Whenever it seems like things are going well, lots of work lined up, writing new shows, traveling to foreign lands...I always have something screwing all the fun up and yes it is usually Berna but this time it is my Aunt Fawn. She's driving me crazy. It was bad enough my mother was here for 4 days. She drank everything in the house including all of my Ny-quil...thankfully she eats very light though the smell of canned salmon was making me gag, that's all she eats , canned salmon on crackers and sometimes with Velveeta piled on...
Anyway, Aunt Fawn has come up with the idea of making a comeback in competitive skating, she's 73 but claims she can still do her famed double toe wally. She told me that she was going to contact Carlo Fassi for coaching but I reminded her that she'll have a hard time getting in touch because he died in 1997. In a beat she said "screw him, I'll get John Nicks then". She called him but he hasn't replied yet...mmmmm.
She swears that if she trains she'll be able to do triples in no time and compete at nationals next year. In the meantime she dragged out my sewing machine, blew the dust off, asked me for 20 bucks for materials for a new skating outfit. Now there is cut up spandex and feather's everywhere and she has broken 2 lamps doing the choreography for her routine to "Fire Bird".
I gotta get her outta of my place...She also asked me for 75 bucks to get started on Jenny Craig so she can get down to training weight.....I told her to get a damn job then handed her some lemons, maple syrup and Cayenne pepper and said do the lemonade diet...it's faster..
Kids, I'm scared