My 59th birthday was a bit crazy...
I thought I was going to a quiet dinner with Berna and my gay fiance' Jeff but when we arrived the gang was all there. Polly Holiday, Linda Hunt, Glenda the super, Cuchie, Stoli, Mindy Cohn, Mickey and Jan Rooney and of course Berna who was wearing a Madonna outfit from H&M. Berna has lost a lot of weight after the gastric bypass but at 262 pounds I think Madonna for H&M is a bit risky.
Anyway, everyone yelled surprise and blew noisemakers and threw confetti. How grand. Then to my great shock my sister Rita and my mom Sully walked in... Sully had a huge jar of her home made pickled herring and an even bigger bottle of her moonshine, it was my daddy salty's recipe of fish bones and potato's. It is an acquired taste for sure but it packs a punch...It actually tastes like liquid caviar..mmmm.
Sully started singing Happy birthday but her dentures fell out so we were spared her country western rendition...thank goodness.
Sully plopped down next to Polly and of course said "Kiss my Grits". Now I'd be babysitting on my own birthday. My sister Rita moved in on poor Mickey and sat on his lap. Her skirt got caught on the back of the chair and we all got to see her lady bits... I have such a classy family...
Berna also asked that everyone write a note or statement about why they love me. I ran to the bar and asked for 5 martini's. I downed them is 5 seconds and for once I was glad to see Gary Busey stumble in. He had just entered so I grabbed him and he of course started making lots of noise and singing. This made everyone forget about the notes, etc. Gary then proceeded to start stripping to "You can leave your hat on"...Oh god, it's not pretty. Sully handed him a glass of the moonshine and a dollar bill. Glenda and Berna started to dance with Gary. it was already getting crazy.
At this point the waiter and manager started to circle and asked if we were ready to order. They looked frightened!
Jeff stepped in and asked that everyone calm down and take a seat. He's so cute when he turns on his gay charm.. Sully balked and said we should go to Porky's or Hogs and heifer's instead so we can be loud.
Mindy was so cute and toasted to my 59th and then told Gary to get his hands off her ass. She is a hoot, that Mindy.
Then Sully got up, took a swig of her shine and told everyone that when I was 12 I ran away and started a life of debauchery. She also added that no one can blame her for my failed career and marriage. Then as if on Que Berna popped her in the Jaw and she was out cold.
This of course prompted the waiter to ask us to leave, thank goodness. There we all were walking on Bleecker street. I was of course mobbed, I had no idea there was a "Planet of the Apes" convention going on at the Jacob Javits center.
I had Gary carry Sully over his shoulder, then I invited all of my POTA fans to join me for a stiff one at Molly's. We had a grand time and i explained to everyone that playing Zera's sister Zazu in POTA was wonderful and That it was I who came up with the line "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
The fans loved that but one of them got excited and tried to take a swig of my drink and I said from my cold dead hands....
This is why I hate getting too excited about birthdays...They can get a bit crazy especially when family is involved. You know it was a wild time when my Polly Holiday can't get a word in.
We ended up losing Linda Hunt in the Planet of the apes frenzy, she's so short...
Anyway Sully is still here. I gotta ship her back to the retirement home but I am waiting for a crate with air holes. it's much cheaper than paying for a flight...