Monday, August 30, 2004

Republicans Lurking around every corner

Hi Kids,

I have to do one entry to let you know how I'm "holding up" during the RNC. I'm frightened! Yesterday I was entering my building and a man that bore a striking resemblance to Dick Cheney was lurking outside the door to my state-of-the-art secure building, and he had a Hunting Knife in his back pocket. Enough to make me a blood necklace...

I should explain my fear. You see, I am on the list of celebrities that get under George Bush's skin. I am right under poor Carol Channing. Only alphabetically of course. I haven't actually ever been under Carol Channing...well, there was that one time that I snuck into Sammy Davis Jr's New Years party back in '79...but that is a whole other story.

Berna and I were contacted by Moby a few months ago. He let me know that Lynne Cheney had seen my show while she was staying in New York and heard me tell my viewers that she was having lunch with Boy George and Rosie. It's true! I saw her at Pastis and they were having a gay old time. But, of course, in typical "down low" style, she didn't want any of her Republican chums to know about it (the ridiculous disguises that one uses!) .

Now I know her daughter is a Lesbian and she SAYS she is ok with it but I heard her saying something about "carpet munching dyke" and then rehabilitation. Next thing I know Rosie ran off in a huff (although to be fair that one runs off in a huff at the drop of trucker cap) and then Boy got confused and started singin "You spin me round" (which I find odd because that wasn't even his song!!).

The List is really long and includes La Striesand, the Sarandon- Robbins', myself and in bold they just added Margaret Cho. At least I am in good company. W ith the exception of Susan Lucci. With that hair and those teeth and THOSE gowns...I had her pegged a Banana Republican for sure. That's a lesson kids, never judge a book by its Nolan Miller cover. They still had poor Ann Miller on the list, as well, even though she 's been dead for years! Well, Berna (looking over my shoulder) is insisting Ann only died recently. Don't let anyone fool you. Micks has been playing "Weekend at Bernie's" with her for years now. Poor, poor Ann.

Anyway, there is going to be a secret meeting this weekend of the listed at an undisclosed location to bond and help each other through this convention. There is going to be a special ceremony to remember the many people blacklisted during the McCarthy era. I don't think I will be able to talk about it so this will be my only entry for the week.

Going back to my suspicions that I am being followed, when I left for my manicure this morning the same, knife-wielding from outside my building man was getting a pedicure! By the looks of his claws he had never had one done before either. I called Pixie Plains to protect me, she's one tough broad ain't no delegate or VP gonna mess with Miss Plains .

I went to the Protest on Sunday, incognito of course, as a plain clothed man. Nothing makes me more sick than a republican running loose in this city, asking directions and looking scared...or smug, depending on where they are . After the meeting I am outta here for a few days. Yoko is letting me use her home upstate. Berna is staying behind to protect the homefront from the likes of Bush and Cheney.

Of course you know I'm whispering all of this in case I am being bugged.

Wishes, MargOH!

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Everyone's Howling

Hi Kids,

After my time at the spa (the wheat and oatmeal bath was fabulous!) for some reason I'm getting itchy. I don't know why! I've had strange rashes before but usually on my thighs. Oi! Well I guess I’ll keep an eye on that.

I got back just in time for the 2nd Annual HOWL Festival that celebrates and continues to revive the arts scene in the LES (Lower East Side to those not in the know).

You see the Lower East Side is famous for those living the bohemian lifestyle as well as promoting art and culture, amongst other things. Myself, I was always more of an uptown girl (with a bad side, of course) but as I have gotten older I seem to have embraced my bad side full on and love everything a little edgy and fun, this is one of the reasons I haven't been returning Kathie Lee Gifford's phone calls. She 's so out of the loop, poor dear.

Talk about out of the loop! When I arrived back at home I found Berna playing cards and smoking cigars with the likes of notorious chanteuse and glamour gal (yeah, RIGHT!) Pixie Plains.

You must remember Pixie from my Halloween episode where she and Berna ruined my interview with Danny Devito and made me think I had killed him. Sick joke if you ask me, but it really boosted my ratings and I finished second to "The Simpson’s" that night.

I could tell that they were up to no good. I inquired what they had been getting up to but they wouldn't fess up. I know that Pixie is bad news so I'll have to wait to see what happens.

I couldn’t stand the stench in there so I headed over to the Pioneer movie theatre to catch a flick that featured the work of one of my favorite people and favorite artists in the whole world, Penny Arcade.

It was a documentary comprised of her work shown on the weekly show featured on MNN called "The Lower East Side Biography Project" that focuses on the great artists and unique individuals that have lived and given a great deal to the arts, culture and people of the neighborhood, past and present.

It was a wonderful film and I cannot say enough about how important this work is and how it is a living history of some great people whom might not get the attention they deserve in the future and that would be very sad indeed. I hope Penny realizes what a wonderful thing it is she and her collaborators have done and should be extremely proud. Please do yourself a favor and watch the LES biography series shown on Wednesdays at 11PM on channel 34/107 with MNN.

I had the pleasure of catching up with little Pen and she looks just fabulous! My love is always very sweet and gracious, I just adore her. Her sexy husband Chris isn’t too bad either. Rowrrrrr…

On that note I have to go because Berna needs a cupcake so we are heading over to Billy's Bakery (that disgusting Pixie is STILL here…she just moaned something about Billy can frost her cupcake any day…she’s a pig!).

I'll finish up on my HOWL update when I return.



Tuesday, August 24, 2004

My sister Rita

Hi Kids,

After my time with Liza and Pappy I was on a buzz, almost like smoking Maui Waui is that how you spell it, well I mean weed, pot, grass is what they called it in my day.
I didn't get back to NY until Thursday, just in time for the weekend but I decided to look up some family. I spent a couple hours with one of my sisters Rita Coleman, she was once married to Gary Coleman's father and now was living quite comfortably in a , must I say it, trailer park on the outskirts of San Diego. I rarely see my family but Rita is special. She has a knack for livin life day by day and never lets anything get her down and she like myself loves a drink so it's fun to get together and talk about old times and old lovers and believe me Rita has a lot."Pappy" let me use his car service and we drove to Rita's and when we arrived amongst the tumbleweeds I could not figure out which trailer was hers, they all looked the same but then I spotted one that was hot pink and I knew it must be hers so I went to the door and dusted off my mules and I knocked on the door. Now it had been some time since I saw Rita, I think it was on the set of Matlock and Rita was doing a guestspot and not to mention Andy Griffith.

Rita came to the door and I was quite taken a back, she had gained a bit of weight and she had lost some of her looks. At first I don't think she realized who it was but I said Rita , babe its MargOH! Oh! baby MargOH! You sweet little thing, she said, come on in ya old drunk,(laughing and squeezing me a bit too tight)I have not been drinking as much lately Rita, I said, just Sake. What in the hell is Sake she said as she broke open a bottle of wild turkey. No pleas, I said none for me. Aw stop that Rita said and poured me a big glass on the rocks and tossed me a bag of Pork Rinds. You are a class act Rita let me tell you and we both roared with Laughter and then I noticed that poor Rita was missing a few teeth and she told me that the alimony had run out after Gary won his lawsuit with his parents and she was living on the kindness of strangers.... and she was in the process of getting a patent on her crochet Tea kettle Cozy, she said they were selling like hotcakes at the local fleamarket.
I thought how sad it was so I pulled out 200 bucks and slapped it on the table, I have a heart ya know. It's been a rollercoaster ride for these two sisters from Bangor, Maine but we always dig our selves out of the hole somehow. Are paths have been similar but that's where the comparison ends, I'm much prettier and was never as much of a tramp. I was going to stay a couple of days but it was depressing seeing my sister, the once great character actress in such a state. I decided to take a nap because Rita had gone out to get some food, so I thought. I woke up and went into the bathroom to freshen up and when I came out "Pappies" driver was getting serviced by Rita. It made me sick, so I slapped that cock out of her mouth and dragged him out on his ear. Really, I can't go any further but lets just say Rita will not be visiting MargOH! in NY anytime soon. If anyone found out that my , well you know what I mean.... this event had me so wound up that I had to take a day at the Rancho Mirage to relax before flying back. I do love most of my family but when they get messy I just can't handle it...

Later Kids,


Saturday, August 21, 2004

Red Eye to Lizamay (Cont'd)

Hi Kids,

When I last left you I was headed to see Lizamay at her performance in San Diego. "Pappy" picked me up and we headed straight for the venue. I just love San Diego so I dialed Berna to have her check on what it costs to live in and around the city. I have to give her something to do. We made our way to the tent area wher Liza was preparing for a sound check and she ran to "pappy" . "Oh! Pappy I am so glad you can do this with me". Then I stepped out from "Pappy" and little Liza seemed indifferently thrilled to see me. "Hey Margie, how's it going, now you know I don't need you tonight so don't even ask me"(pointing a shakey finger at me then with a laugh and a soft hug). Liza, babe I wouldn't dream of stepping in for you tonight, you are looking the tops doll. Now I heard that you had a few problems with your costumes in atlanta and you got a little sweaty, I said. "Yes, well you know I always get hot". I started to take of my off the should satin Top with Rhinestone clasp when... Billy Stritch said, those are the second best tits in the business as he cupped Liza's. Oh! Shut up you big fag, give Margie a hug. I handed the top to Liza and said wear this and she grabbed it. I took Billy's arm and ran across the stage to the paino and said. Let's do Moon River. Billy nodded and said, can you? Mmm, probably not so lets do "ladies who Lunch" I said. Now you're talkin... I sang and Billy played with earphones on and it was like the old times at eighty-eights or some place like that.

A little back story is in order.

You see one time Liza was performing at the winter garden back in the ... well I won't say what decade and she was a sell out every night. Though one night after a performance the party got wild and Liza was the life of the party but she became a bit crazy and ran off with Burt Reynolds and was not seen for hours... The producers were besides themselves and could not find her and she had a matinee to perform so instead of cancelling the show and getting any bad press they searched high and low for an impersonator. They could find no-one and it was 12pm, 3 hours to show time, still no Liza. Lucky me I had been walking around times square and stopped for a hot dog and was sucking down a chili dog and a gentleman grabbed me by my wrist threw me in a car and said "How'd you like to be Liza Minnelli for a few hours" I said but I have a meeting with Saul Sheinbaum for an audition for the Musical "Mammie two toes". "Forget about it babe", this is the big time" he said. It was crazy, I was rushed into the dressing room and thrown into a sequin pant suit(too big I may add).I demanded to know what was going on, all he said was. "There's 10 grand in it for you if you sit here and listen to this run through of the show". "Liza's on a bender and we need you to fill in, Last nights show was taped for the recording and you need to do the best you can to Lip Sync this show". I started to walk out when the man said, I am Fred Ebb and you will do this or I will let everyone know you were about to do an audition for a porn film. "That's not true" I said. "Saul went rough trade and is now doing porn Lady, wake up, he said. I dashed back to my chair and said MargOH!Channing will never do the casting couch or any porn, fine I'll do it but I want 20 grand and a part in your next show. He agreed and that night I was Liza for 2 hours and it was great. I was tossed around the floor by dancers who knew I didn't know the steps but they made me look fabulous. The crowd was wild and I had 18 standing ovations, they never knew... It was a dream.

Back to present Liza took to the stage for sound check and asked me to fan her and I did. Liza said, "Pappy I wanna do San Francisco, Mamma's version". They ran through it and it was fabulous. I sat there with Fan in hand and wondered how it could be that I , a little girl from Bangor, Maine could have saved the career of this legend and now having the honor to fan her, i was humbled. "Get me a gatorade", she demanded and I ran to the fridge to fetch it but then it hit me. I could do it again and I needed a little cash so I opened my purse and got two nips of vodka Jake the Jet blue attendant gave to me and put them in her gatorade. I watched her drink it and then she said "Aren't you going to put on a shirt". I was still in my Bra. "Oops I forgot". Well to no avail the booze didn't affect her at all and she went on to give another great performance in my blouse for the first act. After the show she handed me a check for 2 grand and said thanks babe. I said for what. She leaned in and said "For spiking my gatorade, it cleared up my cords or something and your not getting back this fabulous top"(she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek) "See ya back in NY Margie".

I just love my Lizamay!!!



Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Red eye to see Lizamay

Hi Kids,

I can't go any further in my discussion about my weekend with Margaret Cho other than to say it was a blast.

When I woke early Sunday morning I wiped the .... From my eye and hopped in the shower and realized I had a bruise on my thigh the size of an eggplant so I quickly grabbed some cover all and through on my Sunday best. It was a new black satin top with matching panties and a pair of sequin pants with a flare.... The phone rang and Berna picked it up so I continued to make myself pretty. Berna yelled in that "Pappy" that's Bill Lavorgna asked if I wanted to come out and see Liza May in San Diego with him. I said why yes "Pappy". The next thing I knew I was on Jet Blue on the 11:50 arriving at 2:50. Trembling with the notion that they did not offer Sake and that was confirmed by my attendant Jake I broke down and had a rum/coke, yuk and the tuna sandwich Berna threw together. I love Jet Blue because I can watch "The Munsters" I just loved that Yvonne DeCarlo, what a peach..

We landed and "Pappy" greeted me with open arms and he told me that he had to rush over to the show because Liza asked him to play drums at the last minute and that she had an idea to add a song to the playlist. Oh! What fun, I hadn't seen little Liza since the time I met her at Elaines for a cocktail, oops I mean coke. She was telling me all about Arrested Development and how happy she was besides the lawsuits from her ex. I am sure she is going to be thrilled to see me again!!!

Oops, I have to go Berna and I are going to see Dracula the musical. I hope it is better than Dance of the Vampires, where's Ms. Rice when you need her.

Ciao, MargOH!

Monday, August 16, 2004

Wild weekend with Margaret cont'd

Hi Kid's

It's a cold and rainy Monday in August here in NYC. It must be the Republican National Convention looming around the corner bringing all the gloom and doom. I need sun and fun.... I swear I am going to move to California...

Well, after our big night seeing "Let's put on a Show" starring Jan and Mickey Rooney, Margaret and I headed over to XL to get a stiffener and decide what to do with the rest of our evening. When we got there we were rushed by Amanda Lepore and Richie Rich and being rushed by those two is not a pretty sight, poor Margaret almost lost her sashimi roll from earlier in the evening. I of course ordered a tonic water, yeah right, and was bored by my John Blair experience... Margaret was busy signing men's asses, how boring, before I grabbed her and left poor Amanda at a loss for anything to say, how odd???

We moved on to The Roxy where we were greeted with as much love as Margaret got from the HRC. I swear we did not even get a glance for at least 3 minutes. I think it's because Margaret has lost so much weight that she looks like Kristi Yamaguchi now so who would care. Finally we were corned, I mean cornered by a Chelsea boy named B-boy and he sweat all over my new Poncho, I was pissed.... But he offered to buy me a Sake-hop, that's a vodka and Sake martini, mmm it was delicious, 3 days and still no Gin, I'm so proud of myself. Up to the booth to shake my booty with my favorite DJ Peter Rauhauffer or whom I like to call Roxyhauffer, he's so hot!!!! Margaret was a bit angry with me since we are both suppose to be on the wagon but I ordered a bottle of Mums and drank shots of champers out of Peter's belly button. The music was hot and the dance floor was steaming which probably accounted for the rank odor that the place has. We left the booth and headed over to talk to Margaret's pal Joey and It turned out to be that doll Joey Lawrence. I did a guest spot on the TV show Blossom years ago and had not seen him since. We talked for what seemed hours as we rehashed the significance of Blossom Russo aka Myim Bialik and he let me in on the secret that she was a swinger and had a dominatrix business geared towards former fans of the show. It was now well into the morning and on our way out I ran into Berna who was flagging down a cab with Kelly Rowland of destiny's Child. Before I could say anything they were off. Now I have to wonder why I can't get any guests on my show when my assistant is running around with the likes of Kelly. I turned to Margaret and said thank god you are shooting the segment for my show tomorrow or I would have do another re-run. Margaret's face fell a bit and she started to mumble something and I asked her what she was saying. She got a bit louder and informed me that she had to leave on a 6 am flight and could not do the show.

I do not know what came over me but I just bitch slapped her and ran off down the street and I snapped the heel right off my mule and fell to the ground. Margaret picked me up and apologized for the mix up and explained that she would come back and tape it when she was doing her show at the Apollo. I regained my composure and informed her she owed me $500 bucks for my mule and she rummaged through her purse and gave me $1000. The next thing I remember was waking up on the set of my show with the bottle of mums clutched to my breast and Neils phone number at the Waldorf in my other hand with a note saying that I was still the best blow in the business, how sweet.

Well kids till next time



Sunday, August 15, 2004

MargOH!'s weekend with Margaret

Hi Kids,

I am so glad to be back in the city. As you know I went for Sushi with Margaret Cho, we went to Yo Sushi, Its fab. After we chatted about my stay at the spa we ran over to Jimmy's Gramercy flat, Margaret forgot her tube top and couldn't bare the notion that Mr. Fallon would sell this story to "The Star" magazine, can you see it know... Margaret Cho forgets her Tube top in hot sex act with Jimmy Fallon, yeah.... Someone told me he was considered for the comic relief for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" but they decided to go for the bird like look of Carsen Kressley. Thankfully Jimmy was out so she scooched on her tube top and we ran out the door.

Margaret said she needed a pedicure from Cleo II but after looking at my watch I barked that we were almost late for the show. We had front row tickets for "Let's put on a Show" starring Jan and Mickey Rooney. We hopped in a cab and of course were almost knocked out by the smell of BO so I dragged out my Red Door and sprayed all over, yuk. After holding my breath for too long I looked like a blowfish and Margaret had been shat on by two pigeons from sticking her head out the window. We stumbled out of the car and rushed into the VIP holding room and to my thrill right into my old flame Neil Sedaka, he's doing a concert for the upcoming Jewish festival . I had read that he was going to be in town and really did want to see him. He looked a bit uncomfortable but we said a cordial hello and went our separate ways. Margaret was in a hot conversation with Jan's sister Mo and she told us that Jan has injured her foot in the show the night before when she was doing a step ball change with Micks and they may have to cut out some of the dancing. It was curtain time and we took our seats and I sat right next to Robin Byrd. She told me that her and Mickey were great friends and she was given the tickets, mmm I bet she got free tickets, everyone knows Mickey is a diehard Byrd watcher and I am sure that's not all.
The show was OK. Mickey was holding his own but after catching Neil's eye at the end of the row he gave a gentle wave and I was up in an instant and to the holding room. Neil followed me in and we held eachother and then he cupped my breast with both hands and popped my nipple out and licked it so I fell back into the closet as Mickey was singing " How lucky can you get". I fixed myself and straightened my long line and headed back down the aisle just in time to see Jan do her tribute to Patsy Cline. After it was over I thought to myself I wonder if Patsy herself would have liked the tribute and unfortunately my thoughts were no. Jan and Micks gave it a try but I think I had a better time in the closet. I was feeling a little guilty when Margaret asked me what was in my hair.... All I could say was a residue from my protein conditioning rinse. She looked at me like I was a slut and walked towards the exit.

Well kids, I'm gonna have to tell you about the rest of my wild weekend with Margaret but I need to shoot a segment for my show.....

I'll be back



Thursday, August 12, 2004

MargOH! is back from Rehab

Hi Kids,

I just got back from Hawaii after a short stay at a spa, well let's say a tune up for a slight drinking problem. My Dr. says that his theory on weaning people off Gin by using Sake has worked time and time again and it's true I haven't had a stitch of Gin since I started the program. I just love all the different types of Sake and I have hardly sampled but just a few so it will take me a while to even think about drinking Gin again.

I did miss being away from my fans and the action of NYC. I missed doing my show "The MargOH! Channing Show" that is shown on Manhattan cable on channel 56 every other Saturday night but I am sure you all knew that.

The first thing I did when I got back was run over to Shirley's and have our favorite lunch egg salad on lettuce leaves, gotta watch those carbs people. Shirley told me that my wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge had been having parties the whole time I was away and one night was dancing in the hallway with Shelly Winters and her breast was exposed. Now this would be no big deal but Berna's breast is bigger than Shelly all together, ugh I could just imagine the sight. Shirl also told me that she was practicing "Goldfinger" for her upcoming tour and Berna was pounding the wall for her to shut- up or she was going to give her her goldfinger. I apologized to Shirley and went straight to talk to Berna.

I gave Berna the business and cut her allowance down to $15 a week from her normal $25. I swear that woman drives me into the poor house. Thank god I am still covered under Rodney's insurance or the stay in Rehab would have wiped me out. Dr Beefachaki is not cheap let me tell ya. That reminds me I should be getting that check from "The Sizzler". You see I get Royalties every time they make a Rodney Allen Rippy, a drink made of coke, grenadine a splash of bitters and a cherry. I invented it when I was married to Rodney Allen and decided to patent that sucker so now everytime they make one MargOH! gets a a few cents, dumb asses should never have added the bitters to the Roy Rodgers drink and thank god Berna loves steaks or I never would have known to sue the bastards for patent fraud, lol. I guess Bern's good for something. Oh, gosh I must go because I am meeting Margaret Cho for Sushi and Sake. Thanks Dr. Beefachaki.....

I'll be back

Ciao, MargOH!