Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Liza in Cooterville

Hey Kids,

You know I love my Liza and from time to time stand in for her if she goes on a bender. It's not easy impersonating a drunk ya know? Now she's lost weight again so I'm down to snacking on lettuce and beets to drop a few. My Pee is a gorgeous color at the moment.

Any who, I got a call from Bill "Pappy" Lavornia (Liza's music director and surrogate daddy) to come see her concert this past weekend. It's cold as hell so I figured what the hell. Luckily, i booked a flight with American instead of Jet Blue, yikes.

I got down there and was excited to see the concert. i arrived a bit late but just had enough time to get backstage to say hi. Pappy opened his arms with a big hug and whispered that Liza was sturdy as a horse tonight and didn't need me to stand in. I guess maybe he thought performing at the "Frank Sinatra" theatre may have sparked that old feeling in her and she'd down a bottle of Stoli..who knows.

he wouldn't let go even though i tried to get away and he then said there is one problem though. He said that whenever Liza loses a few pounds she breaks out her old costumes. He asked me if I could somehow talk her into wearing one of her newer pant suits instead of her pink a-line...he said that when she moves you can almost see her cooter. This pink outfit is from her concert that she did with Sammy and Frank back in the day. I knew exactly what he meant.

I went back to the dressing area and Liza greeted me with a double kiss and said hi ya Maggie. i told he she looked fabulous and I was glad she was doing so well. She was looking thin and radiant again..I love it. She asked me to help her practice her scales so I pounded on a few keys for her , a little shaky but who cares...

Then she grabbed her gator ade and started chugging it like mad...I think it may have had a bit of vodka in it mmmm. She then proceeded to put on her pink dress. I asked her how come she was dragging out the old outfits. She told me that it makes her feel young and she was remembering Frank tonight. I said do you think frank wants to see those swollen knee's. You know he would have told you to cover yourself up girlie!

She snapped at me and said how dare I comment on her outfit. I said How could I not, it looks a bit tattered hon and it's a bit short. I know you've lost weight but the girls are hanging a bit lower than they did 20 years ago. Please try on these slacks..they flow much better. She got a bit heated again and said that was her second act outfit. The music started to swell and she whisked out and Pappy was right..I saw a bit of her unspeakable ...yikes. not even wax, poor dear,

The opening act was like a roller coaster, not because of her singing, she was great but because of the dress. The audience was mostly 50-70 somethings and a smattering of queens. That dress was going up and down and side to side and a couple of the seniors covered there eyes as not to catch a glimpse of her cooter. One old man jumped up and yelled out..wait i gotta get my Viagra.

I guess Liza will never learn...or maybe she likes a bit of a breeze on her Lips...

All I can say is out with the old and into the New my dear Liza...

Kisses, MargOH!

No comments:

Post a Comment