OH! dear what can I say about Lindsay Lohan that hasn't already been said?
I actually never met the girl until last week (even though I was her body double for her fainting scene in Liz and Dick. Yes, I was the lump on the floor) when my pal and voice over queen Meredith held a Liz and Dick viewing soiree. I was shocked to walk in and see Lindsay lying across a plush velvet couch eating corn chips. I had no idea the star of the show was going to be there. It was to be a caftan and faux diamond studded evening but Lindsay was dressed in tight jeans and a baby tee.
OH! well at least there would be a bit of glamour in respect to Elizabeth I thought since myself , MAN-ee, Meredith and our lovely housemate Betony were dripping in Caftan's and faux diamonds. Lindsay said "Hi" and muttered "You look rad guys" in a husky voice filled with flem and cigarettes. She then barked at me "Get me more corn chips". I of course responded "Excuse me, do you know who I am?" Then looked at MAN-ee and said "Quick go get corn chips" in which he rolled his eyes in disgust but quickly headed out the door while demanding not to open the booze until he got back. Still a bit confused as to what she was doing at the soiree as our hostess scurried us to the bathroom telling Lindsay we'd be right back.
Meredith went on to explain how she had tweeted Lindsay about our excitement to see Liz and Dick. She never responded so in a bit of joke Meredith re tweeted that Lindsay isn't responding to her tweets because she must be embarrassed by the bad reviews and adding she was a skank .
To her surprise Lindsay sent her a direct tweet and told her she was alone in a hotel room in manhattan but wanted to join the party. She said she wanted to be with her fans! Though still in shock I thought this was very Joan Crawford of her and said "How sweet". Meredith went on to explain that it wasn't all that sweet because when she arrived she started searching for party favors. I laughed and pulled out a noise maker from my purse and twirled it. "Not that type of party favor MargOH!" Meredith whispered and Betony chuckled. I responded "You mean drugs"....Merdedith replied yes and she was having none of it.
We crept back out to the living room where Lindsay was crunching and counting down to the Liz and Dick countdown clock on Lifetime. She then spun around and snapped 'Got any weed? you look like the type". I scoffed and said "I may wear too much make up and occasionally enjoy a spliff but I'm no pothead , I prefer booze and certainly don't carry it with me darling". I pulled out 2 bottles of champagne and said "I have Champers, like a drinky?". I popped it open and quickly poured her a glass and texted MAN-ee to see if he were still at the store and he replied he was so i asked him to try and get some no-doze.
Betony and Meredith were trying to comfort her as she read through the New York Times review and explained how she thought she was going to win an Oscar. They tried to explain to the poor dear that she could only win an Emmy or possibly a Golden Globe. I added " I wouldn't be surprised if you won a Golden Globe, Pia Zadora did"...She smiled and thanked us before diving back into the bag of corn chips.
MAN-ee came running in with corn chips and then slipped me the no-doze which i quickly crushed up in the bathroom. Back in my days of running a bordello in Bangkok I would have the girls snort this crap instead of cocaine. They thought they were all party girls but they were just hyperactive hookers.
Just as Liz and Dick started the four of us carried out what looked like lines of cocaine on a gorgeous antique beveled mirror (Meredith has such lovely taste). Lindsay's eyes widened and she placed her hand over her heart and said " Awe, you guys are the best, I don't know what I'd do without my fans" and proceeded to blow every line on that mirror, literally. She hacked and then sneezed! It flew all over the floor and television covering poor Liz and Dick in a white haze! She screamed and fell to floor in a fit of rage and angst I'd never seen from her before. Much better than what was going on in her scenes in Liz and Dick. She even licked the flat screen with such grace and elegance as if she were performing fellatio on it. It was like a master class in acting. Go figure?
We were all standing stunned in silence when she got up and watched a bit of the movie. Then said "I love you guys, you rock, but I'm so bored" as if she were repeating the line from the film but again much better. Then she Threw an empty bottle of champagne against the wall grabbed her things and opened the closet door and walked into it and slammed the door behind her. Then she reappeared, grabbed the full bag of corn chips giving us a look of disdain, opened the other door , exited and slammed it.
That was our one night with Lindsay Lohan which in the end was so much better than Liz and Dick. I'm just thankful none of us decided to ask her if she wanted her fortune told. Also let this be a lesson learned sometimes you get what you tweet for...
See ya at the party kids!