Thursday, December 06, 2007

Joan Van Ark is blue

Hey Kids,

I was keeping this hush, hush but I attended Liz Taylor's return to the stage in A.R. Gurney's bittersweet play Love Letters. It was 2,500 a ticket so I raided Berna's Safe which she thinks I do not have the combination for but I do. She's been stockpiling union money from her job with Letterman...though she's been off due to the strike....She's in jersey, she only drops in to pick up clean panties..

Anyway I decided to call my old friend Joan Van Ark. I hadn't been to LA for a while and needed a place to stay. I did a couple of extra roles on Knot's landing, Joan and I became great friends. She would throw the most fabulous parties. She called them Joan's Ho-downs. One thing people probably do not know about Joan is that she can cook, she makes her own Hot dogs, sausages and the most amazing blueberry pie.

Joan was thrilled to hear from me and offered for me to stay at her place. I hadn't seen Joan in a long time so I was excited.

I got off the plane and Joan said she'd meet me at the baggage area. I got my bag but could not find Joan. I waited and waited until there was only myself and an Andy Warhol look alike waiting. I took off my sunglasses and then I heard someone yell out MargoH!. It was the Andy Warhol guy but Kids it was actually Joan. She ran over to me and hugged me. She said she didn't recognize me because i had lost weight. I told her I didn't notice her because she looked younger than ever. I of course was telling a fib. She looked terrible and actually quite frightening.

We hopped in her saturn vue, the green model. One thing I can say about Joan she is all for the environment. We chatted about the old days and I must have kept staring because Joan pulled over and demanded to know what I was staring at...She looked crazed. I said "Joan, I am staring at your face, really you look weird, almost plastic like and your lips are all blue". Joan replied " I have no idea what you are talking about, I've never had any work done, well just a little botox but everyone's doing that". I replied "Well what about the blue lips, did you accidentally get injected with anti-freeze or something". Joan replied " No silly, I've been making and eating my blueberry pies". We had a chuckle and kept driving.

We got to Joan's place and I couldn't believe my eyes when i saw blueberry pies everywhere. There had to be about 100 pies all over the kitchen. I asked if she was having a ho-down and she said no I eat blueberry pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner and she took her hand and grabbed some pie and shoved it in her mouth. Then she muttered how much she loved the show "Pushing daisies" and how she auditioned for Ellen Green's role but they told her she wasn't looking young enough. Then she slammed the pie against the wall. Hollywood can be so cruel. I made my way to my room and was thinking how happy I was that I was only staying the night.

I got dressed for the event and went back in the kitchen and Joan was there still eating pie with her hands and crying into her glass of wine. I really didn't know what to do so I decided to take the pie away, slam down the wine and clean her hands. I told Joan that she should go to my cosmetic reconstruction guy in Chinatown. I told her he did wonders for Farrah Fawcett. I gave her the card and she thanked me. I helped her get dressed and we were off. There was a lot of traffic and we were stuck so I told Joan I'd get out of the car and pass through the red carpet and wait for her. Really, I didn't want to walk down with her because I knew the paparazzi would be going mad about her face. I wasn't wrong, they snapped more shots of her blueberry pie face than poor Liz Taylor. Liz did look lovely even though she is in failing health and the performance was top notch.

Afterwards we went to a diner and I asked Joan why were stopping here and guess what. She wanted blueberry pie. Poor Joan, she really has been eaten up by the Hollywood machine....I told her years ago to do infomercials and call it a day but she insisted on doing Lifetime movies and look at her now. A blueberry pie eatin freak.

It's times like this that make me happy I decided to be an extra. I have no stress and look absolutely gorgeous....and compared to Joan I'm a goddess at 59....

Kisses, MargOH!


  1. Phoebs2:51 PM

    you are a goddess MargOH!, certainly not over the blueberry hill! Btw, have you seen Nicholas Cage's son recently?

    re. berna's devilled eggs, the plane certainly took a lot less time from ny to london, that's all i'm saying...

  2. Oh Phoeb's.

    I am gorgeous aren't are so smart...Yes, I'm off blueberry pie for good..poor joan.

    I will check him out, if he looks anything like his father, with chicklet teeth and all, I'm scared..

    Kisses, M

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