Last week I had the pleasure of hosting some darling's from across the pond. Artist Phoebe Blatton and her beau Duncan, Duncs for short. Now of course I had to send some of the troops away to make room for our guests. I sent Aunt Fawn "Tastic" Channing to a Seniors figure skating retreat in Colorado and I'm happy to say she has been hired to stay on as the Social director for the rest of the season and its sponsored by Viagra, how fitting. I also sent Sully and Trudie to Alaska. It's been Sully's mission to bed Levi Johnston since his playgirl spread came out, so she's out on a hunt with a taser and tranquilizer gun.
That left Berna but she was working late nights at the Letterman show and I didn't think she'd be a problem. I was wrong, she was like an octopus with poor duncs, trying to stroke him anywhere and everywhere with her chubby little fingers.
Poor Phoebe was in a state over Berna, shooting her Mariah Carey glances with Tyra Banks attitude and I felt for the poor dear.
After all she had painted the most lovely portrait of my beloved Kim Fung and was trying to be gracious about the whole thing. Duncs was also so kind to supply me with a bottle of Hendricks Gin.
I'm sure most of you know what usually happens to MargOH! on gin, I get a bit frisky but the Hendricks didn't have the same effect, I just got drunk...very nice.
Kids, the second night they were staying with us we went out for a lovely meal in Williamsburg and they also asked us to go to a party with a western theme. Now, I thought about it and realized that neither Man-ee nor I had any western wear. I had thrown out my Annie Oakley costume many years ago and MAN-ee didn't take to the chaps I bought him and he made them into lovely leather place mats, he's so crafty. We decided not to go to the party after all and said goodbye to Phoebe and Duncs, little did I know that they would be missing for a day.
You see once they got to the party they were confronted with an angry mob of stylists who didn't like their choice of costume for the soiree and the friends that were supposed to meet them there hadn't arrived. Phoebe explained that they had just arrived from London and had little time to put anything together but she thought the plaid blouse she wore was sufficient and Duncs had on a poncho, what more could they want???
The problem was that these stylists were not only bitchy but hungry as well and had only nibbled on beer nuts and Beef Jerky so they were a bit berserk.
One of the stylists flew into a rage and told another to tie them up and put them in a room where they would have to learn the importance of western wear in America. The poor dears, for the next 24 hours they were made to watch stylist after stylist wearing western garb starting from an 1859 Indian tribal gown to a queen dressed as the cowboy from the village people. At least they were fed, maize, pit beef, extra spicy chicken wings and western fried oysters i.e. bulls balls...
Luckily we had walked them to the party before getting on the subway and after about mid morning I started to worry. I called berna and told her to gather up some of her union buddies to set out a search party for my guests. We headed over and I rang the bell with no answer so I had Berna scale the wall, which was not a pretty sight, she only had on her nightgown and uggs. She peered into the window and said she saw a bunch of wranglers laying around the floor but no Phoebe and Duncs, she shimmied over to another window and started knocking on the window. She then told me that the poor dears where hogtied back to back to a mechanical bull, OH! dear...
Berna scaled back down the wall and nearly became intimate with parking meter, "good lord don't you ever wear panties"? I asked. Thankfully Berna's union buddies arrived and we let them know the situation. My poor friends were being held captive by a gaggle of Urban Cowboy misfits. I told them to run to the hardware store for some rope and duct tape.
Luckily, this wasn't my first time at the Rodeo.
We slid into the building and made our way to the loft. I knocked on the door and we charged in. Wrong apartment, it was Ashley Olson's place, she was wearing Hobo wear not western wear. I explained what had happened and she was nice enough and lent me a safari hat and large sunglasses. Up to the next floor we went, knocked and this time charged into a hoe down. Berna rolled across the floor and knocked those stylists down like bowling pins and I lassoed about 15 of them in one try.
Berna kept rolling knocking down the door and up against the wall and she accidentally hit the mechanical bull switch. Phoebe and duncs were being tossed around like a salad. There was one more stylist trying to block the door and she threw a spur at me but I ducked it and Ashley Olson knocked her down so I could tie her up.
I managed to turn off the bull and free Phoebe and Duncs and called the po po. It was all a little bit to easy... good thing I've watched 9 to 5 so many times...I guess i'm officially a wrangler now.
We took Phoebe and Duncs back to our place and gave them tea and anything British I could find. I didn't let them out of my sight the rest of the trip, though I could never explain the reasoning to them behind why Americans take their theme parties so seriously...
The mysterious case of Phoebe and Duncs...