg Nightmares

It really is time for a new assistant, ya think...

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, December 03, 2007

December is Fun

Hey Kids,

I always get really excited this time of year because it is time for my 3rd annual "Most Annoying" lists. I will do my usual Top 5 lists of "Most Annoying Straights" and "Most Annoying Gays". This year I've also decided to do a special "Most Annoying Teen or Young adult" category as well.

I'm sure you are all aware as to why I added that last category but the final straw was when by accident I watched " The real housewives of Orange county". It really is one of the most horrible shows I've seen in a while and those gals should be ashamed of themselves....Listen I'm 59 but I'm a girl at heart but really I do not act or dress like i'm 20....very sad.....

Watch out for my lists kids...They are gonna be hot this year!!!

Kisses, MargOH!