Friday, April 28, 2006


Hey Kids,

Things got a little out of hand this week.

My sister Rita was in town promoting her new flick "Granny wanna Cracker". My sister Rita does porn and is staging a comeback of sorts. This is her first movie in about 10 years and she is mixing it up with all sorts of young porn amateurs, yikes.

I decided to throw a party and invited the usual suspects Mickey and Jan Rooney, Liz Smith, Polly Holiday, Mindy Cohn, Al Sharpton and Nellie McKay. I added a few new ones to the list like Paul Rudd and Julia Roberts, poor Julia needs a party after her reviews mmmm. Berna added her hot list like Glenda the Super and Robin Byrd.

Little did I know Rita invited the cast from "Granny Wanna cracker" and it turned into a regular Caligula's den. Dame Shirley bassey even came a knocking to find out what all the moanin and groanin was about and got pulled into the action. She really blasted out a fabulous version of "Goldfinger". There was this one guy from "Granny" named JJ and he was a bit nuts, I think he was on ecstasy because he started going down on Glenda in the hallway and boy did her get a surprise. Glenda's packin a 9 incher under those panties but he adapted. I'm not sure he even realized Glenda hasn't had the full change and was a man gone wild.

This of course prompted a call to the police by another neighbor who in turn called the president of the co-op down to our floor. She really flipped out and flew into a republican rage. I tried to calm her down but she could not believe the sex act she had just set her eyes on, she fainted and I brought her back with a sniff of mad dog. She grabbed the bottle and sucked down some and said "I never". That is the first time I had ever heard anyone actually say it so I actually said "I bet you never had and slapped her in the face.

She calmed down and Glenda and "Granny man' got their shit together and moved it into the maintenance closet. I looked around and realized the cop was dancing suggestively with Mindy Cohn. He was shouting out " I can't believe I'm dancing with Tootie". Poor Mindy set him straight by repeating "It was Natalie and then kissed him". She's such a slut!!

The party finally ended and I thought everything to be okay but yesterday I got a letter signed by the president asking Berna and I to vacate our apartment as soon as possible. It also stated that Glenda had been let go for her actions and it was all my fault.

I went straight to her apartment and gave her a piece of mind. I have lived here without any complaints, well there was that one time, well then there was that other and oh yeah, the roof party, anyway. I pleaded with this crusty bitch for over an hour but she was a nut not to be cracked.

I gave up and told Berna to start packing. I had Rita start bubble wrapping the bar and booze.

I don't need this, not before my show I thought. I can't believe I'm being evicted. Is there no justice in this world?

Right after I said that I called Robin Byrd because I know she has a house on Fire Island. I asked Robin if we could stay in her apartment in the city until I found permanent lodging. She did better than that she said we could stay with her out on Fire Island and use the apartment too. The "Byrd" is the best and thank god Rita lets her have a munch on her muff every once in a while. Sisters are good for something?

That is it though, no more parties for Rita and her Porn buddies. I love porn but like it best when i'm home alone with my pocket rocket....


The Big M

I'll keep you updated where I move to next.....

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