Happy Holidays

Hey Kids,

I'll be back with my next list. There have been some fun things happening in 2007 so I think I'll also do a Top ten of my favorite and fun things in 2007...I don't want to be all doom and gloom...cause you know MargOH! cures her blues with a nice cocktail and believe me..It's grand...

I'll be posting my last most annoying list for the gays...

Kisses, MargOH!

PS Happy Holiday Hangover...

A Christmas Message From MargOH!

Hey Kids,

Have a Happy and Champagne filled Holiday and New Years!!



Kisses,

MargOH!, MAN-ee, Berna and Kim Fung

1st Annual "Most Annoying Teen and or Young Adult" of 2007

Hey kids,

Here is the 2nd list ("The Most Annoying Teens and Young Adults" of 2007) in my trilogy of people that really piss me off for several different reasons... I usually love to mix it up with the kids and I do with my fabulous friends like Nellie McKay, my darling La John Joseph and super sexy Legs Malone and even all of my UK kids Phoebe, Dan, Alice, Oli, Katie and the gang. They are all fabulous young adults that make this old gal keep up with what's hot and whats not. They all are wonderful artists or just damn good people who are trying to better this world with their own point of view. MargOH! Likes that!!!!

Now to my list!!!! There are many young people out there that are not doing good by themselves or for anyone else. These are fame hungry Cretans that just do things to get in the press and make fools of themselves for no good reason. This is why I had to add this list because these fools are rampant and I am highly annoyed.


5. Miley Cyrus AKA Hannah Montana-

All I can say about this tart is that I long for the days of Debbie Gibson who Proved her love, Stacey Latisaw who found love on a two way street and Tiffany who just wanted to be alone...or even Mariah who had a vision of love.

What moron names their child Miley? Oh, yeah Billy Ray Cyrus, the poor dear can't make it on his own so he sells out his little gal to bring home the bacon and I'm sure he's frying it up in the pan. I understand the kids need to adore someone but it seems Disney has created a pint sized monster who is raking in the bucks with some ticket prices going for 2,400 smackers. All of that money to hear someone sing to a track is really insane.

Have we learned nothing from what happens when teens turn into mega stars..Britney, the poor Olsen twins who are all just shells of their former selves.

Listen kids, I'm all for youth and spend many a morning watching Sesame street while I have my morning mimosa but as a culture should we be supporting the children to support teen girls that they learn nothing from....at least with Debbie Gibson I learned how to shake my love....really.. I'll talk to you in ten years when poor Miley is getting out of Rehab and suing her parents for naming her Miley...

I've added a video of what Miley Cyrus is doing to our impressionable youth...enough said



4. Lindsey Lohan-

What can I say about Lindsey...first and foremost one thing every person should do if they are going to be in the public eye is learn how to hold their drugs and liquor. It took me years of practice to master the art of being drunk in public without making an ass of myself but I did all that before I was actually famous so now I know how to conduct myself while drinking at any social occasion...

Now the other thing I have to say to Lindsey is you have a lot of money and you are a celebrity and you live in California....Get a god damn driver you stupid idiot little girl. I go out to LA and San Diego a few times a year and god damn it I hire a car service, it only costs a couple hundred bucks a day and I only make a fraction of what you do you stinking mess...but if old MargOH! gets a little messy I don't have to deal with the celebrity stalking LAPD...

Listen, I think Lindsey has a bit of talent but she is annoying because she's too stupid to learn how to hold her booze and to hire a god damn driver.....so throw her in the slammer and throw away the key.....

3. Jonathan Lipnicki-

Now kids was there anyone as adorable as the big headed Jonathan Lipnicki with his cute smart mouthed raspy voice and chipmunk cheeks who gave Tom cruise a run for his money.

I'm not annoyed with Jonathan for doing anything wrong, it's just that I miss that big headed, eye glass wearing bundle of joy...Oh where can my Jonathan be??? Why isn't he in all the big supporting roles out there and hitting all the tabloids for lewd and drunken behavior. I decided to do a little research and found his website and there was the answer staring me right in the face, he's 17 now and how should I put this, well, he's not as cute as he used to be...He is quite a handsome lad but I can see why he's not getting any work. Though he says he's looking for the right roles...I hope that doesn't mean he's going to start doing gay porn, it happens you know...they look for the right roles and somehow don't find them but the porn fairy will find him...watch out little Jonathan.... I guess I'm forced to put in my dvd of Little Vampire to get that old Jonathan Lipnicki feeling....hmmmmmm, sigh...



2. Jordin Sparks

I'm sorry kids but you were all fooled by the sappy teen persona Jordin carried out on American Idol. I could see through the fog and tell she was a bad girl playing a role to win the hearts of the voting public. She's very christian you know and we all know they are usually the worst...

Now many of you know that Shirley Bassey has her NYC apartment right next to mine and boy let me tell you Shirley was going ballistic about Jordin singing one of her signature songs. The song was "I who have nothing" which is to Shirley one of her great numbers and she was heartsick to know that the American Idol fans thought Jordin's version to be better than hers and worse yet there were people on youtube asking who in the hell Shirley Bassey was. Let me tell you the vases were flying and the crying fits of rage could be heard through the hallways of my building. I was completely annoyed with Jordin because I had a splitting headache from all of Shirley's screaming and carrying on....

It is understandable that Shirley would be upset, she has one of the great voices ever and to be compared with this teen amateur is disgusting...Jordin don't know nothing about having nothing...she's taken a chastity pledge for goodness sake. You can't have heartache unless you've done the nasty in my opinion and poor Shirley's been through the ringer and has felt the pain of rejection I'm sure and she sings it that way.....

Now that Jordin has released her album she somehow shed that fake persona and released that bad girl song "Tattoo"....The album has tanked by American Idol standards and has had very little press.... I bet Shirley called in a few favors to squash it and send Jordin into a fit of her own....poor thing....what comes around goes around so stick that in your christian collection box girrrrrrrrrlll, you shouldn't messed with Shirley's song sista....hmmmmm


1. Amy Winehouse-

Now little thin and lanky boned Amy is pushing it to be in this category because she is almost twenty five and the young adult category should end at twenty one or so but I am so annoyed by this hag that I had to put her somewhere...and really the straight category didn't seem right to me....I'm not sure who'd want her but since she acts like a pre-teen maybe she can audition for next season's "Kid Nation" and they can make her work hard labor the whole time....what a mess....

What really annoys me about this chicklet is that she has a huge amount of talent and she's throwing it all away on a disgusting man and heroine.....really. I would kill to have the voice this scrawny beast has and if I did I'd be turning down the needles for the damn microphone but for some reason she prefers it the other way. I love a drink though and could understand if she was downing vodka a la Janis Joplin or Chaka Kahn right on the damn stage and breaking things to get the crowd going but this little gal can't even get on stage and sing a number...very sad...It's all very Rickie Lee Jones and sad....Amy darling from one drinker to a druggy please don't follow your own advice and get your ass to "Rehab" ....before you end up a scrawny old hooker wondering what the fuck happened or I hate to say it....dead....get off the smack and get on stage a sing it damn it or maybe just maybe I will do it for you..

Berna darling can you make me a gin and tonic...yes Gin...Amy makes me want to do bad things.....

I'll be back kids with my final list of "The Most Annoying Gays" of 2007 and let me tell you I almost had to make it a top 25 because the gays went nuts in 2007....


Kisses, MargOH!


Honorable mentions


1. The Olsen Twins-just because

2. Taylor Swift- Another boring country singer, please play Dolly on Radio again...

3. Ashley Tisdale-First I had to ask myself who the hell is Ashley Tisdale when Berna, MAN-ee, Linda Hunt and myself went to the Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting. It was my first time and last believe me...I was clocked in the head by a bottle of Riunite wine in the hands of some housewife from Minnesota..ouch. Then I asked myself why can't this girl Lip Sync?, She was terrible....Then I thought I should open a Lip Sync academy and call it "The Lip Sync Academy".....

MargOH!'s 3rd Annual "Most Annoying Straights" of 2007 List

Hey Kids,

This is my favorite time of year and not because of Christmas but because it's time to let everyone know what has pissed me off this year. I usually do this in two lists but this year there will be three. The reason for three is that there are so many annoying teen and young adults out there these days that I just had to add "The Most annoying Teen and Young adults of 2007" category this year.

Now over the past lists I've always included my top ten in this category because there are no straight people more annoying than George and Laura Bush, Dick Cheney(just die already), Condoleeza Rice and Donald "The Torturer" Rumsfeld and of course we have Roberto Gonzalez. I guess you can say that 99.99% of Republicans are annoying and really make me scream, throw booze raged fits and make me have thoughts of torturing my long time wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge.

I realize that the darkness of the past eight years is coming to a close so that is all I have to say about that....My only wish is that we elect Mike Gravel to the presidency...he's a feisty old bastard and at 76 not a bad looking daddy..I know it won't happen but he's got my vote...

Without any further babble, here is my list of the 5 "Most Annoying Straights" of 2007



#5. JENNA BUSH

What can I say about Jenna....From whore to Wholesome I guess. The first thing I notice about Jenna is that she has that same dead look in her eyes that her mother does. Little pools of black that sparkle with oil money. Now to be fair I liked Jenna much better when she was being a party favor for the frat boys and living it up texas style. That was fun and I mean she learned how to grow a coke nail from daddy so it made me happy to know she was continuing the tradition.

Fast forward to 2007 and Jenna is daddy's little angel being spun by bitchy blond PR girls from NY into an Angelic UNICEF volunteer and pushing a book on the public so we all know how wonderful she is...Well kids don't be fooled by the smokescreen PR gals can smoke up. My sister Rita who belongs to a UNICEF volunteer sect called "Ex Porn Stars for UNICEF" was in the same Latin America village at the time of Jenna's so called mission. Rita told me that Jenna flew in a Homeland Security Trailer with air conditioning and a satellite and a big screen TV so she wouldn't miss and episode of "Bad Girls" on BBC. She also had a generator to ensure that she had hot running water and was once seen kicking a small child who tried to get in for a shower, how cruel. Rita's friend Monica Mounds also reported that the only time Jenna left the trailer was to have her hair braided Bo Derek Style by some of the local ladies...She also had 2 assistants running around doing all of the work and getting her the story for the book, shame, shame on you Jenna.

The final straw was Jenna's appearance on "The Ellen DeGeneres show" when Ellen had her call Daddy... Poor Jenna was so scared and looked very wary to call but Ellen is demanding. Jenna said "They're going to kill me". "I'm going to be in so much trouble." She also added she was afraid she would get no Christmas presents. I think Jenna did one thing for us in this highly annoying TV appearance and that is show the world that we should be afraid of George W. Bush. If his own daughter is afraid of "daddy" then shouldn't we be....I bet he kicked the crap out of her when she got back to Washington....Poor thing, I think she should go back to drinking and drugging it was much more attractive on her...

#4. RACHEL RAY

Now kids no one was a bigger fan of RACHEL RAY in the beginning and I don't know how many times Berna and I watched "$40 a day" while drinking champers and eating a Rachel Ray 30 minute meal. She was so cute and cuddly and I just wanted to touch her and I got my chance at our local market when one day I ran into her when I was picking up a six pack for Glenda the Super.

I approached the little darling and told her how much we enjoyed the show and she was very sweet and even paid for the six pack, though she took one and stuck it in her purse but she is a drinking kind of gal so I didn't mind.

Fast forward to her face on Wheat thins,trisquits and dunkin donuts posters and her face on every other bus promoting her rather uncomfortable morning show. It is Rachel Ray Mania and the poor thing is now a shell of herself with a Brenda Vaccaro voice and the forced personality of Kathie Lee Gifford. I think things went downhill after she married that husband of hers. She probably over-extended herself so she can be out of the house as much as possible as not to get involved in any sex games. Rachel Ray is an example of what can happen when you get the "Oprah" stamp of approval so Obama better watch it...The Big O can be a double edged sword and poor Rachel fell right on it....It's not that I don't like Rachel but she is "Annoying by Over exposure". What really put me over the edge is that I heard she landed a record deal with Sony to do a CD of standards that mention food....OH god, haven't we suffered enough from Rod Stewart's standards..............................................

#3. MICHAEL VIC

Nothing makes MargOH! reach for the bottle more than a person who is cruel to animals. My own darling Kim Fung is fast approaching being the oldest living dog, she is about to turn 25 in April but some other dog in the Australian outback is like 28...but I hear they only feed it beans and veggies...if I gave that to Kim Fung she'd stink up my whole apartment. I've kept her on a diet of McDonald's french fries and yogurt for years...she's healthy as a horse well she's almost completely bald and has a bit of a yeast issue but who doesn't? yikes.....

Any who, what makes me most annoyed by Michael Vic is that he's too stupid to realize what he did is wrong. In his pathetic statement probably written by Whoopie Goldberg he obviously only had remorse that he got caught. I really have nothing witty to say about this because Dog fighting is the most idiotic "sport" followed closely by cock fighting, horse racing and dog racing. I think we should start throwing harnesses and saddles on broads wearing big hats and sipping on mint juleps and have them run the Kentucky derby while the horses relax and bet on the ugliest hat...really...

Michael Vic's a prick and though I know he is only a face to this horrible sport we should not forget this and help the animals when we can....

#2. ELLEN DeGeneres

Yes, that's right, every one's precious Ellen who I actually consulted with for many a year ago when I thought she was a Lesbian. I was actually on Betty DeGeneres's payroll and helped Betty feed information to Ellen about what to wear and how to be lesbian chic...me being Bi and all..I also gave Ellen dancing tips for her TV specials which led to her dancing on her talk show which I was totally against but she did it and it is as annoying as it can get.

Anyway I am convinced that Ellen's lesbianism was all a ratings ploy to save her then sitcom Ellen for another season. Listen I know it's chic now to say that being Gay is only a part of who I am but MargOH! thinks that is a bunch of crap. We all know that everyone does other things like work, have tequila shooter's with their friends, go shopping, fill out e-harmony profiles, go to school, make pot brownies but if you're sucking cock or licking pussy in between doing all of the other parts then you're a big Homo, lesbo, BiSexual, Tranny and or Men who have sex with men and or women who have sex with women so deal with it and express your inner Lesbian everyone and Ellen...don't run away from it, (whatever happened to "We're here, we're quire get used to it"), for mid morning television ratings and Emmy's.... What really made me question Ellen's sexuality was her tearful plea about the "dog" situation. Lesbian's don't cry on television unless they are having babies, suffering from an illness or getting their mullet cut off.

Ellen is annoying to me because of her becoming a poster child for "I'm like everybody else" campaign which I believe is halting a lot of GLBT issues like Gay marriage and employment discrimination for Tranny's which i will get more into on my "Most annoying Gays" list.

All in All even though Betty DeGeneres and I are old drinking buddies I can't help but be annoyed by Ellen's constant thirst for acceptance by middle America and I'm even more annoyed that she's doing it by running back into the closet and sucking up to Tom, dick and harry...

I'm convinced Ellen is Straight or at best "A woman who has sex with a woman"(thanks to Larry Craig who gave the media a new term to throw around "Men who have sex with Men" and "Women who have sex with Women") and to MargoH! that is annoying as hell...She was a Fine Lesbian when it was appropriate for her afterall...

#1. The "Real" Housewives of Orange County and all of their children

Kids, I've never been more annoyed than by this gaggle of ghouls and their horrible husbands and ungrateful devil spawn.

Kids, believe me I'm not bitter...I've had fame and fortune and then lived on the street then back on my feet to where I am now and I'm one Happy lady. I actually was a housewife when I was married to me ex husband child star Rodney Allen Rippy and gave up working for a spell. The thing is I don't ever once remember expecting Rodney to pay for the upkeep of my sagging body. This show should be called The "Nightmare" Housewives of Orange County.

These Chicks really need to wake up and realize that life isn't all about consumption. I've seen a pen of pigs consume less in a day than these hags suck up in an hour of boring television. These gals really need to realize that there is nothing real about their lives or at the least coming to the point that they realize they are privileged white people.

Right off the bat you can tell through their children what they are all about. These kids are so unaware about real life that they think Canada is a foreign country.

Now to be fair kids some of these ladies have jobs and have had past career's but all of their jobs just happen to be about selling something. This gives them a chance to act like helpless knuckleheads and think the only way they can sell things is by having their tits flopping out...I think the the founding fathers would think this was progress but I don't, it's guess what? kids ....Annoying....

In the end if they are not sucking up all the resources in the world they are selling it...and the kids, oh, the kids.

I really don't know what any of their names are and it doesn't matter because they are just as clueless. I especially love the girls that lost their father and all of their friends are just sad for them because they are poor now. Then there is the twenty one year old Ryan (well I remember his name) that gets tattoo's instead of a job and I really considered putting him on the "gay" list cause I think it's only a matter of time before he drops that Bomb.

In the end kids this show and these women are really annoying with all of their self imposed drama and need to out do one another. Then there is the plastic surgery, bad wigs and bottle blond highlights and fake friendships to add to the flavor. There is nothing real about these woman besides the fact that they all came from the ape like the rest of us....

It's like the great Divine said as Edna Turnblad

"I watch that tramp and I'm embarrassed to be white" but in this case it's those tramps "The Real Housewives of Orange County"


Honorable mentions

1. John Travolta for his horrific portrayal of Edna Turnblad in "Hairspray". I could have done much better and I did as his body double, you think it was him spinning like that...no it was MargOH! doing the dancing...

2. Ann Coulter who belongs on a list of her own somewhere far, far, far ,far away. She is more than annoying...........

3. Nicolas Cage and his teeth...


I'll be back kids with my most annoying Teen or young adult list and finally my most annoying gay list.

I feel so much better now after airing my grievances and look forward to starting off fresh in 2008 and ready for an annoying free year but something tells me that will last til January 2nd....

Kisses, MargOH!

"Where Life Begins" Chapter 2 Session 2

Hey Kids,

I've sorted through what was left of the sessions I recorded with Hester and had my gay Fiance MAN-ee put them on paper for me. I am still going forward with my auto-biography even though Hester was up to no good. It made me realize even more how important it is for me to tell my story. In the days of lack of talent and drive I think it is good for the young kids to know what it's like to struggle to be a star..don't ya think?

Hester Bones Crabtree- How was your swim?

MargOH!- Oh, delicious. You know Hester even though I left home at such a young age the sea is in my blood. I always feel my best when I'm near the water.

Hester Bones Crabtree- I feel the same way, I guess we're Maine girls at heart after all. Now we were just about to get to your leaving the hall and aunt Trudie

MargOH!- Oh, yes. I left the hall and wandered away from Sully and Rita. I could hear Rita say "Sully, Haddie's gone, where'd she go?". I'm not sure what Sully said in response but that was last I'd here there voices for quite a while, I feel sad about it now but at the time I just couldn't run any faster down 7th avenue I was banging into people and I fell a few times, I just ran and ran but then I almost came head on into a delivery truck and stopped dead in my tracks. I was so out of breathe that I lay on the sidewalk for a moment and looked up and couldn't believe that buildings went up that far, it looked amazing. It was then I realized that I was all alone with no where to go. I sifted through my jacket pockets and pants to find only two dollars and the bottle of jack I was holding for Sully. I thought "Haddie what in the hell are you going to do, where are you going to go?" Right at that very moment a Seagull landed right in front of me and stared deep into my eyes.

At first I thought "A Seagull on 7th ave?" but then it walked towards me and pecked me on the cheek oh so gently. It was like i was kissed by an angel because at that moment I heard the voice of my daddy salty say. "AAAArgggggh, don't forget you have your aunt Trudie that lives on Delancy Street". That's right, I thought my daddy salty told me he had a sister named Trudie that live on delancy street in NYC. He said she hated Sully and never came to visit. He also said she was a very eccentric woman who had been to prison on a morals charge.

So Hester I pulled myself up and that seagull jumped on my shoulder. It was like my guardian angel. I took a swig of that Jack to warm up my chill and set out to find Delancy Street. You know Hester that Bird stayed with me the whole time until I found the street and it pecked me again and flew off.

Hester Bones Crabtree- You know, MargoH! I bet it was your father, how touching.

MargOH!- yes, I believe it was salty looking out for me but I'd wish he'd stayed until I found her. I had to start asking people if they knew my Aunt Trudie. I was getting nowhere. So i did what any twelve year old girl would do or at least what Sully would do and I hiked up my skirt and got slutty or what I call "Sullying it up". I had everyone coming up to me in no time. Finally an old gal yelled out "Yeah Trudie owns the pub down the way, you know the one with the back room for the peppermint patties, if you know what I mean kid and she cupped my breasts. I didn't know exactly what she was talking about so I pushed her out of the way and ran down to the pub and ran inside and screamed out "Aunt Trudie"

Hester Bones Crabtree- You must have been relieved to find her, how exciting!

MargOH!- Well, Aunt Trudie wasn't the warmest person upon meeting me. She yelled out from behind the bar" Yeah, I'm Trude who in the hell are you?". She made her way from behind the bar. She looked nothing like my father, he was very thin but Aunt Trudie was a sturdy woman with big broad shoulders and tree trunk legs. She had several tattoo's and a broken front tooth. Then she gave me the once over twice, I started to tremble a bit. Then she said " Oh, wait a minute you gotta be my brothers kid, unfortunately you got your mother eyes but an awfully nice set of tits for a girl your age, what your name again, she added.

"It's Haddie, well Haddock but Haddie for short", I said. Trudie then responded " You're mother is a complete ass and cruel to have named you after stinky fish, she laughed a very hearty laugh for several minutes". I wasn't quite sure what to do then her face got stern again and she said " You runaway from home, Kid?". I answered " Yes". Trudie then said "well if you're gonna stay here you gotta work and you gotta change that name of yours then she opened up her big meaty Arms and said "Welcome to MargOH!'s kid", and i fell into her arms. Then she pulled me away and said "I'll just call you MargOH!, that's the name MargoH!, you can be like the pub mascot" she said.

Then she led me into the backroom and yelled out "Listen up all you dyke's butch and fem alike this is my niece MargOH! and she's gonna be staying with me for a while so keep your paws off her unless I say it's ok". I trembled and took a deep breath and realized the room had a faint smell of stale beer and pickled herring and I slumped my shoulders and said to myself "Yuk, just like Home".

Hester Bones Crabtree- So it seemed like you went from one unpleasant situation to another MargOH!

MargOH!- Well, I mean in a way. Aunt Trudie was very different from Sully, she wasn't as demanding or as mean but she'd slap you around if you got outta line, she never did with me, I actually think she loved me and after I told her salty wasn't my real daddy and that we weren't really related she really loved me if you know what I mean Hester.

Hester Bones Crabtree- Oh, dear. I think I get it, Oh dear!

MargoH! -The other thing about Aunt Trudie was that she was a performer in every way. You wouldn't know it by looking at her but she had a certain musical flare that was very exciting and her piano guy Morty was great, very similar to my piano guy Jarad. He had a way of playing for Aunt Trudie that made her sound pretty good. That night when I arrived she sang "Big Spender", it was fantastic, she growled through that song, it was her best number, well I mean she was that song, she lived that song. It was Aunt Trudie that really molded me and I was and am grateful to her. She made me tough and in this business kid that's what you gotta be tough.

Oh, dear I spilled my champagne, would you get me another Hester darling.

Hester Bones Crabtree- Oh, of course MargoH! Aunt Trudie is so fascinating, You obviously loved her, tell me more, here you go.

MargoH!- actually Hester I'm getting a little tired and the sun is too hot. Can we continue later.

Hester Bones Crabtree- Oh, yes of course but I'd like to get to your time in Bangkok as soon as possible.

MargoH!- Oh, really? Well we have a bit to go before that? Really, it wasn't my favorite time but we'll get to it,go chill another bottle of champers Hester.

Kids, I'll be back with more of my story and my year end lists...

Kisses, MargOH!

Judy

Hey Kids,

I post this every year but I just love it so, It is a sad song but one of my holiday favorites....

kisses, M

Joan Van Ark is blue

Hey Kids,

I was keeping this hush, hush but I attended Liz Taylor's return to the stage in A.R. Gurney's bittersweet play Love Letters. It was 2,500 a ticket so I raided Berna's Safe which she thinks I do not have the combination for but I do. She's been stockpiling union money from her job with Letterman...though she's been off due to the strike....She's in jersey, she only drops in to pick up clean panties..

Anyway I decided to call my old friend Joan Van Ark. I hadn't been to LA for a while and needed a place to stay. I did a couple of extra roles on Knot's landing, Joan and I became great friends. She would throw the most fabulous parties. She called them Joan's Ho-downs. One thing people probably do not know about Joan is that she can cook, she makes her own Hot dogs, sausages and the most amazing blueberry pie.

Joan was thrilled to hear from me and offered for me to stay at her place. I hadn't seen Joan in a long time so I was excited.

I got off the plane and Joan said she'd meet me at the baggage area. I got my bag but could not find Joan. I waited and waited until there was only myself and an Andy Warhol look alike waiting. I took off my sunglasses and then I heard someone yell out MargoH!. It was the Andy Warhol guy but Kids it was actually Joan. She ran over to me and hugged me. She said she didn't recognize me because i had lost weight. I told her I didn't notice her because she looked younger than ever. I of course was telling a fib. She looked terrible and actually quite frightening.

We hopped in her saturn vue, the green model. One thing I can say about Joan she is all for the environment. We chatted about the old days and I must have kept staring because Joan pulled over and demanded to know what I was staring at...She looked crazed. I said "Joan, I am staring at your face, really you look weird, almost plastic like and your lips are all blue". Joan replied " I have no idea what you are talking about, I've never had any work done, well just a little botox but everyone's doing that". I replied "Well what about the blue lips, did you accidentally get injected with anti-freeze or something". Joan replied " No silly, I've been making and eating my blueberry pies". We had a chuckle and kept driving.

We got to Joan's place and I couldn't believe my eyes when i saw blueberry pies everywhere. There had to be about 100 pies all over the kitchen. I asked if she was having a ho-down and she said no I eat blueberry pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner and she took her hand and grabbed some pie and shoved it in her mouth. Then she muttered how much she loved the show "Pushing daisies" and how she auditioned for Ellen Green's role but they told her she wasn't looking young enough. Then she slammed the pie against the wall. Hollywood can be so cruel. I made my way to my room and was thinking how happy I was that I was only staying the night.

I got dressed for the event and went back in the kitchen and Joan was there still eating pie with her hands and crying into her glass of wine. I really didn't know what to do so I decided to take the pie away, slam down the wine and clean her hands. I told Joan that she should go to my cosmetic reconstruction guy in Chinatown. I told her he did wonders for Farrah Fawcett. I gave her the card and she thanked me. I helped her get dressed and we were off. There was a lot of traffic and we were stuck so I told Joan I'd get out of the car and pass through the red carpet and wait for her. Really, I didn't want to walk down with her because I knew the paparazzi would be going mad about her face. I wasn't wrong, they snapped more shots of her blueberry pie face than poor Liz Taylor. Liz did look lovely even though she is in failing health and the performance was top notch.

Afterwards we went to a diner and I asked Joan why were stopping here and guess what. She wanted blueberry pie. Poor Joan, she really has been eaten up by the Hollywood machine....I told her years ago to do infomercials and call it a day but she insisted on doing Lifetime movies and look at her now. A blueberry pie eatin freak.

It's times like this that make me happy I decided to be an extra. I have no stress and look absolutely gorgeous....and compared to Joan I'm a goddess at 59....

Kisses, MargOH!

Berna's Deviled Egg Nightmare

Hey Kids,

I've been fielding calls from guests after my party telling me they have uncontrollable gastric problems. My possible PR gall Laura said she was asked to leave a cafe the day after for her farting overwhelmed the other patrons. I started to wonder if it was my crudite or my artichoke dip... Then i realized little Nellie Mckay hadn't complained and I know she doesn't eat live things so It must be Berna's deviled eggs.

I know Laura had eaten many of them and from her email message, she is still farting up a storm, poor thing. I know eggs usually can leave you a bit bloated but I'm sure Berna added something to it and I was right. She told me that she added three types of beans and flax seed to her receipe...who ever heard of such a thing. She said her mother would make this receipe when she was a little back up and it cleared her right out....

Well good for her but now my guests are having Deviled Egg Nightmares

It really is time for a new assistant, ya think...

Kisses, MargOH!

December is Fun

Hey Kids,

I always get really excited this time of year because it is time for my 3rd annual "Most Annoying" lists. I will do my usual Top 5 lists of "Most Annoying Straights" and "Most Annoying Gays". This year I've also decided to do a special "Most Annoying Teen or Young adult" category as well.

I'm sure you are all aware as to why I added that last category but the final straw was when by accident I watched " The real housewives of Orange county". It really is one of the most horrible shows I've seen in a while and those gals should be ashamed of themselves....Listen I'm 59 but I'm a girl at heart but really I do not act or dress like i'm 20....very sad.....

Watch out for my lists kids...They are gonna be hot this year!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

MargoH! in Gin Soaked Dreams

Hey Kids,

It's been an exciting couple of weeks with my show being such a success and my record “Fat Girl” starting to burn up the dance floors. Kids, MargOH! is on fire (and this time it’s not just my lady bits!)!!

After the show I had an after party for all of my friends and fans. Of course all the usuals were there…Polly Holiday, Glenda the Super, Linda Hunt and all my new friends from the UK... Dan, Phoebe, Alice, Katie, Kristina and Oli. My dear LaJon Joseph had performed in the show and he came over as well wearing his gorgeous green faux fur stole.

We also had a special guest, my gorgeous and lovely friend Nellie McKay. Berna was nowhere to be found (as usual whenever I do a show) so I had to have my Gay Fiance MAN-ee assist with it all. I sent him into a Gay Panic, poor thing. Berna did however manage to make deviled eggs for the party go figure. They were a hit so I guess she’s good for SOMETHING.

My martini club members Phoebe and Dan are just lovely and arrived with a bottle of Gin...Now of course I've been off Gin for a couple of years now after my treatment with Dr. Beefachaki who weened me off of it by substituting Sake. Well of course I couldn’t be rude and so dove into that gin like it was a swimming pool full of naked men and cheese. Polly Holiday immediately excused herself telling Glenda and my piano guy Jarad "If she's drinking Gin, I'm outta here! The last time she drank gin our ladies poker night turned into ladies STRIP poker night except she was ripping off everyone else's clothes! Poor Diane Keaton is still in therapy". Well screw Polly is all I can say. I don’t recall hearing her complain when I was slipping off her woolly turtleneck.

Anyhoo, Tanqueray tasted just as I remember, very sexy, sweet and smooth. I yelled to Polly "Kiss my Gin Soaked Grits"and then started seeing pretty fireworks going off all around me.

See the thing is when I drink Gin I can get a little crazy and start having bad thoughts.I started to think I should have another gay Fiance and how perfect little Danny would be. He is so petite, lithe and cute. Just the right fit for MargOH!’s collection. And he would fit splendidly in Berna's room.

More guests started to arrive and I decided to put my plan into action. I recruited Cuchie into it. I told her that I wanted to keep Danny for myself but first we would have to get rid of Oli (His boy toy). Not that I would do him any harm just at least give him enough Rohypnol to put him out for the night…I do have morals ya know. Cuchie of course gave me a hard time but I promised her my open toe payless patent leather pumps and she was on board.

I gave her the stuff to put in Oli's drink. I decided I would lure Danny into Linda Hunt's apartment next door as Linda’s housekeeper offered to let smokers go to her place rather than outside. Linda’s a sweet gal but I think she was just looking for reefers..she's such a stoner.

When I asked Danny over for a cigarette my initial plan to conk him over the head with a rubber mallet was sidetracked because that damn Ken from That's Kentertainment was there with his friend. Aaaargh!! He is so pesky. Well we were fighting over Danny's affections (Ken's also a huge flirt and a big slut) and I started to get worried they would ruin my scheme. I had to do something so I sent Kenny and his friend scurrying back into my apartment by telling them that Rue McClanahan had just arrived wearing an old outfit from The Golden Girls and carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels

Finally I was alone with my new gay fiancee (well Cuchie was hiding in the closet but he didn’t know that of course). I had a chance to run my fingers through Danny's hair and position his head in just the right angle for Cuchie to bonk him when Nellie, Phoebe, Alice and Katie walked in dancing to my song "Fat Girl" They started a sing along and doing a dance we used to call “kick the dog” back in my day. Phoebe was spinning so fast she looked like a disco ball in her cute sequin dress and Nellie really kicked up her heels better than that Marie Osmond ever could! Alice, who was dressed in a sequin skating costume once owned by Tonya Harding lifted Katie up into a gorgeous swan lift with a very gentle dismount....maybe she was channeling Tonya but anyway it was just spectacular. Gin really makes things like an acid trip to me.

Phoebe pulled me to the side and said she saw Linda Hunt stumbling around the apartment muttering incoherent things and then she disappeared. I didn’t understand what happened until Oli walked in all chipper and looking for Danny. Cuchie must have put the pills in Linda's glass!!!

Oli put his arms around Danny and even in my manic state I had to admit…they did look oh so cute together. Suddenly in a moment of clarity I thought...I don't need Danny in my curio cabinet like a collectible spoon I never get to lick, I already have my Gay Fiancee MAN-ee for that. And with the leftover Rohypnol I could always just have a one night stand with Danny, really!! No need to go to all of this trouble. I put down the gin and tonic and grabbed a champers instead and we all went back to my place and I busted into a saucy version of "Big Spender".

I eventually came out of my Gin soaked haze and had a fabulous time with the UK Kids. I just love and adore them. We sang more songs and ate cheese. My special Guest la John Joseph did another fabulous burlesque number and Jarad passed out in Linda’s apartment…hmmmm. MAN-ee kicked out Ken from "Thats Kentertainment" for trying to snap photo's of him and Nellie Mckay...really.

As the evening ended and everyone left, Cuchie cleaned up in hopes of getting her patent leather pumps and MAN-ee and I went off to bed. My side of the bed was very lumpy and uncomfortable. I kept trying to adjust my pillow but my back was killing me so I got up and lifted the mattress cover and found Linda and my dog Kim Fung fast asleep! I put a mirror in front of Linda's nose (just in case) and she fogged it right up!! What a gal our Linda!! I pushed them to the side and she slept spooning with MAN-ee for the night...

Oh! what an evening...

Clip from Show "fat Girl"

Hey kids,

I have linked a clip of my song "Fat Girl". The show got a little crazy and my crowd was nuts..I knew I shouldn't have passed out Nips of Gin to everyone...silly MargOH!

Kisses, MargOH!

Show Pics

Hey Kids,

I've been off the blog trail but will be back full force very soon. It's been a busy few weeks with my show and party and of course all of my UK kids!!

I've never met such a gorgeous and wonderful bunch of people in a long time. Phoebe, Dan, Oli , Alice, katie and the gang are all so special!! It makes me want to move to London and have fun with them all the time!!

We had a blast and will never forget my "Command Performance". it was a special night for me and the performance was about as good as I can get...LOL...Adding to the moment Nellie McKay came on stage and performed "Zombie" . I love her, she is one of my favorite artists of all time..very special gal!!

Here are some lovely pics Phoebe took. I will put some more up soon!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Berna's flown the coop again

Hey Kids,

Whenever I have a show coming up Berna flee's and is no where to be found. You all know she is head Gaffer at the letterman show so she really has stopped working for me. Now all I have is MAN-ee my gay fiance. I tried to get Cuchie back from Kathie Lee again but it was a no go.

I will be interviewing new wardrobe mistresses starting 12/1/2007. I am looking for a non live in situation this time so the position will be on an as needed basis. I do have a lot of needs so I'm sure whomever it is will be working their butts off and very tired.

I'll post a formal job description very soon.

Thank goodness I have my darling friend Princess McCool who fills in for Berna when she dissappears.

See ya at the party kids,

MargOH!

Happy Halloween

Hey kids,

Happy Halloween and kisses....I'm staying in and giving out Nips of vodka for the kids in the building. This will of course be wrapped in a tootsie roll package so the pesky parents don't see it....Vodka is medicinal after all!!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Gods Love we Deliver

Hey Kids,

Sorry I've been low on posts but I'm heavy into rehearsals for the show in November.

Just wanted to tell you I'm going to a Gala event on Monday. it's an awards banquet for Gods love we deliver. It's a very swank event and I'm sitting at Joan River's table. I'll try and snap a picture but Joan doesn't like close ups...not sure why??


I'll let you know who was there.....

Kisses, MargOH!

Sex in the City

Hey kids,

I've been so busy, I didn't let anyone know but I can let it out of the bag now. I've been cast as an extra in the film version of "Sex in the City". I am playing 3 different roles. The first is ice cream Clerk # 6 which was filmed at the Shake shack. My arm almost fell off making Cynthia Nixon a single scoop cone. She took like 75 takes just to say.. "I hate Brooklyn, I gotta move back to the village"... The problem was she kept getting Oreo cookie caught in her teeth..very Miranda season 1 but not in 2007...I of course suggested they use Vanilla ice cream but the director said it would ruin the look he was going for....whatever freak.

The second role was "Park attendant # 6". That was an easy day in Bryant park cause Kim Catrall is an old pro especially at playing an old whore. I do admire her so much and I kept ruining the scene because I couldn't stop looking at her sexy gams. Kim wasn't mad because she asked me to fan her in between takes and I did, she slipped me 100 bucks and a Nip of Absolute..very sweet!

The third role actually happened by accident when i was walking by Pat Fields trailer and she called me in to put my finger on a knot she was tying on a big flower for Sarah Jessica. The room was filled with enormous flowers and sissy boots...and a lot of Polka dots. I felt like I just entered a drag queen circus. Pat ended up asking me to help her out so I've bee sewing some of the costumes... well I decided to use double sided tape without Pat knowing. I really don't know how to sew. I heard that one of Sarah's flower bursts kept sticking to her face, poor thing but I did the best I could really.

The whole shoot was a lot of fun and I had a blast. Well, besides the food table. They only allowed veggies and beans....Kim was getting a little chunky and they were making sure she stayed thin enough for her costumes.

Kisses, MargOH!

Hester "Bones" Faketree

Hey Kids,

It's been a bit since I posted my last session with Hester because she seemed less and less interested in my story. Well we got stuck on a certain part and the questions became a bit in depth for me and I became uncomfortable. I of course am a good judge of character and Hester swept me off my feet but after couple of months she planted them back down hard.

I did a little digging via one of Berna's Union buddies and quickly realized that
Hester did not work for "The Bangor Shoppers Guide". I then called in Nicky Knockers to get more information and she quickly found out that Hester's real name was Jun Fun Swazuki Hartman. She was a detective hired by the Thai police to investigate my cabaret, bordello and escort service fire in Bangkok. Of course I quickly confronted her and told her to get the hell out, she was yelling that she'd get to the bottom of that fire and that I had committed insurance fraud.

Well, I certainly did not. That fire was completely accidental or set by Madonna. One day we were rehearsing a new show with Danny Devito when to my surprise my diva muse rushed in and asked for an order of Pad Thai. I barely uttered a sound when Berna yelled out, not knowing it was the material girl "We don't see food her just pussy". She screamed out fuck you, flipped me the bird and ran out in a huff. Poor Danny peed his pants and I was shaken and knocked over my "our father" candelabra I bought from eBay from The blond ambition tour. That set the stage curtain on fire, luckily Danny was still peeing so he put it out quickly.

Then about 15 minutes later the whole place was a blaze. I barely got out because I had to throw Danny on my back. Berna and the girls followed quickly. We were all safe but when i turned around the whole place was melting before my eyes.

Later we searched through the rubble and all I found was a red kabbalah bracelet with the smell of patchouli oils....

I did what any person would do and cashed in all my insurance policies and came back to NY. In my heart knowing that Madonna had done it. Berna thinks Danny didn't piss enough on the curtains but I still believe that Madonna set fire to my cabaret, bordello, escort service......I don't blame her, she was hungry.

Take that down Hester or I mean Jun Fun. Fuck that bitch....

Don't worry Kids I've brought back Cuchie to take down my memoirs and I start up again right after the show.

Kisses, M

Liza Cares For Britney too.

hey Kids,

A little fun quote from Liza...from one diseased lady to another...How charming!

I love my Liza and I am glad she is thinking of Britney....

Kisses, MargOH!

Vodka Saves Lives

Hey Kids,

My gay fiance MAN-ee came across this article which proves the point that I have been trying to make for years. Vodka can be medicinal. Look at me I'm 59 and look 39. I mean really what more proof do we need...

110% I think...

Kisses, MargOH

MargoH!'s for Boobs

Hey Kids,

Last evening I attended a benefit for the Avon Breast cancer walk. My martini club member Chris Tuttle did the walk which was 36 miles, yikes, break out the booze for that kids...

The event last night was the celebration for the walk and to cap off the 30K that Chris's team raised for breast cancer research. It was also Chris's Birthday so we had a gay old time and were treated to a fabulous show.

Here are some pics of the evening which include one of my favorite gals of all time "Madame", Joe Kovaks, My Gay Fiance "MAN-ee", High Kicking Edie, the Lovely June Bug and Traila Trash, DJ Brenda Black, oh yes of course Chris Tuttle himself.

It was a fun evening and I'm always happy to support boobs any way I can.

Kisses, MargOH!

PS- There is also a picture of myself and two lovely ladies who i do not know but they just had to have a picture with MargOH!..Kisses

Berna's Tomato Sauce smells

Hey Kids,

Berna was off on an adventure all of last week. Berna is still working on the letterman show and is always off with one of her union buddies doing god know's what. She's not cleaning this house that's for sure...Poor Hester has been picking up her slack and the poor thing is so tired we haven't done the sessions for my book in two weeks.

Berna shows up last night with 3 huge bags of tomato's and says she's making sauce for me. I of course was thrilled that she was going to do something so I gave her my blessing and ran out for a mani-pedi. I came back and when I opened the door the whole place smelled like crap. I grabbed Kim Fung and asked her if she did a doo-doo but she didn't look guilty. I looked in the toilet because sometimes Berna forgets to flush..nothing in there.

I went to the kitchen and it got stonger in there. Berna didn't smell anything as she was tossing the sauce into my rice pasta with some basil. I could smell Garlic, basil and dung... It turned me right off. Hester was starving from all of her cleaning so she ate it. She said if you held your nose it tasted just fine but I decided to have a rice cracker and a glass of bordeaux...

So there we are watching the 11 O'Clock news and a story pops up about wild tomato's growing in Hoboken. A woman is saying that they are from raw sewage that pools in this area everytime there is a heavy rain...Someone told this woman that the tomato seeds don't get digested and they are growing out of the waste (people's crap).

Then Berna plops down and starts telling us how her friend at the letterman show gave her all of those tomato's for free and he had plenty more coming. She said she was going to make a tomato soup on Friday.

She added there is nothing like a Jersey tomato.

I asked her where her friend lived and she said Hoboken. She added he's been picking them in some open field....

Poor Hester jumped up and ran into the bathroom and started vomiting up her crap pasta.

I rewound the DVR to let Berna here the story but she just didn't get it until I said

"You're tomato sauce smells like shit".

Kisses, M

Sully offers herself up

Hey Kids,

First Jenna Bush, now this!!

Sully calls me this morning and says she's feeling maternal and wants to have another Baby....I immediatly hung up and called the Fishmonger's retirement home's medical guy Dr. Troutsworth and asked him to adjust my mothers medication right away.She's must be taking too many HRT's or viagra.

She called me back and told me about the story linked here. How a woman gave birth to her own grandchildren in Brazil and Sully wants my egg. She also added she'd like Keanu Reeves to be the sperm donor...She's gone mad, she's 86 and obviously out of her mind.

I decided long ago not to reproduce and stop the channing family tree from growing any more. I had to cut off the insanity with me...though I am the most adjusted and sane Channing there is including Carol and we aren't even related. I did have that little scare with Stoli but I was only the port and still have no biological children...

Oh yes, did this woman's daughter ever think of adoption...

This story gives the line "Grandma's got a treat for you" to a whole new level...

Kisses, MargOH!


PS- Sully has been taken off her HRT's and is strapped to her bed at the moment just in case...

A cold and airy wind blew

Hey kids,

When I woke up this morning I had a chill running through my bones. I had Hester "Bones" Crabtree make me a cup of tea. Hester is hard at work putting out sessions together...

Anyway I put on the BBC news and what do I see...Jenna Bush looking like a devil's spawn...i.e. a mix of both her mothers soulless eyes and her fathers stupid grin and a huge head, a very big head for a girl. She's on a book tour...It's written something...

Now this book is a non-fiction work about a teenager living with HIV/AIDS in Africa. I'm not going to comment on the book and maybe will have a few drinks and get it out of the library to see what it is about...Maybe there is something in that big head that differs from her parents ignorance...we'll see...

I'm still a bit chilly. I must say

Kisses, M

Nellie McKay = Magic

Hey Kids,

The one thing I really love about living in New York City is that I am able
to attend some wonderful events.

Last night my darling "Gay Fiance" MAN-ee, Berna , the lovely Nicole Horton and myself dragged our asses to Williamsburg. Yes, Williamsburg....even on the L train...If you don't know about the L train let me just say MargOH! was so overheated that my waterproof mascara became liquefied and I looked very Emo...so i fit right in...

The trip was well worth it and not just because of the special brownies our pal Nicole made but for my darling Nellie McKay.

Nellie is one of those performers who has it...I'm not sure what "it" is exactly..is it her sense of nostalgia?, is it her vintage style?, is it her charming wit?, is it her sparkling rich voice? Well i think "it" is all of those things.

My darling Nellie came out onto the stage with her books of music and dropped it on the floor in a heap. It has become her signature and what a fun entrance.

The first thing you notice about Nellie is her striking vintage flare... it's not easy to wear vintage clothes but she always chooses the perfect dress for herself. Last night it was a pink dress with a chiffon overlay ,very cute.

Then it's the voice which over the years just gets better and better. It has become very rich and full of warmth especially in the song "I am Nothing". Nellie of course can get cheeky and she does on "Mother of Pearl" and "Pounce". My favorite part of the evening was when she did a tribute to Kitty Carlisle Hart. Nellie said she felt so bad when she came to see "Threepenny Opera" because of all the foul language and that she was dressed in a yellow suit and looked like a very elegant bumblebee. Nellie then busted into " A night at the opera" in the 30's style that it was originally sung by Kitty and it was fantastic and spot on.

It was a fabulous evening and Nellie is in great form and I just think she is the tops. She is a modern day Peggy Lee, bold, brassy, cute and sassy.

We spent the evening sitting with her mom Robin and I must say she is a great lady. I told her Nellie is magic to me and she smiled knowing exactly what I meant...


Kids get your asses out and buy Nellie's new CD "Obligatory Villagers". It's fantastic!!

Kisses, MargOH!

New Show Promo

Hey Kids,

In honor of my international fans MargoH! is doing a command performance of "What makes a legend drink most?".

I plan to be on fire that night so get your asses to the duplex cabaret mother fuckers...

Kisses, MargOH!

Brett Somers

Hey Kids,

One of my favorite drinking pals has passed away. Brett Somers and I worked together on a Love Boat episode and became fast friends. She was a one of a kind gem and she will be missed.

I recall one time being invited to her house for a party when she was married to Jack Klugman and I had a blast. It was the seventies kids and it was a key party if you get my drift. That's when everyone swaps partners for a bit of the sex... It was my first and unfortunatly I picked Tony Randall....I loved Tony but he wasn't interested in banging me so we grabbed a cocktail and made moaning and groaning noises...I think he wanted Jamie farr from MASH but didn't have the balls to say so... He used this story for years to say he was straight...mmmm.

Anyway Brett was a blast and she was funny as hell. It was her natural state of being. She didn't have to try and be funny, she just was. Comic Genius!

The Pic I posted is of Brett and Charles Nelson Reilly, a great comic duo...

If you get a chance check out a "Match Game" episode or "The Odd Couple".

She was a real dame.

Kisses, MargOH!

MargOH! RAW: A Command Performance

Hey Kids,

I just booked a show , November 13 @ 9:30pm. I will be returning to the Duplex cabaret in the village. It's good to be in gaysville...

My friends from the UK are coming so I am doing the show and throwing an after party at my pad. Berna's going to get cleaning and sprucing up the joint.

See ya at the party kids...

Kisses, M

Chapter 2 "WHERE LIFE BEGINS" Session 1

Hey Kids,

Here is the first session of chapter 2 "Where Life Begins". We recorded these sessions in Provincetown while vacationing. We had so much fun and being by the ocean really made all my memories even more colorful and vivid.


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- MargOH! do you need a hat or anything. The sun is so hot today.

MargOH!- Oh, no Hester. I love the sun and I need it today and I also need that hunk over there, yawza, very sexy. My goodness, the beach is so gorgeous today.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Yes, he is cute isn't he. Yes, it is gorgeous but really hot, I'm sweating like crazy.

MargOH!- Here, let me spritz you with this (spritzing hester with water).
Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Is that vodka?, it smells of booze.

MargOH!- Yes, I put a little in the water spritzer, it's good for the skin you know Hester

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- I wasn't aware vodka was good for the skin

margOH! Oh, well That's what Sully says, so who knows(Laughing). Now , lets start with me leaving home today. If we need to go back about Sully or Salty we can. I just think this is the most important part of my story.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Sully has many odd home remedies (laughing) fish oil, vodka, I wonder what will be next (laughing). Yes, MargOH! of course we can start wherever you want.

MargOH!- Things were going horrible and mother was drinking more. I'd stopped going to school for the most part to help at the fish shop. Then one day Sully comes running in the store screaming and jumping up and down. She said there was a huge haul of Tuna coming in and that we were going to make a ton of money. Then like two minutes later loads of Tuna started being dumped off at the shop. It was insane, Rita, myself and Sully stated skinning a deboning right away. It was a bloodbath in that store with fish bones and carcases all over. We had to shut down for two days just to clean up. It was disgusting but that Tuna did as Sully said. Made her a ton of money. She of course ran out and bought new outfits, jewelry and like twenty pairs of shoes. She did give Rita and myself one full outfit, wow. She was so kind. Then she told us she was going to buy a car and was missing for two days. When she came back without the car I asked her where it was and she told me she decided to take us on a trip instead.

She grabbed me by both arms and told me we were going to New York City for a week. The she started crying and sobbing that we were also going to see Judy, Judy Garland that is, Live and in concert at Carnegie hall.


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Wow, MargoH! You must have been excited?

MargOH!- Oh, sure. It was more like disbelief. I couldn't believe that I a daughter of a fishmonger was going to see Dorothy live and in person. It was 1961, a year I will never forget. I was twelve and at that moment my world seemed glorious. Then Sully slapped Rita and I with the fact that she only had enough money for one ticket to the concert so she loaned us out to shuck oysters down at Fulton Fish market for one of her buddies for 5 days. I should have known that there was a catch. Sully was notorious for giving you something with strings.


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- How sad? You'd already worked so hard on the Tuna.

MargoH!- Yes, but I was used to Sully and her games. To me I just was so excited about going to New york and seeing Judy, it was worth it in my eyes. it turned out to be very hard work and our hands were bleeding by the end of it. You see all the scars on my hands, that's from that week.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Ouch! I see. You poor dear.

MargoH!- That wasn't the only thing bleeding, I got my first visit from my little friend that week. I asked Sully what to do and she said stick some tissue down there and don't bang anyone until I was eighteen.


Hester "Bones" Crabtree-Oh, dear! That is terrible.

MargoH!- Luckily it wasn't a very heavy flow that time so I just did what she said but I used a sock instead. The other thing that was bleeding was my nose when we got to our seats. We were so high up, it was scary. Once the overture started though it didn't matter. It was like magic. Judy walked onto the stage like she was walking on air. She then started to sing "When you're Smiling". Her voice boomed to the rafters. I started to shake and tears filled my eyes until a steady stream ran down my face. I looked to Sully and she also looked touched until I realized she had fallen asleep with her eyes open so I shook her and she yelled out get me another scotch and then slumped down in her chair.

I just looked back at the stage and as I watched Judy belt it out I knew I wanted to be a star. I then looked at Rita and grabbed her hand, then I realized that I couldn't go back to Bangor. That concert changed my life (sobbing). When we left that hall that night I broke free from Rita's had and got lost in the crowd. I remember exactly what i said. "See ya later Sully", then I turned back to the hall and said "Thank you, Judy"(crying and grabbing for tissue).


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- What a moment for you MargOH! I think we should stop here.


MargoH!- Yes, that's good. I'm going to take a dip in the ocean. When I get back I'll tell you about my Aunt Trudie.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Aunt Trudie? can't wait.

Kisses, MargOH!

Britney

Hey Kids,

I really am wondering who is handling Britney at the moment because they are doing a terrible job.

I wish her mother had taken me up on my offer for Berna and myself to manage her. I would have put Britney in a long sultry gown and had her belt out a ballad at the VMA's after a month of voice lessons of course.

It is obvious that she was pumped up on xanax or oxycontin or a horse tranquilizer because of her motionless body, that girl was relaxed....

What is really shocking is that her people do not realize that throwing her in skimpy outfits just doesn't work any longer. You can tell she knew she stunk and the choices being made for her and by her are just plain stupid.....

I'm calling out to Britney to let me handle her career and she will be back on top...MargOH! knows how to spin shit into gold and potato's into vodka...

Britney Lets work it girl!!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Chapter 1 "Little Star" Session 4

Hey Kids,

Here's the 4th installment of Chapter 1...



Hester"Bones" Crabtree- Wow, MargoH! It must have been horrible to lose your father so suddenly and then find out he wasn't your father at all?

MargOH!- Yes, Well, no. I think I blocked that out at the time and made believe she never said it. The only daddy I knew was my daddy Salty and I loved him, Rita and I both did. I think we were the only ones that thought he was a good man. The rest of the family thought he was a screw-up. I mean he had a few problems but who doesn't.

Hester"Bones" Crabtree-What kind of problems, drinking?

MargOH!- Oh, well everyone in my family were booze hounds so they always looked at it like and I quote Sully "We're not drunks, we just like to drink, there is a big difference"(laughing). I kind of took on that motto, Hester! Berna get me another martini (laughing). The problem was that Daddy secretly liked transsexuals. He had a fascination with Ed Wood and would watch that movie Glen or Glenda over and over on his projector along with some other tranny reels he had. He was either working in the fish store or in the shack watching porn. He loved us though and always gave us candy and ice cream.

Hester"Bones" Crabtree-Well, at least you knew he loved you as if you were his own?

MargOH!- Oh, I think he thought I was his, Sully never told him about Briney.

Hester"Bones" Crabtree- Oh, I see. It's all a bit confusing. Did you ever try to find Briney?

MargOH!- No, not at all. There wasn't any time. I was eight years old and was put to work in the fish shop. Rita and I were like Sully's little slaves. She would open the store and stay a few minutes and then run to the local pub "scuppers" for a few boiler makers then return and slump in her chair. We were always taking orders, waiting on customers. I was tall for my age so I could see over the counter. Rita did most of the skinning and deboning. God, I hated it especially shucking oysters.

I told "Snappy" I wanted to move in with her but they had no room with all the butlers they had. Plus, she pretty much cut off Sully after daddy died so she hardly came around. She also treated me a bit different after Sully spilled the beans about my real father. Instead of calling me her "Little Star" she called me her "Little Orphan Haddie"(grabbing tissues and sobbing).

Honestly, I was never convinced that this Briney person was my father. Sully slept with a lot of the merchant marines and fisherman. It could have been any one really. This portion of my life from eight to twelve were really dark for me. I knew I had to leave Bangor but didn't know how to. I knew why I had to leave but didn't know the when and the where.

Hester"Bones" Crabtree- MargOH! you had a lot to deal with at a young age, very traumatic. I'm not sure how you made it through?


MargOH!- I think I always knew I would pull myself out of the tragic elements of my life. You learn how to deal with life when you are looking from the bottom up. I'm not saying I'm unique, Hester. If you can take those little positive things in your life, even if it's being called "Little Star". That's something to build on and I had the sense to know that, Hester. Do you know what I mean, Hester?

Hester"Bones" Crabtree- Yes, I do understand (tears, blowing nose). You still are that "Little Star" looking up aren't you

MargOH!- Well,....

Hester"Bones" Crabtree- No, that's a rhetorical question, I know you are. I think this is a perfect ending to chapter one. Let's start chapter two in Provincetown.

MargOH!- Oh, grand. Yes, being by the ocean will inspire me, by all means lets pick up down there.


Kids, we'll be back with chapter 2..

Is this what NYC has become? (Very sad)

Chapter 1 "Little Star" Session 3

Hey Kids,

Here is the third installment of the book..

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Now MargOH! you spoke of a scandal about your step grandfather Jonathan Jones. What was it all about?

MargOH!-(Burp)Oh, excuse me, that cheddar cheese is so heavy. The scandal, mmm. It devastated "Snappy". She was a quivering mess. It really was a shame. Jonathan was caught giving a hummer to a sailor in the bathroom at "Scuppers".

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Whats so bad about Humming MargOH!?

MargOH!-(Laughing, Laughing and more Laughing) You really are from Maine aren't you dear. A Hummer is a special word for cock sucking, giving head, a blow job Hester.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Oh! dear. I didn't know. That is terrible

MargOH!- Well, I mean it's really not terrible, I 've given quite a few in my day Hester. It can be rewarding.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- No, I meant for your grandmother, she must have been devastated.

MargOH!- Yes, of course. "Snappy" was very proud. I think she was more upset that he did it in the bathroom. I remember them arguing about it and she said "Why couldn't you just suck it here you idiot, now everyone knows you are a queen". He was pretty stupid, even Sully knew to do everything behind closed doors. After that Jonathan lost his credibility and lost most of his local business. Not that he stopped sucking cock, mind you. "Snappy" started hiring rather gay butlers after that to keep Mr. Jones in the house. She really was a smart woman and she even hired one for herself. In the end they were a very happy couple. We moved out right after that mess. My daddy "salty" finished the new house. It was cute, it had a bathroom, very swank (laughing).

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- How many rooms did this home have?


MargOH!- it was huge, it was a cape style. I think it had 6 or 7. Rita and I had our own rooms, so it was 3 bedrooms. Daddy did a great job, it was pretty. Of course Sully complained about everything. She drove him mad with her complaining, nothing was good enough for her. She became more of a nightmare when she won the state chowder cook off at the local fair. It was actually a lobster bisque. It was the first time a bisque had won. She ran around the house drinking scotch and making demands saying "I'm the chowder queen and you must do as I say". She rubbed it daddy's face because he entered his seafood chowder and didn't place, he was defeated.

Please, I won "Little Miss Crabclaw" at the fair and it wasn't even acknowledged. Well "Snappy" was there. One of the butlers made me this fabulous gown, with a fishtail of course. I performed one of "Snappy's" original songs "Blow Jonny Blow". It was a big hit. Sully even took my tiara and wore it, she was such an attention hog , really.

I was almost eight when Sully went too far and daddy got really drunk on his shine, they had a big fight. He broke her chowder cook-off trophy and she went ballistic. Rita and I were hiding under the table for the devil came out of that woman that night. I swear her head spun around and everything. She tried to stab daddy but he got out of the house. It was the last time we saw him (MargOH! grabs a tissue, crying)

Berna Bring me a dirty martini, I'm not sure if I can go on.


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Are you OK? MargOH!, its important we get the whole story. Berna make me one too.


Berna- Oh, sure! I'll get it for you Hester. Oh, Please stop that whining, at least you had a father ya old whore. here's your drinks. it's only 8:30 am ya know. Guess the 12pm rule is out the door.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree-Berna, do you have t be so mean, really. This is not easy for MargOH! It's hard to go down memory lane.

MargOH!- Oh, that's okay Hester, Berna's a mean old bitch, no matter(Takes a Huge sip). Get me another Bern.

Now, yes. I can do this. It was the last time we saw daddy alive, that is. He stumbled out of the house. He was missing for a week before they found him by the Jetty down in Bar Harbor. They said they found him dead covered in Starfish, sucked alive. I'll never forget it. Ranger Bob came to the door and told us daddy was dead and Sully didn't even cry. She took the starfish Ranger Bob gave her that he said they pulled off his mouth and handed it to me and said. "Here's something to remember your father by. I started to cry. Then Sully said "Don't cry Haddie(MargOH!'s real name), he wasn't your real father anyway, your real father is a man named Briney Boggs".

I stood there in shock holding a dead starfish (crying). Rita hugged me and Sully gabbed her purse and left the house. I felt very alone and confused.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- My goodness, MargOH! I didn't know. How horrible! I think we should take a break.

MargoH!- Yes, that would be best. I need to call my agent Shecky anyway and see why Willard Scott got my voice over gig for "Smuckers". That old coot!


I'll be back...

Kisses, MargOH!

I'll be back

Hey Kids,

I'm feeling much better. Hester and I are putting the next section of Chapter 1 up soon...And I'm getting a new video camera to use this new video blogger thingy....Thanks for your patience kids...August has been a crazy month..

Kisses, MargOH!

MargOH!'s got the Flu

Hey Kids,

I can't believe it...I've got the bug, the flu, the rickets or whatever you want to call it... I haven't been this sick since 1978 when I got ill after making out with Disco sally at studio 54, she had some sort of fungus on those denture's.. anyway...

My doctor told me that this may be a warning sign of the menopause...I doubt it, Sully, that's mother is 86 and still is fertile and zesty. I think I've been staying in too much..after the last shows I was pooped so I've been bunkered in. I think I've got to dust of my webs and head out for a party....

Berna get me a bottle of ginger brandy and some tabasco..I gotta get rid of this sore throat and get my ass outta here.

I'll be back this week with more of my memoirs so stay tuned..

Kisses, MargOH!

Chapter 1 "Little Star"

Hey Kids,

This is my first post towards chapter one. Hester is recording everything so this was our first session word for word. I will be posting this as it was recorded but Hester is creating chapters for my book. How exciting?

Kisses, M

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "Good Morning, MargOH! Can I get you a juice or coffee before we start

MargoH! Channing- "Good Morning, Hester. Did you sleep well? Are you sure sharing the bed with Berna is not too much? Juice...as long as there is champagne in it dear".

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "OH, Miss Channing of course. I'm sorry, let me get you a mimosa."

MargOH! Channing- "Yes, dear that would be best and please call me MargOH!, Miss. Channing is for Carol and please put the drink in that 36oz champagne glass. The first chapter will be hideous to get through".

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "Here you are Ms., Oh, I mean MargOH! Let me fluff up that pillow. I love the Sete' you bought for this, it's gorgeous".

MargOH! Channing- "Thank you, hopefully Berna won't get it dirty".

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "Where would you like to begin? Your career, your childhood? we can go in any order you would like"

MargOH! Channing- "The beginning of course, I think I'll start from the beginning, I think that's best Hester but please get me another Mimosa first"

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "You're done already, Oh, of course MargOH!"

MargoH! Channing- "Just bring the champagne, forget the juice"

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "Here you are, ready, okay here we go. MargOH! where were you born?"

Working Title- An Unscripted life- The True MargOH! Channing


Chapter One- "Little Star"

I was born May 20, 1948 in a boat on a small pier in Bar Harbor, Maine. The family actually lived in Bangor but my daddy worked the piers as he was a Fish monger. My mother Sully said she was hauling haddock off a boat when she started to go into labor. I was born in 8 minutes after her water broke, so she says. In later years she started calling me Orca after that movie came out because she said I spilled onto the deck. Unfortunatly she decided to name me haddock, haddie for short because of the circumstances.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- So your real name is Haddock? How facsinating. What was your home life like?

It was always hectic. Making a living off of fish is hectic and tiring work. My daddy Salty worked very hard and he tried his best to provide for us. He was a third generation Fish monger and for some reason still lived in the family home. The home was actually a shack that my great grandfather built but my daddy added rustic floors he got from a shipwreck and a second floor. We had no running water or plumbing though and I still can remember the smell of fish and crap. It stunk! The shack was very small with a living area and woodburning stove/cooker thing. The second floor had two bedrooms and that was it. I remember my parents fighting all the time about the shack and Sully screaming that we needed to move. She got her wish when I was 2, no it was 3. Sully accidently fell asleep smoking one of her cigarettes and the place went up in minutes. We all got out because one of the walls just fell over, it was that rickety. You know I was a small child but I remember everything, isn't that strange Hester? I think it was all the fish oil, all those anti-oxidents...


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Hmmmm


We then moved in with my grandmother "Snappy" Channing who had divorced my grandfather Sammy and married a wealthy Lumber Tycoon named Jonathan Jones. It is the house that Stephen King now owns. I remember being very excited about our new surroundings with grand staircases, fresh lush linens and toilets.

My grandmother was a very elegant woman and a smart dresser, thus her nickname. I'm not even sure what her real name was. I'll have to ask Sully. I do know one thing she hated my mother, mmm and my father as well. I think she hated my mother because they were very much alike, very strong willed and wanting more. She hated my father because she percieved him as weak. I think he was just gentle and was misunderstood. Grandmother loved me though. I remember her sitting at the grand piano singing shanty songs to me. She liked me to dance along and she told me I had lots of talent and that I was going places. She called me her "Little Star". I never could get that step -ball-change down, I didn't have any talent, really.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Miss Cha.., I mean MargOH!, you are very talented.

MargoH! Channing- Thank you, talented, not really, driven yes. Talent is in the eye of the beholder, Hester. It's what you make them feel...the more connection to them the bigger the talent. I don't get Tom Hanks, do you Hester? He makes me feel like crap. Get me another bottle of Champagne hester. Judy Garland had the most talent of all..Oh, Judy.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Oh, yes! One moment. Here you go, squeeze, not pop, right got it. Tom Hanks, he's okay. I think we're off track, Your grandmother.


Oh, yes. We lived with her for 2 years. My father built us a new house all on his own. Hester Can we take a break...I have to drop it on the one.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Um, Oh , sure. Drop it on the one? MargOH!

MargOH!- I have to do number two Hester...

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Oh, let me shut this off...