Of course you know I'm back for a spell and last night the shit hit the fan.
Stoli came a knockin and Berna went apeshit. She lost her kool and demanded that she leave at once. I of course stepped in to make sure she stayed so I could get the info out of Berna.
Well we all sat down and Berna denied any involvement in the matter at all. I knew she was lying so i brought out the guns, well a package of double-stuff oreos. She started talking like mad. She's such a sucker for Oreo's but since the bypass she can only eat a few, poor dear.
Anyway she said that "Stumpy Jones" had followed us to Bangkok after we fled from "The Rodeney Allen Rippy Fan Club". Berna said that she gave me a little too much valium to calm my nerves. I was pretty much out of it for about a week after we landed. She added that "Stumpy" was hot for me and that he kept trying to sneak into the hotel room and Berna kept trying to keep him out but she said he must have slipped in because a few months later I started gaining weight. I said
"I'll say he slipped in", "it was a rape', "You're a rape baby Stoli"
She slapped me in the face and said that her father was not a rapist and she said it was my fault becaus of the way you used to ride on his wooden leg after he would take it off in between filming scenes from "The apple dumpling gang rides again".
I said " Oh, please.. I wasn't riding it, I had gotten crabs from Neil Sedaka, he was such a manslut back then"
Then i turned to Berna "So I was Pregnant?", I yelled.
She replied "Yes"
I screamed in agony and ran for the mini bar....
"How could I not Know" i said.
Berna replied, "I kept feeding you pills thinking you would miscarry but you didn't" "You were eating so much Pad thai that I convinced you that you were bloated".
Stoli chimed in "You two are horrible"
"Now I remember" I said. "Thats why on opening night of my 25 seat cabaret, bordello, escort service Toni Basil told me I looked pregnant and I should lay off the soy sauce and then ran on stage and nailed "Mickey".
"God, I can't believe this". Thats also why "Stumpy" stayed around mopping the floors and scrubbing the toilets.
Berna added... "When you were in the 9th month you started going into Labor but I told you it was a gal bladder attack and that you had to have it removed" "I had given you way too many drugs, You don't remember"
"Why", I asked
Berna said, "We couldn't have a baby, we were movers and shakers and I loved you, I wanted you all to myself".
"Yuk", i said
Stoli, chimed in.."Yeah so now it makes sense, you had cooked up the scheme to have my dad take me after the birth, just like he said"
"He did a good job didn't he, Berna's right, i couldn't have been a mother" "He did a great job, look at you, gorgeous but your name is a bit odd"
Berna yelled out "You named her, after the birth you were asking for a Stoli on the rocks and the nurse thought you wanted to name her Stoli and Stumpy kept it that way"
"Oh God, sorry dear"
I can't write anymore so I'll do a part 2....