Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Mysterious Case of Phoebe and Duncs

Hey Kids,

Last week I had the pleasure of hosting some darling's from across the pond. Artist Phoebe Blatton and her beau Duncan, Duncs for short. Now of course I had to send some of the troops away to make room for our guests. I sent Aunt Fawn "Tastic" Channing to a Seniors figure skating retreat in Colorado and I'm happy to say she has been hired to stay on as the Social director for the rest of the season and its sponsored by Viagra, how fitting. I also sent Sully and Trudie to Alaska. It's been Sully's mission to bed Levi Johnston since his playgirl spread came out, so she's out on a hunt with a taser and tranquilizer gun.

That left Berna but she was working late nights at the Letterman show and I didn't think she'd be a problem. I was wrong, she was like an octopus with poor duncs, trying to stroke him anywhere and everywhere with her chubby little fingers.

Poor Phoebe was in a state over Berna, shooting her Mariah Carey glances with Tyra Banks attitude and I felt for the poor dear.

After all she had painted the most lovely portrait of my beloved Kim Fung and was trying to be gracious about the whole thing. Duncs was also so kind to supply me with a bottle of Hendricks Gin.

I'm sure most of you know what usually happens to MargOH! on gin, I get a bit frisky but the Hendricks didn't have the same effect, I just got drunk...very nice.

Kids, the second night they were staying with us we went out for a lovely meal in Williamsburg and they also asked us to go to a party with a western theme. Now, I thought about it and realized that neither Man-ee nor I had any western wear. I had thrown out my Annie Oakley costume many years ago and MAN-ee didn't take to the chaps I bought him and he made them into lovely leather place mats, he's so crafty. We decided not to go to the party after all and said goodbye to Phoebe and Duncs, little did I know that they would be missing for a day.

You see once they got to the party they were confronted with an angry mob of stylists who didn't like their choice of costume for the soiree and the friends that were supposed to meet them there hadn't arrived. Phoebe explained that they had just arrived from London and had little time to put anything together but she thought the plaid blouse she wore was sufficient and Duncs had on a poncho, what more could they want???

The problem was that these stylists were not only bitchy but hungry as well and had only nibbled on beer nuts and Beef Jerky so they were a bit berserk.

One of the stylists flew into a rage and told another to tie them up and put them in a room where they would have to learn the importance of western wear in America. The poor dears, for the next 24 hours they were made to watch stylist after stylist wearing western garb starting from an 1859 Indian tribal gown to a queen dressed as the cowboy from the village people. At least they were fed, maize, pit beef, extra spicy chicken wings and western fried oysters i.e. bulls balls...

Luckily we had walked them to the party before getting on the subway and after about mid morning I started to worry. I called berna and told her to gather up some of her union buddies to set out a search party for my guests. We headed over and I rang the bell with no answer so I had Berna scale the wall, which was not a pretty sight, she only had on her nightgown and uggs. She peered into the window and said she saw a bunch of wranglers laying around the floor but no Phoebe and Duncs, she shimmied over to another window and started knocking on the window. She then told me that the poor dears where hogtied back to back to a mechanical bull, OH! dear...

Berna scaled back down the wall and nearly became intimate with parking meter, "good lord don't you ever wear panties"? I asked. Thankfully Berna's union buddies arrived and we let them know the situation. My poor friends were being held captive by a gaggle of Urban Cowboy misfits. I told them to run to the hardware store for some rope and duct tape.

Luckily, this wasn't my first time at the Rodeo.

We slid into the building and made our way to the loft. I knocked on the door and we charged in. Wrong apartment, it was Ashley Olson's place, she was wearing Hobo wear not western wear. I explained what had happened and she was nice enough and lent me a safari hat and large sunglasses. Up to the next floor we went, knocked and this time charged into a hoe down. Berna rolled across the floor and knocked those stylists down like bowling pins and I lassoed about 15 of them in one try.

Berna kept rolling knocking down the door and up against the wall and she accidentally hit the mechanical bull switch. Phoebe and duncs were being tossed around like a salad. There was one more stylist trying to block the door and she threw a spur at me but I ducked it and Ashley Olson knocked her down so I could tie her up.

I managed to turn off the bull and free Phoebe and Duncs and called the po po. It was all a little bit to easy... good thing I've watched 9 to 5 so many times...I guess i'm officially a wrangler now.

We took Phoebe and Duncs back to our place and gave them tea and anything British I could find. I didn't let them out of my sight the rest of the trip, though I could never explain the reasoning to them behind why Americans take their theme parties so seriously...

The mysterious case of Phoebe and Duncs...

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, November 30, 2009

No Turkey for MargOH!

Hey kids,
Now I'm not usually one to complain but turkey day was a bit…tragic. Not that many of my Thanksgivings have been pure joy...but turkey day 2009 will go down in history as a mad mad day!

You have to understand that since I moved to Brooklyn it has become a little crowded. Just because I have 2 bedrooms, my extended family thinks that means they can crash whenever they like.

I mean I already have my mother Sully, well should I say my first mother, she's actually not my mother after all but she's been around so long I call her Mommy too –or rather Mommy 2. Then there is my real mother, Mommy Trudie, who I originally thought was my Aunt Trudie and who I believed dead but really was alive. She shares a room with Mommy 2.

I also have my Aunt Fawn "tastic" Channing coming and going and crashing (sometimes literally – more on that later) on the couch. Then there is my daughter Stoli, well she isn’t actually my daughter (that's a whole other mess of a story) but for some reason she keeps showing up, poor thing. And lastly, no news to the regular followers of my life, I am forced to bear the cross of my wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge occupying the walk in closet, stretching out my hosiery to store her disturbing collection of knick knacks and bric-a-brac. My own little Flower in the Attic. Of Course my gay fiance Man-ee Champagne is fluttering around cleaning up and doing mash ups of Dusty Springfield and Lady Gaga, now doesn't that just sing thanksgiving boys and girls..

Are you with me kids? This was the base Thanksgiving dinner guest list. My Aunt Fawn, Sully/Mommy 2, my Aunt Trudie/Mommy Trudie, my wardrobe mistress Berna, Man-ee the gay fiance and my ex-daughter Stoli.

And because obviously I am sadistic, I also invited some pals - actress Polly Holiday, you know "Kiss my grits!" from Alice, my former neighbor actress Linda Hunt, Mickey and Jan Rooney and Mickey's new BFF, Justin Beiber and his mother. Truth be told it was Stoli who invited Justin, its her new crush and she somehow managed to get a job as his personal assistant. Such a resourceful girl that one!

Any who, I wanted to order up everything from Fresh Direct but Sully insisted on cooking from scratch. “Not to worry” she said “Trudie and I will take care of everything!”

I grabbed my mimosa and headed to the boudoir to do my face. All of a sudden I hear all of these gunshots and thuds against the house. I ran to the window and saw 3 ducks on the ground, ducks in Brooklyn?! Then I ran into the living room and Sully's standing there, shotgun resting on her leg and triumphantly cackles "We're having turducken!".

I tell her she's out of her mind. I remember screaming out that I was a member of PETA and that turducken was out of the question when Trudie follows in with a live turkey. "Oh god" I howled "Give me that poor Turkey! If we have turkey it should be frozen” and he gobbled in such a forlorn fashion to that statement that I had to add “No! forget it. We'll have fish!”

I sent Stoli off to the store for some salmon and I took the turkey, which I named Tex, into my boudoir. Luckily I had some bird food left over from a nightmare relationship with a bird named Lucy.

I invited everyone over for cocktails at 2 and then dinner at 4. At 10 am Linda Hunt is knocking on the door! Well she knocked but Berna said no one was there – I’m afraid she's a bit short... well anyway she shimmied up the fire escape and scared the daylights outta me when she popped her head in the window whilst I was still getting ready so I sent her to the store to get cheese and crackers and a big pepperoni log.

Mickey and Jan came next, also early, Jan made the potatoes - some sort of casserole. Of course the potato's had a blow torched picture of Mickey and Judy on it and “Judy was my Sister” written on the bottom in paprika. Jan looked upset "I smell fish”, she said. I was so insulted I was about to slap her until she finished her thought “Are we having fish? No turkey??? I would have made a turkey!"

I told Jan that we were having fillet De salmon because I simply could not kill Tex nor the poor ducks. Polly Holiday had just walked in with more of them. "Hey ya'll is it raining ducks in Brooklyn?! Hot damn!"

Sully grabbed them and starting saying "I'm a damn good shot, c'mon Maggie let me cook em!".

"No way Mommy 2! Absolutely not! Stop waving those ducks around!”

By now my horribly behaved friends and family had me in a state – my poor delicate head was throbbing. Before I knew what hit me (probably my third vodka and tonic) I screamed out “Polly get to it and set the table, use that Alice experience and make it pretty. Jan get to work on those crescent rolls! And Mickey for god’s sake put a lid on it! I'm having a drink!".

Already I was exhausted when my Aunt Fawn arrived with her figure skating coach Dixie. But at least she brought some good news for the day – she decided to enter the over-70's nationals rather than her original goal of competing at senior nationals though I must say she can still do a hell of a double axle and triple toe loop at 73. She brought her music and started showing everyone her routine to 'Fire bird" until she tripped over poor Linda and landed right on Tex.

Jan jumped up, "Guess we are having turkey, I'll pluck it, stuff it and cook it"
I dropped to the sofa and threw my hands up and yelled "No Turkey for MargOH!". That's when Justin arrived and I said "but i wouldn't mind a little chicken"....Gotta love the holidays...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Happy Holidays

Hey Kids,

I've been a horrible blogger but times have been tough. As you know I lost my beloved pooch Kim fung and it sent me into a minor and sometimes major depression but I know you gotta shake the old dust off and live on or in my case drink on...

Thats what I plan to do and kids I've got a lot of stuff coming up, new show, performances for my darlings of Sugar shack Burlesque and the fabulous Incredible Edible Akynos. MargOH! will also be blogging again on a weekly basis to get the old thoughts out for the new show "What makes a legend drink more" and kids this show is going to be a tour de MargOH!, singing, dancing, joking and tragedy...well it wouldn't be MargoH! without a little tragedy...

I'll be back tomorrow to update you on my thanksgiving crazy. Berna, my wardrobe mistress was up to no good and she nearly ruined the old bird...

Til tomorrow kids!!


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Fun at the US Open

Hey Kids,

I'm a huge tennis fan! Yes, a tennis fan and I even like to play, I love the way my tennis skirt ripples in the wind and makes me keep up on my bikini wax.

Any who, the other night we went to See Raaaffaaaa play and it was a celebrity fuck fest. I always dish out a little to Tony Bennett to sit in his box and honey I ain't talking about money...

Tony is a gem and he's still got it! Well about half way through the match the camera flashed on Michael Phelps and i had to say hi so I excused myself from Tony's box and made a quick step over to Michael's suite.

Well, I stopped for a Coney Island Foot long with Kraut, a girls gotta eat!

I knocked on the door and to my surprise he opened the door and opened his arms with Glee..."Auntie MargOH! I didn't know you'd be here, let's party, wanna smoke?" Michael said.

You see Michael's mother and I Debbie Sue go back a long time, she keeps this quiet but we did a few films together of the adult nature, I think they were called "Do you know the way to San Pusse' 1 and 2 or something...

They were only sold in Mexico...

I pushed my way in and couldn't believe my eyes, girls half naked, I was for sure he swung the other way..

Whatever the case there wasn't much tennis watching going on so I grabbed a drink and told Michael to keep it down about the weed so we could have it for ourselves.

We popped into his limo and smoked a little, it was good stuff!

Then things started getting crazy, he started rubbing my leg and telling me he always wanted Auntie MargOH!

Then he switched on "Buttons" by Pussycat Dolls and started undressing.

I tried to stop him but then I started feeling the effects of the weed and thought, Oh, what the hell, lets see what he's got!

Kids, what he's lacking for looks he makes up for down town, but then the vision of Debbie Sue taking it in both ends popped into my head and I snapped out of it and pushed him away and said "Auntie MargOH! don't play that".

I told him with a cock like that he should find a nice boy. I buttoned up my blouse and started getting out when he said "Auntie MargOH! I love you". I replied, "I Love you to,do you have $100 bucks?", I need a souvenir signature US open drink and they ain't cheap" and the doll handed me a few hundred...

The other part of this story is who I went with and that was with my wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge. I heard from Tony later that she went up to the ESPN booth and started hassling poor Pam Shriver.

I guess they got into quite a brawl. Berna told me when she got home the next day that she spent the night in hospital. She said she barked up the wrong tree or should I say amazon. Pam is about 6'3 and towered over poor Berna who is only 5'11 and 3 bucks...

I guess Pam punched her and sent her tumbling down onto a group of children with big autograph balls, thank goodness...

Don't go messing with Pam Shriver Kids...Tennis can be dangerous!!!

XO, MargOH!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Me and Teddy

Hey Kids,

It's been too long since my last confession and I promise to start the blog up again. I've been so busy with the premieres of "Taking Woodstock" in which I played Hippie Chick # 66. We had such a blast making the movie and what a coincidence that myself and the gang moved to Brooklyn and now live in the same building as Pippa Pearthree who has a role in the film. She is lovely!

Anyway, the reason why I had to blog today was because of the death of Ted Kennedy. He will be missed by his supporters, Washington, family and Haxton's liquor store. I will miss the big bear as well and with fond memories of the night we spent together.

It was 1977 and I was a young girl trying to make it in the biz and I had auditioned for a role in the touring company of "A Chorus Line". They gave me a shot and was sent to Boston to give it a whirl. It was exhilarating, my first show! When I arrived at the theatre and put on my costume it was a bit snug (they thought i was a size 2 but I was actually a size 12). I managed to squeeze into it after throwing up six times and then it was show time! When I got in line, the music swelled and so did my ankle (they thought i was a size 6 shoe but i was a size 13). I think I lied a little during my audition, well I really didn't audition, I slept with one of the producers, a girls gotta do what she's gotta do...

I got out on that stage and starting doing those kicks and hit the floor so hard I knocked myself out. My debut was over faster than the producer who did me in his limo..what a tragedy.

So I left the theatre and did what any gal would do...got drunk! I stopped in a bar called Charlie's and was doing boiler makers when all of a sudden a dozen men in suits all piled in and surrounded me at the bar. Then I heard from behind me a man whisper in my ear, "Hiya toots, can I buy you a drink?"

Well of course I said yes and then I swung around in the stool and before my eyes was one of the biggest faces I'd ever seen! A Kennedy! Ted Kennedy. Listen, the Kennedy's may be American royalty but you have to admit they do bear a slight resemblance to a pack of Clydesdales. But I digress...

Well of course he moved in on me quickly realizing I was a little tipsy and asked what a pretty dame like me was doing all alone. I dusted the beer nut droppings off my lap and they landed on his shoes and I said "Well I'm not here to crack nuts with a Kennedy". I went to grab his balls with my hand but he grabbed my wrist and pushed it away. I must admit his forcefulness made me hot but I kept my cool.

"A firecracker, that's the way i like em".

"Listen, Teddy I'm here to drown my sorrows, not find a man", I replied.

Then one of his suits whispered in his ear and they all chuckled a bit. "You are the gal who hit the floor in Chorus Line" Teddy said.

"My shoes were too small", I said then I looked at my watch and said, "Its only intermission, shouldn't you still be at the show?"

Teddy replied, "We left Joan there, theatre's not my thing. Why'd ya leave? That was the best part of the show!"

"Do you think Joan would approve of you coming on to a gorgeous young girl?", I said batting my eyelashes

"Why? Is there a gorgeous young girl here?" Teddy quipped.

My mouth opened in disbelief and then we both started laughing. "Joan's drunk again." and with a seductive whinny he added "Hey you gorgeous little thing, you wanna come back to my suite?"

My first thought was no thanks Mr. Ed but then i realized I couldn't show my face back at the casts' hotel so I thought, eh, I don't care. What a night! Boy am I glad I decided to ride that Lippizzaner home!

What happened next is between Teddy, myself and Joan, yes Joan. Let me just say this the carpet did not match the drapes in that suite...

Thanks for the memories Teddy!!

XO, MargOH!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Its raining, its Pouring

Hey Kids,

I gotta tell you that life lately has been a chore..My darling pooch Kim Fung had been battling mouth cancer and passed away last week. It has been a terrible loss for old MargOH! and MAN-ee is torn up as well. Kim Fung was more than just a plain old dog, she was colorful and smart as a whip. She could actually help old MargOH! put on her stockings or pull her to a pillow when she had a bit too much. Kim Fung also loved a bit of the drink, she loved champagne, luckily having four legs made it easier on the old girl to navigate around, she could hold her booze.

She also loved a Golden Retriever, she'd get all sassy and sly when any of those studs passed by...and even wrangled me a few flings with the owners..we were a team I guess and I'll miss her sense of adventure and whimsy. It wasn't all fun and games and Miss Fung had a temper and tore up a few of my costumes, she disliked Judy Garland and Liza minnelli music, she much preferred Jazz or something quiet.like a lovely Eartha Kitt... Her Favorite movie was "Chicken Run"...she just loved the clucking...

She was in two of my tv shows, she had great comic timing and took direction well, a real pro..Though trying to put make-up on her was a chore, she hated eye-liner but didn't shy away from a little concealer...

I loved that gal and she was my pal. I have a huge gap in my heart and mind at the moment. We haven't had the heart to move anything, her blanket still sits on the bed, her water/champers bowl still in its place, her collar and lead still waiting for a walk.

Life will never be the same, 14.5 years of love gone in an instant, Oh..but the memories...

Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were

Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we?

Mem’ries, may be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it’s the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...

The way we were...
The way we were...

Monday, June 15, 2009

Coney Island Dreams

Hey Kids,

When i was a little girl my mother told me that I would one day perform at the Coney Island Freak show....of course this was meant to be a way of being mean to me. Sully always told me I was a bit hairy for a girl of my age and was on my way to being a bearded lady...

Guess what kids, I will be performing at the Coney island Freakshow and museum next week..but of course it is not as a bearded lady but as a fish goddess....It's very exciting and when I told Sully, my now aunt and ex mother she said she told me so and added in to make sure I got a waxing as not to be too hairy...what a hag.

Kids if you are in NY and want to see MargOH! strut her fish...please come to Coney Island...

XO, MargOH!

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Settled in

Hey Kids,

It's been a wild time the past few weeks. First we were suppose to move to the bronx but once the landlord found out Berna was Union he turned us down. I even had my former aunt, now mother Trudie to flash him her tits but he wasn't going for it, I'm gonna get a lawyer for sure...

So we had to find a place quick and settled on a lovely flat in Brooklyn, a section called Carroll gardens. it has rooms for days and a closet for Berna, just perfect. It happens that and old friend of my ex mother, now aunt Sully's from Maine Mary Crabclaws owns the building. This is the first time in a while that sully has done me a favor the panned out....amazing. Though Sully did tell me she plans on heading back to Alaska for the summer to visit her friends at the Fishmongers retirement home. This just leaves me with Aunt Fawn and Trudie to house. Aunt Fawn just got back from her consulting gig for the Ice castles remake that I landed her and then she's returning to her job at Chelsea Piers sharpening skates.

Trudie keeps telling me that we should re-open MargOH!'s on delancy street. I don't know, running a business is so much work, especially a bar with a back room for lesbians. Though the lesbians these days are not as rough and tumble as back in the 60's it still would be a challenge.....but the nostalgia of it is keeping the idea in my thoughts. Who would have thought my former Aunt trudie, now mother, would come back into my life and bring back a flood of memories so dear and tragic.

Kisses, MargOH!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Berna's Back in town and Angie

Hey kids,

I was getting ready to go see Blithe Spirit last night and just as I was leaving Berna busted through the door with bags of smokey bacon crisps. She said she cleaned London out of them. Good for her...I guess. The house smells like a smokehouse though. When i got home Berna was on the floor in a smokey bacon crisp haze.

Any who, the show was so much fun and I went to see Angie Lansbury backstage along with Christine and Rupert afterwards. They are all so fun and Angie is just crazy, she swears like a sailor.I did a few extra roles on Murder she wrote and that's when I found out that Angie was like Fuck this and Fuck that but her favorite curse phrase is "screw you, pig fucker". She often said that while driving me home from the set, what a laugh.

last night Angie said she was a little aggravated by some old turds that were eating crackers and cheese in the front row. she said she wanted to Lupone their asses but she held her tongue because they were "oldsters". That's funny coming from her because she's 84 I think but you wouldn't know it. We ended up going for a freshener at "Molly's". Angie said, c'mon old girl lets go somewhere quiet so Molly's is always a good bet. We had 2 shots of bourbon each and a bottle of wine. I can't disclose much of our conversation because she was firing on all cylinders about everybody and not all good...but I think she said "Screw that pig fucker" 20 times.

If you have a chance go see Blithe Spirit, Angie steals the show, it's a fun show, very old school!!

XO, MargOH!

Monday, May 11, 2009

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade?

Hey Kids,

I know there is that term "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade"! What a crock of shit, maybe i'd make a lemonade and vodka but that isn't that great.

In my life I've been handed plenty of Lemon's, like the three worst parents in history, and ungrateful sister, a horrible marraige, a short lived career as a Russ Myer girl, hot sex with Neil Sedaka (twice), a tragic wardrobe mistress, the list goes on and on. I've overcome a lot of these hardships and usually come out on top or at least drunk...

In the past few months though I have felt a shift to not quite making it through all the bullshit, a bit overwhelmed or should I say underwhelmed by my life or those around it. I think it is because MargOH! is too nice. MAN-ee, my gay fiance has said this in a few different ways to me and its starting to stick. I think I've come to expect too much from the american people.

I have plenty of friends around the world that are much more respectful of what is "MargOH!" and what "MargOH!" is...

Do I have to become a raging lunatic bitch in order to get what I want here in New York? I think I may and I hate that prospect. I've always tried my best to be nice to others who are involved in my ventures or future one's and all MargoH! gets is a big kick in the ass most of the time...or even worse nothing. There is nothing worse than putting your work or yourself out there for others to judge or embrace and getting no reaction at all.

Over the years I have worked with so many wonderful people and have had lots of fun. I've danced with heads of state and even given a few of them head but never have I been treated so poorly as I have of late by people I have reached out to with a kind word.

I'm sorry but if you send a note after meeting someone and say "it was so lovely to meet you and thank you for taking the time to chat", I don't care how famous you think you are, you could reply even with a thank you, goodness.

If you send out calls for submissions for anything and you recieve submissions, the submitter would expect to hear something back whether it is a positive or negative response but not here in New York.

I guess that is too much to expect?

The one thing my first mother Sully told me that made any sense was. "If someone tells you no, don't ask why, just do it and worry about it later".

I've been told no a lot in my life but I always do it anyway.......kind of like Fuck you and have a nice day.

If more people would say Yes then MargOH! would be making them lemonade but alas they'll get lemons.

Kisses, MargOH!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

RuPaul's Drag race

Hey Kids,

My mother Sully signed me up for Rupaul's Drag Race. She's always thought I was a man trapped in a woman's body...and that I wear too much make up....

Go vote for MargOH!


Friday, May 01, 2009

Berna's a Shop lifter

Hey Kids,

I could not believe it when I got a call this morning from Susan Boyle asking me
for money to bail Berna out of a London police station for petty theft and to ship her back to the US. She can't afford the bad publicity she says...

Isn't this rich? Berna takes off on me for the new big thing and gets caught stealing
a case of face hair removal cream for Ms. Boyle...Then I'm asked to clean up the mess. I knew berna had sticky fingers over the years but honestly stealing from a pound shop is a bit sad really.

I say let her sit in the slammer for a few days, don't ya think? Susan said she thought I was terrible for paying Berna $25 a week since 1968 and because of me she is forced to steal and hung up on me.

How did I become the bad person???? I told Susan that beyond the money I give Berna she eats and drinks a lot for free. I even paid for her gastric bypass surgery....what more does a wardrobe mistress and light duster expect...look at what happened to poor Liza after paying $250k a year to a chauffer, nothing but heartache...It's not like I ask Berna to have sex too...what a revolting thought...

You know when berna gets back she is getting a pay cut...that'll teach her...

Kisses, MargOH!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Ice castles and Susan Boyle

Hey kids,

I'm on my way to Idaho to shoot some scenes for the remake of "Ice castles". I'm playing Zamboni Lady #1, but I do have a line "Get the fuck off the ice you twat" but I think this is what makes the poor skater hit the ice and go blind, yikes. I don't think that was in the original film, they've updated the script.....I was in the first Ice Castles and played Party Gal # 6, funny that scene also was in the context of the skater hitting the ice and going blind, you can catch me admiring the ice sculpture and drinking champagne in the first one...This is a quick shoot and I'll be back in NY Sunday.

The next thing happening right now is that wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge has left me high and dry again. We are in the midst of packing to move and she announces that she is moving to the UK and that Susan Boyle has hired her as her assistant and style coach. I'm not sure how she wrangled up this gig but she told me Simon Cowell is flipping the bill to get her into shape for the competition. To tell you the truth I think Shirley Bassey got in Cowell's ear about Berna because of all the errands she'd do for Shirley when she was living next door. The truth is Berna doesn't do crap but drink and party with her friends, once in a while she'll iron my costumes or dust a bit. She says the $25 I pay her a week isn't fair but who's paying the rent for her big ass to do nothing...I don't think she gets it...

No worries because once Susan and Simon realize that she is a slacker they'll kick her out and poor Susan will still look a mess. If you saw the new pictures of Susan's hair and jacket, that was Berna. Berna said she told her to get a "LuLu" hairdo and woody Allen glasses....good lord!

You just can't find good help any day

XO, MargOH!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

MargOH!s being held by Pirates

Hey Kids,

So I come home today and Berna and Linda Hunt ambushed me as I came in the door. They are dressed in Johnny depp style pirate outfits. They have informed me that they are having a pirate themed party and are demanding cash from me. They broke into the liquor cabinet at noon and have gone through 2 bottles of rum and my Swedish schnapps...

They had me tied up for about 5 minutes because I gave em my money and said a pirate party it is. i haven't dragged out my peasant skirts and Stevie Nicks lace in years. I couldn't resist Linda, she looked so cute with the eye patch. Barna has invited all of her union buddies so i called Polly Holiday, Nellie Mckay, Jimmy Fallon but he said she was staying in to watch "Grey Gardens", what a mo....I also called Mary Tyler Moore to try and come down , she's in town promoting her book,but she said she didn't have any pirate wear but then said to call Valerie Harper because she was in town and always traveled with scarves and small knives, she's coming. The cast of "Rock of ages" is coming, Berna's been working that show as a stage hand, heavy metal and pirates just go together don't ya think....

It should be a fun little quick pirate party, gotta run and rent a parrot for the night....see ya at the party kids....


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Fun Moment

Hey Kids,

This is a fun moment from Britain's Got Talent. Susan Boyle rips it to a stunned crowd, this is an inspirational video for sure....good for her!!

kisses, M

Saturday, April 11, 2009

MargOH!'s on Twitter now

Hey Kids,

MargOH! is now on Twitter. Check it out kids

XO, MargOH!


Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Kicked out

Hey kids,

Can you believe poor little Wanda Lee was disqualified from the "Little Miss Perfect" pageant because her "Wow" number was too sexually charged....

It was a little hectic in between interview and we were rushing and she forgot to put her panties on and when she did that running split jump she gave everyone a smiley face...

I don't know what the big deal is...you seen one clam you've seen em all plus another girl did a dance routine to "Push it" with pull away balloon pants, now that is a real crime....

i guess my pageant coaching days are over already....well maybe i could coach someone in the Miss LES pageant, thats more my speed...

kisses, MargOH!

Friday, April 03, 2009

MargOH! in Hospital

hey kids,

Well being a "Little Miss Perfect" pageant coach isn't as easy as I thought. I was showing Wanda my idea's for her dance number for "Wow" wear and i got carried away and did a running split jump. I did it all the time when I was showing my girls some erotic moves back in the day but I have to remember I'm 60 now and things crack a little easier.

I'm fine, I just bruised my inner thighs and pulled quite a few muscles, nothing a martini and a pain killer can't handle. The most important thing is that little Wanda can do the running split jump, she can really move for a chunky gal. We are almost done with all of her moves and the pageant is next week.

Florida is a strange place, they serve McDonald's in the hospital i'm staying in....

kisses, MargOH!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Little Miss Perfect

Hey kids,

I don't know if any of you have been watching the show "Little Miss Perfect" , a reality show that follows those little girl pageants hosted by Michael Galanes. It is a train wreck....and he is the conductor, what a hoot he is.....check it out!

Anyway, the other day I got a call out of the blue from a childhood friend Lulu Babcock. She was "Little Miss Lobster Tail" the year before I won at the Maine Lobster fest..I'm still the reigning "Little Miss Lobster tail", they never had the pageant again after the mayor was caught grabbing the tails of many of the contestants including me but I had a nut cracker in my purse for the lobster claw cracking contest so I took care of things on my own..if you get my drift.

Well Lulu called me and told me that her granddaughter Wanda Lee Sissy Jean Plumpkin was entered into one of the "Little Miss Perfect" pageants in Florida. Poor Lulu has had a rough time of it and is living in a manufactured home in Orange Blossom Florida. She asked me if I'd consider coaching little Wanda Lee, she's 13 with double d's Lulu added and mentioned that they wanted to do a Dolly parton number for the "Wow" wear portion of the show and seeing how I ran a bordello in the past thought I'd be perfect to help Wanda with her "Best little whore house in Texas" number. I was a little hesitant at first but after she told me what she was willing to pay, I said yes. I'm packing and leaving tonight.

I feel a little weird still about the money thing, Lulu is paying me 3,000 plus expenses and when I asked her how much the girls got for winning she said 1,000....but she said its not about the money but getting Wanda Lee and her knockers some airtime on WeTV. She said her dream was for Wanda Lee to follow in the footsteps of Anna Nicole Smith.....

We all have to have a goal....

Kisses, MargOH!

Monday, March 23, 2009

MargOH!'s movin

Hey kids,

Goodness, after a long search and a few sexual acts MargOH! and the gang are moving to a luxury building in the Bronx, yes the Bronx, a nice section of the Bronx. It has 3 bedrooms and a jacuzzi tub...It actually also has 2 bathrooms so the Jacuzzi tub is all MargOH!'s. MargOH!'s Manhattan lifestyle has ended and I gotta tell you what a relief it is. My one bedroom just wasn't cutting it any longer and to be honest to see my wardrobe mistress Berna sleeping in the closet was a bit sad...the poor thing. Plus, don't forget my Aunt Fawn and my two moms have been with me Trudie and Sully...I know, I know and you are right my mother Sully has tried making a few bucks off the plane landing on the Hudson and granted 3 interviews but when she started talking about how she cut herself on a tuna can the gig was up..

Anyway we are moving in May and that'll be fun, of course our neighbor Linda Hunt has offered to help us so I'll make sure I save all the heavy lifting for her, she is really strong. She pinned me down after tried to take a sip of her margarita the other night at happy hour..

One good thing was that my Aunt Fawn got a job as a practice skater for 'Stars on ice" so she will be assisting Scott Hamilton in getting that Tara Lipinski back in shape...she been off the ice for a while and Fawn's large carriage instills fear in her subjects so she'll do fine, I mean her time spent in Minnesota teaching all those pregnant teens how to skate really payed off...

I have my two moms and her bunking all in the same room because I needed one room for my costumes and make-up. Berna will be in that room as well, oh dear it really is another closet for old Berna but it will have a bed in it.....

OK, kids gotta run to pick out drapes....

kisses, MargOH!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

MargOH! gets back to her roots

hey kids,

The past few weeks have been a blast and I performed in some great shows. I did a Golden Girls tribute show and a gender bending burlesque show "Hypergender Burlesque"
Here are some photo's from the shows..

kisses, MargOH!

Friday, February 20, 2009

MargOH! made the Village Voice

Hey kids,

Well it took me a while but after 27 years I've made the Village Voice again but this time for being a performer, not performing sexual acts on neil sedaka. I'm part of a show presented by Victoria "A Tribute to the Golden Girls 2". It has been chosen as a Voice Choice...

This is no small feat for an artist in this city especially a gal of 61...

I don't usually toot my own horn but what the hell..break out the booze!!

XO, MargOH!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Getting away

Hey kids,

MargOH! is getting out of dodge..The city has me in a slump, not to mention all the hags living in my house..They are driving me crazy!!

I booked Berna and I a spa weekend in Newport..I know, I know, newport in winter...but Mamma's on a budget, the work has dried up a bit but I have been booked for 2 live shows coming up and also 2 extra jobs in the spring...

Honestly, I was a little upset after going to see "He's just not that into you" because they cut my scene. I was in one of those scenes where the real people talk about relationships, my segment was "If your new girlfriend ends up being a guy". It was unscripted and I thought my observations were hilarious, like, "Its not that big of a deal, just hold onto the shaft when you are riding the caboose" and "Sometimes you can't have a cupcake and have to settle for hard candy". I called the director and he said my statements were a little harsh but he might put them into the dvd extra's. I of course think its a no brainer, I was talking about gals that have that little something extra...

Well, I'm off. Berna is picking up the rental as we speak, I know, I know. I had to let my car service go, it's sad but like Sully said and no i'm not talking about Sully who landed in the hudson to get a book deal, I'm talking about my mother Sully who said sometimes you have to pass the shrimp cocktail and get canned salmon for a while....

XO, MargOH!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Doing time on east 23rd street

Hey Kids,

Where do I begin...I'm going crazy with my living arrangement and fear I may have to move to the suburbs. I need more space before I kill one of my family members.

Though things have gotten a little easier because I got my ex-mother Sully who is now my Aunt, My mother Trudie and my Aunt Fawn Jobs on rotating shifts. Sully got a job at the fish market across the street and works 10-7. Trudie got a bartending job at McSwiggans working 3-11 and sometimes til 4am depending on how she is feeling and Aunt Fawn is working at chelsea peirs sharpening skates from 11-7. Linda hunt thought it was cruel that I made them all get jobs seeing their ages average 74 but please, oh boo hoo I said.

If they want to live in the big city they have to act like big girls not shriveled up versions of what they used to be. Please , Sully looks younger than me and since she started working she is back to buying and wearing mini skirts from american apparel. Aunt Fawn, has the legs of a young dancer and just strted taking hip hop dance lessons...you get my point...

So I've been having some down time but can't have any men over, if you know what i mean and I'm horny....

I started looking at houses in Yonkers....Oh dear!!


XO, MargOH!

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Writing in the New Year

Hey Kids,

I'm going to write 3 shows this year. That is my goal anyway. I also want to do a charity show for chrsitmas this year and get some big names involved, that would be fun.."A very MargOH! Christmas".

I'm also going to write one for MAN-ee and me...Oh by the way MAN-ee had to move in next door with Linda Hunt due to all of the people staying here. Linda was so kind to take him in, she is just making him do light dusting instead of paying rent...what a good gay he is. The show I'm writing for us is called "Dazzling Duets". The other show is called "For the love of Judy", an autobiographical romp. and then I want to do another burlesque show with country music and a big opening number..

i gotta get writing!!

XO, MargOH!

Friday, January 02, 2009

Starting Over

Hey Kids,

I'm back but where do I begin? Who know's???? You all know so much about how crazy I am and the story gets more crazy everyday..

OK, I'll cut to the chase without going into all the details.

I found out that one, my Aunt Trudie is alive and two she is my real mother....

So now I have my ex- mother Sully, my wardrobe mistress Berna , my aunt Fawn and my new mother previously Aunt Trudie living with me at the moment. We're living our own version of the Golden Girls, less the comedy....Just to give you an idea, I live in a one bedroom apartment so there are now 3 single beds in said bedroom and Berna in the closet under the loft area...she already is seperated from her union buddy and back giving me headaches.

The only good thing is that I've been working a lot so I've been away from time to time. I did 3 movies in three months, one is a Tv film about the rise and fall of Richard simmons, I play fat lady # 6 and had to recreate a sweatin to the oldies segment....jack black is playing Richard, he was doing a good job..I'm not sure what the title is but should be in theatre's in late 2009. Jack and I hit it off and he even gave me the wig he wore...how sweet and I got invited to his new years party, that will be next post, my mom Trudie became the life of the party but really offended Cameran Diaz, poor thing.....

Anyway, my aunt trudie had me and ran off to NY because she was a lesbian and her brother Salty took me in, who I thought was my father but he's not. My father was some irish sailor that Trudie had a one night stand with trying to figure out if she liked girls or not. I was a bit miffed to find all this out but afterall Trudie was the one who took me in at 12 when I ran away, I thought she was my Aunt...There is more to this story but I'll post that later as well.

I just wanted to get started again! Happy New year Kids!!

Kisses, MargOH!