Berna "Gaffer" for Letterman

Hey kids,

I hadn't seen Berna in over a week and the house is in shambles. I'm not sure what she thinks I pay her for.... She was away for weeks looking for the "Stumpy Jones" money which has now been divided up...but I borrowed Linda Hunt's maid Jo Jo to pick up around the house. Unfortunately Jo Jo told Linda she'd never do it again because she hurt her back taking out the recyclables. I guess champagne bottles do get heavy...

Anyway I went and knocked on Glenda the supers door. He came, I mean she came to the door all cranky and looked worse than usual. "have you seen Berna" , I asked. "Yeah, I got her a job filling in for one of my union buddies at the Letterman show". she replied.

"What", I said.

Glenda went on to tell me that Berna is the head "Gaffer" on the David Letterman show indefinitely. She started to tell me what a gaffer was but I know it's the electrician or lights manager, etc. Berna can barely change a light bulb, how in the hell did she get this job....

Glenda said she was winging it but my Friend said they love her. Glenda also added she's been hanging out with all the guests and going to parties. She spent 3 nights at Glenn Close's apartment re wiring her mood lighting. She's also been sitting on Dave's desk chatting and drinking tea with him before the taping. I swear that Berna can step in shit and still smell like a rose. Glenda also added that with overtime and bonuses she'll be pulling in six figures and maybe i should think being her apprentice...

How dare she!! I gotta get to the bottom of this and put the lights out on Berna's little moonlighting job. I mean working for Kathie Lee is one thing but Letterman is stepping way over the line....

Kisses, MargOH!

A New Chapter

Hey kids,

I'm very excited to let you know I'll be starting a new chapter of my blog...literally.

About a month ago I had a lovely woman named Hester come see my last show. After the show she introduced herself as the roving reporter for the "Bangor Penny Saver". She stated that she was sick of doing profiles on Stephen King (the most famous Bangor resident, she added that I was becoming a close second). How nice of her!

Anyway, she asked me if I'd ever thought of writing my memoir's? She added that everyone does now even if they only have one hit single but my career has spanned over decades and what an interesting read it would be.

Hester was very intense that I write a book, she also was very pushy about the fact that she would help me. I was at first a little hesitant but after she told me that her father now owned the fish shop where my father's store once stood I felt a bit misty and told her I would think about it.

After about forty dirty martini's and a bottle of champers I decided to tell Hester I would do it. I called her and told her that it would be a painful process for me but if I could get through it I would give her the exclusive. She took a drive down to see us this weekend...

Hester said that she would have to move in with Berna and I. Her dream was to pen this book directly from my words, we would tape record everything. At first I didn't realize what I was getting myself into, a stranger in my house for months? I had a second thought but then Hester said she would do light housekeeping and do liquor runs or whatever I needed for free. She said she could do her Penny saver duties via the Internet. I was still a little unsure....

Then Hester presented me with something she said she found while playing in back of the fish shop many years earlier. She said she was sure it belonged to my family. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was my daddies harmonica. I knew it was his because he had engraved his name on it "Salty" with his boning knife. It was a sign from daddy and I hugged Hester and told her to go home and get her things and get back as soon as possible. We had a book to write. She'll be back next week!

I called mother, that's Sully to let he know and that she better get ready because I was gonna spill the beans about our past. She was not happy at all but was to busy calling numbers at the Fish mongers Bingo that she told me as long as I don't reveal her age she didn't give a shit, how sweet!! BTW she's 86...LOL but honestly she looks 56, i think its all the cod liver oil she drinks and smears on her face.

This post is to let you know that Hester "Bones" Crabtree will be taking to writing my memoirs on this very blog. I will from time to time still keep you updated on my whereabouts and fun things, jobs, parties and of course let my fans know how much I adore them...

This is going to be exciting...move over Mr. King MargOH!'s telling her story!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Linda and Joan

Joan- Oh, Linda darling I can't believe we are working together again..Are you still with that instrumentalist?

Linda- Joan you know I've been divorced from him for years or do you have the onset of Alzheimer's, finally?

Joan- Now, Linda don't be insulted. Did you have more work? I don't recall you having such big lips on Dynasty..

Linda- Should I buy you a new wig baldie, yours is looking a bit tattered

Joan- How dare you!

Linda- Oh, Joan just shut up and smile for the damn picture so we can have a drink!

Joan- Cheers, Linda..

Kisses, MargOH!

Kathy Griffin Dream

Hey kids,

I gotta tell you that I woke up in a hot sweat this morning.

I had a dream that I opened for Kathy Griffin at a Rib joint in Sugarland Texas. You know the home of that little skating wonder bitch Tara Lapinski.

The dream started out fun with Kathy myself and Tara eating hot wings and all you can eat ribs from a place called Mo Greasies. We were washing them down with $2 margarita's. Life can't really get better than that...$2 Margarita's...please i had about 10 which would add up to 2 drinks in New York.

Tara was actually quite fun in the dream. She showed us the Johnny Weir tattoo she had put on her ass. He was in chaps and a cock ring and Tara said he was her gay dream boy.

Anyway, shoot to the show and I'm standing backstage waiting to go on but for some reason Tara was riding a horse around the stage trying to lasso gay cowboys in the audience. Kathy was screaming at Tara telling her not to hijack her gay cowboys and was chasing her and the horse around the stage.

It was a surreal dream!

I was trying to figure out what the name was for Bulls balls but I couldn't so I started whining to Kathy and she told me that drag queens don't cry. I of course responded...I'm not a drag queen and she was mistaken. The she said aren't you a Linda Dano impersonator..

AAAAh! I screamed and then woke up with Bulls balls on my mind...I got up and made a mimosa and had Berna make meat a rack of meatballs..Very scary dream....

Kisses, MargOH!

RIP Tammy Faye

Hey Kids,

I've spoken about how much I adored Tammy Faye. I like the article that I linked.

I'm a bit misty because I feel like we lost a very fun and Friendly soul.

A little zany, a little crazy , a little bad, a little sweet, a lot of love!

Kisses, MargOH!

OH! No Brigitte Nielson

Hey Kids,

One of my old drinkin pals has checked into rehab. AaargH! My girl Brigitte Nielson who I got to know after I did a bit part in Red Sonja is at a undisclosed rehab.

Brigitte is not addictive, she just like to drink like me. She must have started taking some pills or a little coke...After she got involved with that Flavor Flav she started getting a bit wild.

I gotta get Berna to find out where she is so I can send her a basket of assorted...booze. I'll have my liquor store to have them throw it together. I don't want her getting too thirsty.

It seems like ever since that Damn Amy Winehouse song every ones checkin into Rehab..but I think she is the one that really needs to go...

Kisses, MargOH!

MargoH! attends Soprano's Farewell party

Hey Kids,

I went to the Soprano's farewell party and it was a bit sad. I didn't realize I was going to be mistaken for a call girl. I also didn't know I was suppose to wear a teddy. The girls were required to only be in a teddy or some sort of underwear.

I didn't wear any panties because I was hoping the paparazzi would catch a minge shot when I hiked up my wrap dress.

They were very pushy at the door and told me I couldn't come in with a dress on. I told the guy that I had nothing on underneath it and his said bada bing. I demanded that he get Michael Imperioli.

Michael came to the door and gave me a big hug and swept the doorman away. You see I played henchman's lady # 6 in the first season of the damn show. I quickly realized this party was thrown by all the bit players and Michael was the biggest celeb there. The rest of the party was filled with gals in there teddy's. No big surprise but Nicky Knockers, Stoli and Berna were huddled in a corner doing tequila slammers. Berna was wearing a teddy but the whole thing looked like a thong, it was a bit small.

I left Michael to join them and asked them what the hell they were doing there. They went on to tell me that Nicky was sent a limo from Steven Schirripa. Nice, i had to take the damn train.

I grabbed a drink but then all the party girls started trying to unwrap my wrap dress. It was turning into a real Caligula's den. Berna, my wardrobe mistress was humping some gal named Pebo by the grill, Nicky Knockers was stuffing my semi-daughter's face in between her tits a la Robin Byrd.

Of course I started making out with some girl named Tonya T because honestly the men were few and far between. She was wearing the most tasty lip gloss so I asked her what it was and she said it wasn't lip gloss and that she just eaten out her friend Lita in a three way in the bathroom.

Yikes, I thought! I really gotta find out what Lita's diet is because she tasted like Thin mints...

In the end I must say this party was a bit trashy and not that much fun but I guess they wanted to make the farewell party much like the last episode.

Kisses, MargOH!

Liza's wearing her nighty again

Hey Kids,

You know I love my Liza but she kills me when she wears her lounging pants and or a nighty to an event.

I have to get my costumer to get sewing on a hot little number like this...

Life is a cabaret afterall!

Kisses, M

MargOH! profiled on "Best Gay Blogs"

Hey Kids,

MargOH! had been profiled by "Best gay Blogs". They did a little interview and overview of my thoughts of the blog.

It was nice to be included since many of my favorite blogs have been profiled and had great success getting their message out.

There were a couple of typo's but that is typical for MargOH! I usually drink a few cocktails before and interview so they may have missed a few words, etc.....LOL

Kisses, MargOH!

MargOH!'s going to Fashion Week

Hey Kids,

Yes, it's true MargOH! is going to fashion week in the fall. I have been before and it usually is a scene.

This time will be fun though because I've been invited by my myspace pal Zach. He is cute as a button and an upcoming Stylist/fashion designer. He is so sweet and is having MargOH! model some Jewelry for many of the shows. I of course only plan to attend shows that are Anti-fur as not to piss off my PETA peeps.

Zach is only 21 and how gorgeous MargoH! will look with that on her arm....LOL. I hope he can hang with me as far as the drinking goes.

I'm going to have Berna call ahead and make sure the tent is stocked with enough champagne. Don't laugh when I went two years ago they ran out and later I landed a European ad campaign for "Krug". They couldn't believe how much I could drink and still look this good.

They called the campaign "Drink Krug and you can look ageless". For some reason the ads only ran in Poland and Lithuania. Go Figure!

I can't wait! I put Little Zachery's link so you can check him out!

Kisses, MargoH!

MargOH! stripped of Junior Miss Lobster Claw Crown

Hey Kids,

Thanks a lot Miss New Jersey Amy Polumbo!

Last night I got a call from the director of the Annual Lobster Festival to let me know that I was stripped of my Junior Miss Lobster Claw Crown, bastard! It was my only title!

You see when I was 10 I won this Junior Beauty pageant that was part of the Lobster Festival. Unfortunately it was the last year they held the pageant because most of the children from Maine were hideous, anyway I never had to give up my crown.

Every year I would get an invite to come to the opening day parade. I went a few times in my 20's and once when I was like 36 but the sash got way to small and the crown lost all of it's rhinestones.

I stopped getting the letters and had forgotten about it until two years ago when I received an adult sized sash and new crown. The Mayor of Bangor asked if I would go and promote the new Junior Miss Lobster Claw Pageant they were trying to revive. He said that they had an influx of New Yorker's moving there and the kids were getting cuter. I asked for a small fee of $10,000 and went back for a photo shoot and small parade they put together.

It was fun and they did manage to pull off the pageant and a girl by the name of Sadie Rose Jones won. She was a pesky 12 year old from Portland. I didn't care for her at all and told the judges they'd regret crowning her. I reluctantly handed over the responsibility. I couldn't believe that her platform was new ways of "Lobster Torture" she called it. She said that pulling off the eyes before putting them in the boiling water would be easier for them because they wouldn't see they were being killed. It just didn't make sense but the judges ate it up.

Anyway, I go on with my life as a past beauty queen until I get a call 6 months later saying that Sadie Rose Jones had a change of heart and joined PETA. They couldn't have that...So again I was Junior Miss Lobster Claw.

I didn't mention to them that I was also a member of PETA and that I had stopped eating lobster years ago. I know, I know but they paid me ten grand.

I had planned on going up again this month to hand off the crown again.

Then I get the call telling me that I'd been stripped of the crown because of the cooter picture I had on my blog. "How very dare they" I said. It was a moment in my show and just happened by accident. He said they could not take a chance after all the controversy over Miss New Jersey's photo scandal and the embarrassment of Sadie Rose Jones PETA Pickle.

I can't believe it and I am a bit sad seeing is that I was the longest running title holder in the history of festival pageants.

I must call PETA and have them picket that festival for little old MargOH! or I should start a "Save MargOH!'s Crown" campaign.

Damn, Damn, Damn!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Kobayashi meats Berna, Joey Chestnut eats MargOH!

Hey kids,

Didn't get a chance to tell you but Berna and I headed out to the Nathan's hot dog eating contest last week. Many of you don't know this but Berna was one of the first competitive eaters before it became a true sport. Her specialty was Bratwurst, she could eat that by the pounds. She loved her brat's and not only for eating but we'll talk about that another time. I feel bad for Berna sometimes because I know she gets a bit misty and Jealous of the way the sport has taken off.She is limited now because of the gastric bypass and can only eat 1/2 a bratwurst at a time. i did tell her to try rice pudding and she's working on that, old Berna what a trooper.

There were times when I was bored and would challenge old Berna to a contest. My specialty is crisps. I've been know to eat 15-17 bags of Lays potato chips in one sitting. I wash them down with vodka/tonics. The combination is yummy.

Anyway we get to Coney Island and Berna sees one of her eating pals by the name of "The Black widow". When we were in Bangkok she came to do a Pad Thai eating contest at my cabaret. The poor thing lost in a landslide to Berna but the "judge" got a little drunk drinking martini's with MargoH! that it never got recorded and Berna was screwed yet again.

She and Berna hugged and kissed and told us that after the competition she would introduce us to the great Kobayashi. She told us he was going to lose this year because he was having Jaw problems due to arthritis but she said she thought it was because he sucking too many cocks. She's a bit vindictive so i took that comment with a grain of salt.

Though her prediction was right, he lost to Joey Chestnut by a few dogs. Berna was wild during the competition, screaming and yelling, not at the contestants but more like ranting and raving in disgust because she wanted to be part of it. They had to restrain her to make sure she didn't get on camera, she can be so embarrassing.

"The Black Widow" invited us to the after party and we followed her to one of the tents. As we walked in I saw the bar and made a b-line and grabbed a martini while Berna made a b-line for Kobayashi. He jumped back and was a bit afraid but then Berna turned on the old charm and in a few moments they were laughing and carrying on like old friends. They shared a hot dog together but poor Kobayashi puked it back up. I heard Berna say "I wouldn't mind working on your hot dog" and they went behind the portable Johns...yikes.

I turned for another drink and Joey Chestnut was standing there looking all googly eyed. "Hey, I haven't seen a girl like you around here before", I replied "Well that's because I'm not a girl I'm a lady", he chuckled and spat a piece of hot dog onto my face....mmm how sweet. I took a napkin and wiped it off in hopes of later selling it on eBay.

I told Joey about my potato chip fetish and he didn't believe I could eat so many bags of chips. I told him I could and he bet me. I told him if i could eat 15 bags of Lays in 10 minutes he would have to eat me, it had been a while and there really is something sexy about a man sucking on a hot dog. He was game!

I grabbed Berna from behind the toilet and told her to go get me 15 99 cent bags of lays and make it snappy.

To make a long story short Joey was amazed at my potato chip skills but I was not as impressed. I think he should really stick to eating dogs.

Joey did tell me that I really was all that and a bag of chips. What a sweety!

Oh, by the way I haven't seen Berna since, I saw her running down the street with "The Black widow" and Kobayashi mmmm....

Kisses, MargOH!

Stumpy got the Money

Hey kids,

It's been a while since I let you in on the mystery of Stoli jones, my surrogate daughter...thankfully not my biological spawn. Though I am sure if I had children they would be gorgeous and well adjusted...to drinking.

Any who, I had sent Nicky Knockers and Stoli back to Stumpy's place where her said he buried a wad of cash. After doing more reading of Stumpy's notes I found out that there was nearly 750, 000. I decided to send Berna as well to monitor their progress and make sure they didn't try and run off with my loot. I think I deserve a hunk of that cash, don't you? I was the one who suffered the most from this tragic story. I figured I could take 400, 000 and let them fight over the rest. Honestly I haven't been working much lately. My extra roles have been slim and my agent Shecky's attempt to get me work in the tween market failed miserably. I don't think "the wiggles" was quite right for my talents. I did of course complete my re shoots for "Hairspray". I played John T's body double and let me tell you that body suit reeked, he stinks and he accidentally took a crap in it while doing "the madison", that's a dance. They tried to clean it but honestly it still was a bit rank.

Anyway, Nicky and Stoli dug up the whole back yard and have only recovered 100,000 grand. They are on their way back to recharge and then we're going to bulldoze the house and front yard next. I may go to supervise this next wave because I have a sinking feeling they may have been holding out on MargOH! I noticed that Nicky's eyes were looking awfully rejuvenated in her last head shot... mmm a little nip/tuck..

Okay kids gotta run but I'll be back .

Kisses, M

Bad MargOH!

Hey kids,

I'll be starting up my blog again thursday. I'm still on post-show bliss and will be getting back to my daily updates. here's a couple more pics from the show.

Have a happy 4th. Berna and I are going to Mickey and Jan Rooney's for their "Yankee doodle dandy" party.

kisses, MargOH!