Wednesday, April 18, 2007
After a few more booze filled meetings with Nicky Knockers, Berna and even Stoli we've cracked this case wide open!
It is our conclusion that we are all victims of an evil one legged man named Stumpy Jones. Personally I think his disability drove him to do horrible things. I wish he could have understood that the things he could do with that prosthetic leg were enough to seduce any woman into submission but that just wasn't enough for him.
SO…taking up where we left off…after he plunged me with Ruth's egg and skewered me with his manhood I became pregnant. Yes, this is true, his plan became a reality. Berna did witness the vile act and tried to stop him but he slapped her around and threatened her! He told her he would tell everyone that she was really a man...another tale that has unraveled from this sordid story (I never knew!!! I mean I’m not surprised…she’s so…well anyway…someday we’ll dig deeper into this but I just don’t have the energy to contemplate this little revelation).
Berna realized she couldn't tell me what happened or risk being exposed herself so she tried everything to get me to lose the baby. She even got me drunk on Lithuanian cabbage wine and Hoovered my lady parts out but that damn egg wouldn't budge. She then tried to feed me more booze and drugs, enough to kill a truck driver, but of course not only can I hold more liquor than a truck driver I can hold more liquor than the oil truck he’s driving. (Well, I DID start drinking when I was 4. My father made moonshine out of fishbones and potatoes and gave it to me in my bottle. It was an acquired taste but I was told I was a very happy baby).
Anyway, Berna kept the truth from me and did her best to hide my pregnancy…especially from me. Do you know that when I was going into labor she told me I was having an appendicitis attack?? I thought I had no appendix but figured I would rather be safe than sorry.
After the birth Stumpy took the baby and fled never to be seen again. Stumpy told Stoli I was her mother but that I had abandoned her for my career...I would never do that. Although I must say I am a bit relieved she isn’t mine because motherhood is a burden to me.
Of course after hearing all of this I welcomed Berna back with open and forgiving arms. It really is good to have her back. She can be a handful but she's the cheapest wardrobe mistress there is. Cuchie was just bleeding me dry....not to mention stealing anything she could get her sticky fingers on.
Poor sad Stoli is a mess over all of this and doesn't know what to do with herself. Ruth won't return anyone's calls. I told Stoli that although I was only the port of call for her birth that I would help her in any way I could…as long as it doesn’t inconvenience me or cost me any time or money or real effort.
Oh! The other twist to the story is that Stoli told us that Stumpy had amassed a fortune from spokesmodeling for prosthetic leg companies in Third World Countries (he was a bastard in every way!!). She said that he never believed in banks and that the money was buried in their yard in Minnesota. She has yet to find it. We asked Nicky Knockers to stay on and manage the excavation project in Minnesota. Stoli just used a shovel and hoe but Berna, Nicky and I agreed that bulldozer's and well diggers were the way to go. Stoli thinks there are 500,000 smackers in that yard and we agreed to split it evenly for our pain and suffering.
I am glad I can put this drama to rest and move on. It was hard for me believe that I was a mother…thank goodness I'm not! Also it's nice to have Berna back though I already caught her trying on my costumes for the June show...and put a hole in my dance tights....aargh...it's coming out of her Stumpy money...
Posted by MargOH! Channing at 6:14 AM