Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Berna's wearing a Pink Slip

Hey Kids,

It's been a long time coming but after two days of complete and utter confusion and despair I have decided to let my wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge go.

It has been 38 years since I saved Berna from her bland and boring life in Rhode Island.

I was on a promotional tour for "Common Law Cabin" and letting people take pictures of my knockers when Berna approached and cupped my perky bosom's.

She looked very sad so I grabbed her by the head and stuck her face right in between my mighty mountains (I have since had a major reduction). Berna was beside herself and got all red and was a glow for her Photo Op. Ya know after going down memory lane I think Berna may have Lesbian tendencies.

Anyway, we left the event and headed to Federal Hill for a bit of pasta when Russ Meyer leaned over the table and told me that my admirer was standing outside watching us. He was right, there was Berna holding her photo of us and looking even sadder so I waved her in. We had to get her a bench because she couldn't fit into the chairs, the poor thing, she was pitiful.

We drank wine and talked about how Berna had just lost her job as a maid at the hospital after she was caught giving a blow job to a patient... Oh, dear... and then she went on to say she lost her apartment. It was actually Russ who told Berna to come with us and that he would make her a Production assistant on his next film.

Berna was at my side for the rest of that tour. She really served as my body guard at first. I swear she could throw a 200 pound guy straight across the room if they got out of hand. Berna was not all fun and games at first, you see, she had a strong sexual appetite and was a big slut. I don't know how many times on that tour I had to go find her at a truck stop bathroom. it didn't matter I kind of liked her spunk.

My time being a Russ Meyer gal was short lived and I made the one and only film due to my unfortunate accident. I don't talk much about this but in 1968 my breasts killed a man by accident during a night of unbridled passion. His name was Johnny and he was a tit man of the highest order and he was enjoying my melons , licking, sucking and bouncing, when I realized he stopped it was too late. I suffocated him!!!! It was horrible!!!!! The police told me they wouldn't press charges if I had a breast reduction so I did.

Berna was by my side the whole time when everyone else left me. That's when she started as my personal assistant. Russ felt bad about not being able to use me again so he lined me up a lot of extra work and that's how it all started.

Berna's done a lot of crap as of late and not too mention the whole concealing my pregnancy thing...

She tried to seduce poor little Rodney once when he was drunk on Ripple.

She stole my trans am in the 80's on a road trip in Bangkok and ran over 2 rickshaw drivers while partying with the Olsen Twins.

Berna threw a surprise party for me on my 40th birthday and forgot to invite people so I thought no one showed up.

She ran off with passport in Cuba because she was pissed I slept with Castro. I was stuck in Cuba for 2 months.

She was the one who yelled out "We don't sell food here, just Pussy" to Madonna when she came into my 25 seat cabaret, bordello, escort service asking for Pad Thai. Then it burned to the ground about 25 minutes after she stormed out.

Recently she got us evicted after having a wild party for my sister Rita where she banged Gary Busey....

And as you know she stole my invitation to the TomKat wedding and went herself and is now cleaning Sophia Loren's toilets.

It's all too much so I have informed Sophia to let Berna know I have hired Diane Keaton's shoe mistress Cuchie to takeover as my Wardrobe Mistress.

She is currently packing all of Berna's things. I am having her send everything to Kathy Lee Gifford's. I am not completely heartless so I arranged for her to torture Kathy lee's family for a while. Just in time for Kathy's performance in "Annie" at Madison square garden. She's thrilled, she loves Berna for some reason so she can have her.

Its an end of an era for MargOH! but Berna has pushed my last button!!!!!

Cuchie is eager to please and I am looking forward to my life without Berna....

I'll keep you updated on Cuchie's integration into the household. The second thing she is responsible for after packing up Berna is finding Stoli an apartment asap....she's also driving me nuts....

Kisses, MargOH!


  1. phoebe2:00 PM

    Oh MargOH! I don't know what to say - I know nobody died, but I almost feel like there should be a rememberance book for Berna! So many moments... I think one of my favourites was when she threw pub fries at David Bowie & Iman... Oh gosh. Berna will always have a place in the hearts of your fans... lets see if Cutchie can fill those shoes. Knowing Berna I wouldn't count on that being the last you've heard of her... she'll soon stir up trouble round Gifford's gaff and come knocking at Maison MargOH! Whatever, keep the feud divine... your boosey soho xxx

  2. susan5:30 AM

    my favourite berna moment was when you caught her three sheets to the wind and wearing a sheet about to blow gary busey. love susan X

  3. Hi Phobe and Susan,

    Yes, Berna has her certain charm, I can't deny it. She is somewhat of a smart bird and doesn't stand for obnoxiousness. She spits at it actually.

    It is hard for me to let go but I must try and free myself of the Berna bondage I am in. I haven't been to a star studded function in months because Berna keeps me so busy keeping her in line...Poker nights, bondage nights...you don't know the half of it.

    I'm sure Berna will be around seeing is I am good friends with kathie Lee so don't fret Kids.

    Gotta run Cuchi is about to give me a massage.....

    Kisses, MargOH!

  4. I'm sorry to hear about Berna. I would say I need good help, but the only thing she has going for her is her willingness to give blow jobs.

  5. My god,Im speechless!!!! MargOH! I cant say i diddnt see it coming after all her antics of late, Berna's behaviour has been dispicable indeed, but still i send my condolances, Change is always difficult. Im sure a few dirty martini's shall see you through this difficult time, not to mention Cutchie's massages, charming!

    Like phoebe said Berna has been a hoot in the past, When she threw those pub fries i cried haha!

    Good luck MargOH! and careful this Cutchie doestn have a hidden agenda, she sounds too good to be true?? xxx