Now I'm not usually one to complain but turkey day was a bit…tragic. Not that many of my Thanksgivings have been pure joy...but turkey day 2009 will go down in history as a mad mad day!
You have to understand that since I moved to Brooklyn it has become a little crowded. Just because I have 2 bedrooms, my extended family thinks that means they can crash whenever they like.
I mean I already have my mother Sully, well should I say my first mother, she's actually not my mother after all but she's been around so long I call her Mommy too –or rather Mommy 2. Then there is my real mother, Mommy Trudie, who I originally thought was my Aunt Trudie and who I believed dead but really was alive. She shares a room with Mommy 2.
I also have my Aunt Fawn "tastic" Channing coming and going and crashing (sometimes literally – more on that later) on the couch. Then there is my daughter Stoli, well she isn’t actually my daughter (that's a whole other mess of a story) but for some reason she keeps showing up, poor thing. And lastly, no news to the regular followers of my life, I am forced to bear the cross of my wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge occupying the walk in closet, stretching out my hosiery to store her disturbing collection of knick knacks and bric-a-brac. My own little Flower in the Attic. Of Course my gay fiance Man-ee Champagne is fluttering around cleaning up and doing mash ups of Dusty Springfield and Lady Gaga, now doesn't that just sing thanksgiving boys and girls..
Are you with me kids? This was the base Thanksgiving dinner guest list. My Aunt Fawn, Sully/Mommy 2, my Aunt Trudie/Mommy Trudie, my wardrobe mistress Berna, Man-ee the gay fiance and my ex-daughter Stoli.
And because obviously I am sadistic, I also invited some pals - actress Polly Holiday, you know "Kiss my grits!" from Alice, my former neighbor actress Linda Hunt, Mickey and Jan Rooney and Mickey's new BFF, Justin Beiber and his mother. Truth be told it was Stoli who invited Justin, its her new crush and she somehow managed to get a job as his personal assistant. Such a resourceful girl that one!
Any who, I wanted to order up everything from Fresh Direct but Sully insisted on cooking from scratch. “Not to worry” she said “Trudie and I will take care of everything!”
I grabbed my mimosa and headed to the boudoir to do my face. All of a sudden I hear all of these gunshots and thuds against the house. I ran to the window and saw 3 ducks on the ground, ducks in Brooklyn?! Then I ran into the living room and Sully's standing there, shotgun resting on her leg and triumphantly cackles "We're having turducken!".
I tell her she's out of her mind. I remember screaming out that I was a member of PETA and that turducken was out of the question when Trudie follows in with a live turkey. "Oh god" I howled "Give me that poor Turkey! If we have turkey it should be frozen” and he gobbled in such a forlorn fashion to that statement that I had to add “No! forget it. We'll have fish!”
I sent Stoli off to the store for some salmon and I took the turkey, which I named Tex, into my boudoir. Luckily I had some bird food left over from a nightmare relationship with a bird named Lucy.
I invited everyone over for cocktails at 2 and then dinner at 4. At 10 am Linda Hunt is knocking on the door! Well she knocked but Berna said no one was there – I’m afraid she's a bit short... well anyway she shimmied up the fire escape and scared the daylights outta me when she popped her head in the window whilst I was still getting ready so I sent her to the store to get cheese and crackers and a big pepperoni log.
Mickey and Jan came next, also early, Jan made the potatoes - some sort of casserole. Of course the potato's had a blow torched picture of Mickey and Judy on it and “Judy was my Sister” written on the bottom in paprika. Jan looked upset "I smell fish”, she said. I was so insulted I was about to slap her until she finished her thought “Are we having fish? No turkey??? I would have made a turkey!"
I told Jan that we were having fillet De salmon because I simply could not kill Tex nor the poor ducks. Polly Holiday had just walked in with more of them. "Hey ya'll is it raining ducks in Brooklyn?! Hot damn!"
Sully grabbed them and starting saying "I'm a damn good shot, c'mon Maggie let me cook em!".
"No way Mommy 2! Absolutely not! Stop waving those ducks around!”
By now my horribly behaved friends and family had me in a state – my poor delicate head was throbbing. Before I knew what hit me (probably my third vodka and tonic) I screamed out “Polly get to it and set the table, use that Alice experience and make it pretty. Jan get to work on those crescent rolls! And Mickey for god’s sake put a lid on it! I'm having a drink!".
Already I was exhausted when my Aunt Fawn arrived with her figure skating coach Dixie. But at least she brought some good news for the day – she decided to enter the over-70's nationals rather than her original goal of competing at senior nationals though I must say she can still do a hell of a double axle and triple toe loop at 73. She brought her music and started showing everyone her routine to 'Fire bird" until she tripped over poor Linda and landed right on Tex.
Jan jumped up, "Guess we are having turkey, I'll pluck it, stuff it and cook it"
I dropped to the sofa and threw my hands up and yelled "No Turkey for MargOH!". That's when Justin arrived and I said "but i wouldn't mind a little chicken"....Gotta love the holidays...