"Where Life Begins" Chapter 2 Session 2

Hey Kids,

I've sorted through what was left of the sessions I recorded with Hester and had my gay Fiance MAN-ee put them on paper for me. I am still going forward with my auto-biography even though Hester was up to no good. It made me realize even more how important it is for me to tell my story. In the days of lack of talent and drive I think it is good for the young kids to know what it's like to struggle to be a star..don't ya think?

Hester Bones Crabtree- How was your swim?

MargOH!- Oh, delicious. You know Hester even though I left home at such a young age the sea is in my blood. I always feel my best when I'm near the water.

Hester Bones Crabtree- I feel the same way, I guess we're Maine girls at heart after all. Now we were just about to get to your leaving the hall and aunt Trudie

MargOH!- Oh, yes. I left the hall and wandered away from Sully and Rita. I could hear Rita say "Sully, Haddie's gone, where'd she go?". I'm not sure what Sully said in response but that was last I'd here there voices for quite a while, I feel sad about it now but at the time I just couldn't run any faster down 7th avenue I was banging into people and I fell a few times, I just ran and ran but then I almost came head on into a delivery truck and stopped dead in my tracks. I was so out of breathe that I lay on the sidewalk for a moment and looked up and couldn't believe that buildings went up that far, it looked amazing. It was then I realized that I was all alone with no where to go. I sifted through my jacket pockets and pants to find only two dollars and the bottle of jack I was holding for Sully. I thought "Haddie what in the hell are you going to do, where are you going to go?" Right at that very moment a Seagull landed right in front of me and stared deep into my eyes.

At first I thought "A Seagull on 7th ave?" but then it walked towards me and pecked me on the cheek oh so gently. It was like i was kissed by an angel because at that moment I heard the voice of my daddy salty say. "AAAArgggggh, don't forget you have your aunt Trudie that lives on Delancy Street". That's right, I thought my daddy salty told me he had a sister named Trudie that live on delancy street in NYC. He said she hated Sully and never came to visit. He also said she was a very eccentric woman who had been to prison on a morals charge.

So Hester I pulled myself up and that seagull jumped on my shoulder. It was like my guardian angel. I took a swig of that Jack to warm up my chill and set out to find Delancy Street. You know Hester that Bird stayed with me the whole time until I found the street and it pecked me again and flew off.

Hester Bones Crabtree- You know, MargoH! I bet it was your father, how touching.

MargOH!- yes, I believe it was salty looking out for me but I'd wish he'd stayed until I found her. I had to start asking people if they knew my Aunt Trudie. I was getting nowhere. So i did what any twelve year old girl would do or at least what Sully would do and I hiked up my skirt and got slutty or what I call "Sullying it up". I had everyone coming up to me in no time. Finally an old gal yelled out "Yeah Trudie owns the pub down the way, you know the one with the back room for the peppermint patties, if you know what I mean kid and she cupped my breasts. I didn't know exactly what she was talking about so I pushed her out of the way and ran down to the pub and ran inside and screamed out "Aunt Trudie"

Hester Bones Crabtree- You must have been relieved to find her, how exciting!

MargOH!- Well, Aunt Trudie wasn't the warmest person upon meeting me. She yelled out from behind the bar" Yeah, I'm Trude who in the hell are you?". She made her way from behind the bar. She looked nothing like my father, he was very thin but Aunt Trudie was a sturdy woman with big broad shoulders and tree trunk legs. She had several tattoo's and a broken front tooth. Then she gave me the once over twice, I started to tremble a bit. Then she said " Oh, wait a minute you gotta be my brothers kid, unfortunately you got your mother eyes but an awfully nice set of tits for a girl your age, what your name again, she added.

"It's Haddie, well Haddock but Haddie for short", I said. Trudie then responded " You're mother is a complete ass and cruel to have named you after stinky fish, she laughed a very hearty laugh for several minutes". I wasn't quite sure what to do then her face got stern again and she said " You runaway from home, Kid?". I answered " Yes". Trudie then said "well if you're gonna stay here you gotta work and you gotta change that name of yours then she opened up her big meaty Arms and said "Welcome to MargOH!'s kid", and i fell into her arms. Then she pulled me away and said "I'll just call you MargOH!, that's the name MargoH!, you can be like the pub mascot" she said.

Then she led me into the backroom and yelled out "Listen up all you dyke's butch and fem alike this is my niece MargOH! and she's gonna be staying with me for a while so keep your paws off her unless I say it's ok". I trembled and took a deep breath and realized the room had a faint smell of stale beer and pickled herring and I slumped my shoulders and said to myself "Yuk, just like Home".

Hester Bones Crabtree- So it seemed like you went from one unpleasant situation to another MargOH!

MargOH!- Well, I mean in a way. Aunt Trudie was very different from Sully, she wasn't as demanding or as mean but she'd slap you around if you got outta line, she never did with me, I actually think she loved me and after I told her salty wasn't my real daddy and that we weren't really related she really loved me if you know what I mean Hester.

Hester Bones Crabtree- Oh, dear. I think I get it, Oh dear!

MargoH! -The other thing about Aunt Trudie was that she was a performer in every way. You wouldn't know it by looking at her but she had a certain musical flare that was very exciting and her piano guy Morty was great, very similar to my piano guy Jarad. He had a way of playing for Aunt Trudie that made her sound pretty good. That night when I arrived she sang "Big Spender", it was fantastic, she growled through that song, it was her best number, well I mean she was that song, she lived that song. It was Aunt Trudie that really molded me and I was and am grateful to her. She made me tough and in this business kid that's what you gotta be tough.

Oh, dear I spilled my champagne, would you get me another Hester darling.

Hester Bones Crabtree- Oh, of course MargoH! Aunt Trudie is so fascinating, You obviously loved her, tell me more, here you go.

MargoH!- actually Hester I'm getting a little tired and the sun is too hot. Can we continue later.

Hester Bones Crabtree- Oh, yes of course but I'd like to get to your time in Bangkok as soon as possible.

MargoH!- Oh, really? Well we have a bit to go before that? Really, it wasn't my favorite time but we'll get to it,go chill another bottle of champers Hester.

Kids, I'll be back with more of my story and my year end lists...

Kisses, MargOH!

Judy

Hey Kids,

I post this every year but I just love it so, It is a sad song but one of my holiday favorites....

kisses, M

Joan Van Ark is blue

Hey Kids,

I was keeping this hush, hush but I attended Liz Taylor's return to the stage in A.R. Gurney's bittersweet play Love Letters. It was 2,500 a ticket so I raided Berna's Safe which she thinks I do not have the combination for but I do. She's been stockpiling union money from her job with Letterman...though she's been off due to the strike....She's in jersey, she only drops in to pick up clean panties..

Anyway I decided to call my old friend Joan Van Ark. I hadn't been to LA for a while and needed a place to stay. I did a couple of extra roles on Knot's landing, Joan and I became great friends. She would throw the most fabulous parties. She called them Joan's Ho-downs. One thing people probably do not know about Joan is that she can cook, she makes her own Hot dogs, sausages and the most amazing blueberry pie.

Joan was thrilled to hear from me and offered for me to stay at her place. I hadn't seen Joan in a long time so I was excited.

I got off the plane and Joan said she'd meet me at the baggage area. I got my bag but could not find Joan. I waited and waited until there was only myself and an Andy Warhol look alike waiting. I took off my sunglasses and then I heard someone yell out MargoH!. It was the Andy Warhol guy but Kids it was actually Joan. She ran over to me and hugged me. She said she didn't recognize me because i had lost weight. I told her I didn't notice her because she looked younger than ever. I of course was telling a fib. She looked terrible and actually quite frightening.

We hopped in her saturn vue, the green model. One thing I can say about Joan she is all for the environment. We chatted about the old days and I must have kept staring because Joan pulled over and demanded to know what I was staring at...She looked crazed. I said "Joan, I am staring at your face, really you look weird, almost plastic like and your lips are all blue". Joan replied " I have no idea what you are talking about, I've never had any work done, well just a little botox but everyone's doing that". I replied "Well what about the blue lips, did you accidentally get injected with anti-freeze or something". Joan replied " No silly, I've been making and eating my blueberry pies". We had a chuckle and kept driving.

We got to Joan's place and I couldn't believe my eyes when i saw blueberry pies everywhere. There had to be about 100 pies all over the kitchen. I asked if she was having a ho-down and she said no I eat blueberry pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner and she took her hand and grabbed some pie and shoved it in her mouth. Then she muttered how much she loved the show "Pushing daisies" and how she auditioned for Ellen Green's role but they told her she wasn't looking young enough. Then she slammed the pie against the wall. Hollywood can be so cruel. I made my way to my room and was thinking how happy I was that I was only staying the night.

I got dressed for the event and went back in the kitchen and Joan was there still eating pie with her hands and crying into her glass of wine. I really didn't know what to do so I decided to take the pie away, slam down the wine and clean her hands. I told Joan that she should go to my cosmetic reconstruction guy in Chinatown. I told her he did wonders for Farrah Fawcett. I gave her the card and she thanked me. I helped her get dressed and we were off. There was a lot of traffic and we were stuck so I told Joan I'd get out of the car and pass through the red carpet and wait for her. Really, I didn't want to walk down with her because I knew the paparazzi would be going mad about her face. I wasn't wrong, they snapped more shots of her blueberry pie face than poor Liz Taylor. Liz did look lovely even though she is in failing health and the performance was top notch.

Afterwards we went to a diner and I asked Joan why were stopping here and guess what. She wanted blueberry pie. Poor Joan, she really has been eaten up by the Hollywood machine....I told her years ago to do infomercials and call it a day but she insisted on doing Lifetime movies and look at her now. A blueberry pie eatin freak.

It's times like this that make me happy I decided to be an extra. I have no stress and look absolutely gorgeous....and compared to Joan I'm a goddess at 59....

Kisses, MargOH!

Berna's Deviled Egg Nightmare

Hey Kids,

I've been fielding calls from guests after my party telling me they have uncontrollable gastric problems. My possible PR gall Laura said she was asked to leave a cafe the day after for her farting overwhelmed the other patrons. I started to wonder if it was my crudite or my artichoke dip... Then i realized little Nellie Mckay hadn't complained and I know she doesn't eat live things so It must be Berna's deviled eggs.

I know Laura had eaten many of them and from her email message, she is still farting up a storm, poor thing. I know eggs usually can leave you a bit bloated but I'm sure Berna added something to it and I was right. She told me that she added three types of beans and flax seed to her receipe...who ever heard of such a thing. She said her mother would make this receipe when she was a little back up and it cleared her right out....

Well good for her but now my guests are having Deviled Egg Nightmares

It really is time for a new assistant, ya think...

Kisses, MargOH!

December is Fun

Hey Kids,

I always get really excited this time of year because it is time for my 3rd annual "Most Annoying" lists. I will do my usual Top 5 lists of "Most Annoying Straights" and "Most Annoying Gays". This year I've also decided to do a special "Most Annoying Teen or Young adult" category as well.

I'm sure you are all aware as to why I added that last category but the final straw was when by accident I watched " The real housewives of Orange county". It really is one of the most horrible shows I've seen in a while and those gals should be ashamed of themselves....Listen I'm 59 but I'm a girl at heart but really I do not act or dress like i'm 20....very sad.....

Watch out for my lists kids...They are gonna be hot this year!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

MargoH! in Gin Soaked Dreams

Hey Kids,

It's been an exciting couple of weeks with my show being such a success and my record “Fat Girl” starting to burn up the dance floors. Kids, MargOH! is on fire (and this time it’s not just my lady bits!)!!

After the show I had an after party for all of my friends and fans. Of course all the usuals were there…Polly Holiday, Glenda the Super, Linda Hunt and all my new friends from the UK... Dan, Phoebe, Alice, Katie, Kristina and Oli. My dear LaJon Joseph had performed in the show and he came over as well wearing his gorgeous green faux fur stole.

We also had a special guest, my gorgeous and lovely friend Nellie McKay. Berna was nowhere to be found (as usual whenever I do a show) so I had to have my Gay Fiance MAN-ee assist with it all. I sent him into a Gay Panic, poor thing. Berna did however manage to make deviled eggs for the party go figure. They were a hit so I guess she’s good for SOMETHING.

My martini club members Phoebe and Dan are just lovely and arrived with a bottle of Gin...Now of course I've been off Gin for a couple of years now after my treatment with Dr. Beefachaki who weened me off of it by substituting Sake. Well of course I couldn’t be rude and so dove into that gin like it was a swimming pool full of naked men and cheese. Polly Holiday immediately excused herself telling Glenda and my piano guy Jarad "If she's drinking Gin, I'm outta here! The last time she drank gin our ladies poker night turned into ladies STRIP poker night except she was ripping off everyone else's clothes! Poor Diane Keaton is still in therapy". Well screw Polly is all I can say. I don’t recall hearing her complain when I was slipping off her woolly turtleneck.

Anyhoo, Tanqueray tasted just as I remember, very sexy, sweet and smooth. I yelled to Polly "Kiss my Gin Soaked Grits"and then started seeing pretty fireworks going off all around me.

See the thing is when I drink Gin I can get a little crazy and start having bad thoughts.I started to think I should have another gay Fiance and how perfect little Danny would be. He is so petite, lithe and cute. Just the right fit for MargOH!’s collection. And he would fit splendidly in Berna's room.

More guests started to arrive and I decided to put my plan into action. I recruited Cuchie into it. I told her that I wanted to keep Danny for myself but first we would have to get rid of Oli (His boy toy). Not that I would do him any harm just at least give him enough Rohypnol to put him out for the night…I do have morals ya know. Cuchie of course gave me a hard time but I promised her my open toe payless patent leather pumps and she was on board.

I gave her the stuff to put in Oli's drink. I decided I would lure Danny into Linda Hunt's apartment next door as Linda’s housekeeper offered to let smokers go to her place rather than outside. Linda’s a sweet gal but I think she was just looking for reefers..she's such a stoner.

When I asked Danny over for a cigarette my initial plan to conk him over the head with a rubber mallet was sidetracked because that damn Ken from That's Kentertainment was there with his friend. Aaaargh!! He is so pesky. Well we were fighting over Danny's affections (Ken's also a huge flirt and a big slut) and I started to get worried they would ruin my scheme. I had to do something so I sent Kenny and his friend scurrying back into my apartment by telling them that Rue McClanahan had just arrived wearing an old outfit from The Golden Girls and carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels

Finally I was alone with my new gay fiancee (well Cuchie was hiding in the closet but he didn’t know that of course). I had a chance to run my fingers through Danny's hair and position his head in just the right angle for Cuchie to bonk him when Nellie, Phoebe, Alice and Katie walked in dancing to my song "Fat Girl" They started a sing along and doing a dance we used to call “kick the dog” back in my day. Phoebe was spinning so fast she looked like a disco ball in her cute sequin dress and Nellie really kicked up her heels better than that Marie Osmond ever could! Alice, who was dressed in a sequin skating costume once owned by Tonya Harding lifted Katie up into a gorgeous swan lift with a very gentle dismount....maybe she was channeling Tonya but anyway it was just spectacular. Gin really makes things like an acid trip to me.

Phoebe pulled me to the side and said she saw Linda Hunt stumbling around the apartment muttering incoherent things and then she disappeared. I didn’t understand what happened until Oli walked in all chipper and looking for Danny. Cuchie must have put the pills in Linda's glass!!!

Oli put his arms around Danny and even in my manic state I had to admit…they did look oh so cute together. Suddenly in a moment of clarity I thought...I don't need Danny in my curio cabinet like a collectible spoon I never get to lick, I already have my Gay Fiancee MAN-ee for that. And with the leftover Rohypnol I could always just have a one night stand with Danny, really!! No need to go to all of this trouble. I put down the gin and tonic and grabbed a champers instead and we all went back to my place and I busted into a saucy version of "Big Spender".

I eventually came out of my Gin soaked haze and had a fabulous time with the UK Kids. I just love and adore them. We sang more songs and ate cheese. My special Guest la John Joseph did another fabulous burlesque number and Jarad passed out in Linda’s apartment…hmmmm. MAN-ee kicked out Ken from "Thats Kentertainment" for trying to snap photo's of him and Nellie Mckay...really.

As the evening ended and everyone left, Cuchie cleaned up in hopes of getting her patent leather pumps and MAN-ee and I went off to bed. My side of the bed was very lumpy and uncomfortable. I kept trying to adjust my pillow but my back was killing me so I got up and lifted the mattress cover and found Linda and my dog Kim Fung fast asleep! I put a mirror in front of Linda's nose (just in case) and she fogged it right up!! What a gal our Linda!! I pushed them to the side and she slept spooning with MAN-ee for the night...

Oh! what an evening...

Clip from Show "fat Girl"

Hey kids,

I have linked a clip of my song "Fat Girl". The show got a little crazy and my crowd was nuts..I knew I shouldn't have passed out Nips of Gin to everyone...silly MargOH!

Kisses, MargOH!

Show Pics

Hey Kids,

I've been off the blog trail but will be back full force very soon. It's been a busy few weeks with my show and party and of course all of my UK kids!!

I've never met such a gorgeous and wonderful bunch of people in a long time. Phoebe, Dan, Oli , Alice, katie and the gang are all so special!! It makes me want to move to London and have fun with them all the time!!

We had a blast and will never forget my "Command Performance". it was a special night for me and the performance was about as good as I can get...LOL...Adding to the moment Nellie McKay came on stage and performed "Zombie" . I love her, she is one of my favorite artists of all time..very special gal!!

Here are some lovely pics Phoebe took. I will put some more up soon!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Berna's flown the coop again

Hey Kids,

Whenever I have a show coming up Berna flee's and is no where to be found. You all know she is head Gaffer at the letterman show so she really has stopped working for me. Now all I have is MAN-ee my gay fiance. I tried to get Cuchie back from Kathie Lee again but it was a no go.

I will be interviewing new wardrobe mistresses starting 12/1/2007. I am looking for a non live in situation this time so the position will be on an as needed basis. I do have a lot of needs so I'm sure whomever it is will be working their butts off and very tired.

I'll post a formal job description very soon.

Thank goodness I have my darling friend Princess McCool who fills in for Berna when she dissappears.

See ya at the party kids,

MargOH!

Happy Halloween

Hey kids,

Happy Halloween and kisses....I'm staying in and giving out Nips of vodka for the kids in the building. This will of course be wrapped in a tootsie roll package so the pesky parents don't see it....Vodka is medicinal after all!!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Gods Love we Deliver

Hey Kids,

Sorry I've been low on posts but I'm heavy into rehearsals for the show in November.

Just wanted to tell you I'm going to a Gala event on Monday. it's an awards banquet for Gods love we deliver. It's a very swank event and I'm sitting at Joan River's table. I'll try and snap a picture but Joan doesn't like close ups...not sure why??


I'll let you know who was there.....

Kisses, MargOH!

Sex in the City

Hey kids,

I've been so busy, I didn't let anyone know but I can let it out of the bag now. I've been cast as an extra in the film version of "Sex in the City". I am playing 3 different roles. The first is ice cream Clerk # 6 which was filmed at the Shake shack. My arm almost fell off making Cynthia Nixon a single scoop cone. She took like 75 takes just to say.. "I hate Brooklyn, I gotta move back to the village"... The problem was she kept getting Oreo cookie caught in her teeth..very Miranda season 1 but not in 2007...I of course suggested they use Vanilla ice cream but the director said it would ruin the look he was going for....whatever freak.

The second role was "Park attendant # 6". That was an easy day in Bryant park cause Kim Catrall is an old pro especially at playing an old whore. I do admire her so much and I kept ruining the scene because I couldn't stop looking at her sexy gams. Kim wasn't mad because she asked me to fan her in between takes and I did, she slipped me 100 bucks and a Nip of Absolute..very sweet!

The third role actually happened by accident when i was walking by Pat Fields trailer and she called me in to put my finger on a knot she was tying on a big flower for Sarah Jessica. The room was filled with enormous flowers and sissy boots...and a lot of Polka dots. I felt like I just entered a drag queen circus. Pat ended up asking me to help her out so I've bee sewing some of the costumes... well I decided to use double sided tape without Pat knowing. I really don't know how to sew. I heard that one of Sarah's flower bursts kept sticking to her face, poor thing but I did the best I could really.

The whole shoot was a lot of fun and I had a blast. Well, besides the food table. They only allowed veggies and beans....Kim was getting a little chunky and they were making sure she stayed thin enough for her costumes.

Kisses, MargOH!

Hester "Bones" Faketree

Hey Kids,

It's been a bit since I posted my last session with Hester because she seemed less and less interested in my story. Well we got stuck on a certain part and the questions became a bit in depth for me and I became uncomfortable. I of course am a good judge of character and Hester swept me off my feet but after couple of months she planted them back down hard.

I did a little digging via one of Berna's Union buddies and quickly realized that
Hester did not work for "The Bangor Shoppers Guide". I then called in Nicky Knockers to get more information and she quickly found out that Hester's real name was Jun Fun Swazuki Hartman. She was a detective hired by the Thai police to investigate my cabaret, bordello and escort service fire in Bangkok. Of course I quickly confronted her and told her to get the hell out, she was yelling that she'd get to the bottom of that fire and that I had committed insurance fraud.

Well, I certainly did not. That fire was completely accidental or set by Madonna. One day we were rehearsing a new show with Danny Devito when to my surprise my diva muse rushed in and asked for an order of Pad Thai. I barely uttered a sound when Berna yelled out, not knowing it was the material girl "We don't see food her just pussy". She screamed out fuck you, flipped me the bird and ran out in a huff. Poor Danny peed his pants and I was shaken and knocked over my "our father" candelabra I bought from eBay from The blond ambition tour. That set the stage curtain on fire, luckily Danny was still peeing so he put it out quickly.

Then about 15 minutes later the whole place was a blaze. I barely got out because I had to throw Danny on my back. Berna and the girls followed quickly. We were all safe but when i turned around the whole place was melting before my eyes.

Later we searched through the rubble and all I found was a red kabbalah bracelet with the smell of patchouli oils....

I did what any person would do and cashed in all my insurance policies and came back to NY. In my heart knowing that Madonna had done it. Berna thinks Danny didn't piss enough on the curtains but I still believe that Madonna set fire to my cabaret, bordello, escort service......I don't blame her, she was hungry.

Take that down Hester or I mean Jun Fun. Fuck that bitch....

Don't worry Kids I've brought back Cuchie to take down my memoirs and I start up again right after the show.

Kisses, M

Liza Cares For Britney too.

hey Kids,

A little fun quote from Liza...from one diseased lady to another...How charming!

I love my Liza and I am glad she is thinking of Britney....

Kisses, MargOH!

Vodka Saves Lives

Hey Kids,

My gay fiance MAN-ee came across this article which proves the point that I have been trying to make for years. Vodka can be medicinal. Look at me I'm 59 and look 39. I mean really what more proof do we need...

110% I think...

Kisses, MargOH

MargoH!'s for Boobs

Hey Kids,

Last evening I attended a benefit for the Avon Breast cancer walk. My martini club member Chris Tuttle did the walk which was 36 miles, yikes, break out the booze for that kids...

The event last night was the celebration for the walk and to cap off the 30K that Chris's team raised for breast cancer research. It was also Chris's Birthday so we had a gay old time and were treated to a fabulous show.

Here are some pics of the evening which include one of my favorite gals of all time "Madame", Joe Kovaks, My Gay Fiance "MAN-ee", High Kicking Edie, the Lovely June Bug and Traila Trash, DJ Brenda Black, oh yes of course Chris Tuttle himself.

It was a fun evening and I'm always happy to support boobs any way I can.

Kisses, MargOH!

PS- There is also a picture of myself and two lovely ladies who i do not know but they just had to have a picture with MargOH!..Kisses

Berna's Tomato Sauce smells

Hey Kids,

Berna was off on an adventure all of last week. Berna is still working on the letterman show and is always off with one of her union buddies doing god know's what. She's not cleaning this house that's for sure...Poor Hester has been picking up her slack and the poor thing is so tired we haven't done the sessions for my book in two weeks.

Berna shows up last night with 3 huge bags of tomato's and says she's making sauce for me. I of course was thrilled that she was going to do something so I gave her my blessing and ran out for a mani-pedi. I came back and when I opened the door the whole place smelled like crap. I grabbed Kim Fung and asked her if she did a doo-doo but she didn't look guilty. I looked in the toilet because sometimes Berna forgets to flush..nothing in there.

I went to the kitchen and it got stonger in there. Berna didn't smell anything as she was tossing the sauce into my rice pasta with some basil. I could smell Garlic, basil and dung... It turned me right off. Hester was starving from all of her cleaning so she ate it. She said if you held your nose it tasted just fine but I decided to have a rice cracker and a glass of bordeaux...

So there we are watching the 11 O'Clock news and a story pops up about wild tomato's growing in Hoboken. A woman is saying that they are from raw sewage that pools in this area everytime there is a heavy rain...Someone told this woman that the tomato seeds don't get digested and they are growing out of the waste (people's crap).

Then Berna plops down and starts telling us how her friend at the letterman show gave her all of those tomato's for free and he had plenty more coming. She said she was going to make a tomato soup on Friday.

She added there is nothing like a Jersey tomato.

I asked her where her friend lived and she said Hoboken. She added he's been picking them in some open field....

Poor Hester jumped up and ran into the bathroom and started vomiting up her crap pasta.

I rewound the DVR to let Berna here the story but she just didn't get it until I said

"You're tomato sauce smells like shit".

Kisses, M

Sully offers herself up

Hey Kids,

First Jenna Bush, now this!!

Sully calls me this morning and says she's feeling maternal and wants to have another Baby....I immediatly hung up and called the Fishmonger's retirement home's medical guy Dr. Troutsworth and asked him to adjust my mothers medication right away.She's must be taking too many HRT's or viagra.

She called me back and told me about the story linked here. How a woman gave birth to her own grandchildren in Brazil and Sully wants my egg. She also added she'd like Keanu Reeves to be the sperm donor...She's gone mad, she's 86 and obviously out of her mind.

I decided long ago not to reproduce and stop the channing family tree from growing any more. I had to cut off the insanity with me...though I am the most adjusted and sane Channing there is including Carol and we aren't even related. I did have that little scare with Stoli but I was only the port and still have no biological children...

Oh yes, did this woman's daughter ever think of adoption...

This story gives the line "Grandma's got a treat for you" to a whole new level...

Kisses, MargOH!


PS- Sully has been taken off her HRT's and is strapped to her bed at the moment just in case...

A cold and airy wind blew

Hey kids,

When I woke up this morning I had a chill running through my bones. I had Hester "Bones" Crabtree make me a cup of tea. Hester is hard at work putting out sessions together...

Anyway I put on the BBC news and what do I see...Jenna Bush looking like a devil's spawn...i.e. a mix of both her mothers soulless eyes and her fathers stupid grin and a huge head, a very big head for a girl. She's on a book tour...It's written something...

Now this book is a non-fiction work about a teenager living with HIV/AIDS in Africa. I'm not going to comment on the book and maybe will have a few drinks and get it out of the library to see what it is about...Maybe there is something in that big head that differs from her parents ignorance...we'll see...

I'm still a bit chilly. I must say

Kisses, M

Nellie McKay = Magic

Hey Kids,

The one thing I really love about living in New York City is that I am able
to attend some wonderful events.

Last night my darling "Gay Fiance" MAN-ee, Berna , the lovely Nicole Horton and myself dragged our asses to Williamsburg. Yes, Williamsburg....even on the L train...If you don't know about the L train let me just say MargOH! was so overheated that my waterproof mascara became liquefied and I looked very Emo...so i fit right in...

The trip was well worth it and not just because of the special brownies our pal Nicole made but for my darling Nellie McKay.

Nellie is one of those performers who has it...I'm not sure what "it" is exactly..is it her sense of nostalgia?, is it her vintage style?, is it her charming wit?, is it her sparkling rich voice? Well i think "it" is all of those things.

My darling Nellie came out onto the stage with her books of music and dropped it on the floor in a heap. It has become her signature and what a fun entrance.

The first thing you notice about Nellie is her striking vintage flare... it's not easy to wear vintage clothes but she always chooses the perfect dress for herself. Last night it was a pink dress with a chiffon overlay ,very cute.

Then it's the voice which over the years just gets better and better. It has become very rich and full of warmth especially in the song "I am Nothing". Nellie of course can get cheeky and she does on "Mother of Pearl" and "Pounce". My favorite part of the evening was when she did a tribute to Kitty Carlisle Hart. Nellie said she felt so bad when she came to see "Threepenny Opera" because of all the foul language and that she was dressed in a yellow suit and looked like a very elegant bumblebee. Nellie then busted into " A night at the opera" in the 30's style that it was originally sung by Kitty and it was fantastic and spot on.

It was a fabulous evening and Nellie is in great form and I just think she is the tops. She is a modern day Peggy Lee, bold, brassy, cute and sassy.

We spent the evening sitting with her mom Robin and I must say she is a great lady. I told her Nellie is magic to me and she smiled knowing exactly what I meant...


Kids get your asses out and buy Nellie's new CD "Obligatory Villagers". It's fantastic!!

Kisses, MargOH!

New Show Promo

Hey Kids,

In honor of my international fans MargoH! is doing a command performance of "What makes a legend drink most?".

I plan to be on fire that night so get your asses to the duplex cabaret mother fuckers...

Kisses, MargOH!

Brett Somers

Hey Kids,

One of my favorite drinking pals has passed away. Brett Somers and I worked together on a Love Boat episode and became fast friends. She was a one of a kind gem and she will be missed.

I recall one time being invited to her house for a party when she was married to Jack Klugman and I had a blast. It was the seventies kids and it was a key party if you get my drift. That's when everyone swaps partners for a bit of the sex... It was my first and unfortunatly I picked Tony Randall....I loved Tony but he wasn't interested in banging me so we grabbed a cocktail and made moaning and groaning noises...I think he wanted Jamie farr from MASH but didn't have the balls to say so... He used this story for years to say he was straight...mmmm.

Anyway Brett was a blast and she was funny as hell. It was her natural state of being. She didn't have to try and be funny, she just was. Comic Genius!

The Pic I posted is of Brett and Charles Nelson Reilly, a great comic duo...

If you get a chance check out a "Match Game" episode or "The Odd Couple".

She was a real dame.

Kisses, MargOH!

MargOH! RAW: A Command Performance

Hey Kids,

I just booked a show , November 13 @ 9:30pm. I will be returning to the Duplex cabaret in the village. It's good to be in gaysville...

My friends from the UK are coming so I am doing the show and throwing an after party at my pad. Berna's going to get cleaning and sprucing up the joint.

See ya at the party kids...

Kisses, M

Chapter 2 "WHERE LIFE BEGINS" Session 1

Hey Kids,

Here is the first session of chapter 2 "Where Life Begins". We recorded these sessions in Provincetown while vacationing. We had so much fun and being by the ocean really made all my memories even more colorful and vivid.


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- MargOH! do you need a hat or anything. The sun is so hot today.

MargOH!- Oh, no Hester. I love the sun and I need it today and I also need that hunk over there, yawza, very sexy. My goodness, the beach is so gorgeous today.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Yes, he is cute isn't he. Yes, it is gorgeous but really hot, I'm sweating like crazy.

MargOH!- Here, let me spritz you with this (spritzing hester with water).
Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Is that vodka?, it smells of booze.

MargOH!- Yes, I put a little in the water spritzer, it's good for the skin you know Hester

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- I wasn't aware vodka was good for the skin

margOH! Oh, well That's what Sully says, so who knows(Laughing). Now , lets start with me leaving home today. If we need to go back about Sully or Salty we can. I just think this is the most important part of my story.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Sully has many odd home remedies (laughing) fish oil, vodka, I wonder what will be next (laughing). Yes, MargOH! of course we can start wherever you want.

MargOH!- Things were going horrible and mother was drinking more. I'd stopped going to school for the most part to help at the fish shop. Then one day Sully comes running in the store screaming and jumping up and down. She said there was a huge haul of Tuna coming in and that we were going to make a ton of money. Then like two minutes later loads of Tuna started being dumped off at the shop. It was insane, Rita, myself and Sully stated skinning a deboning right away. It was a bloodbath in that store with fish bones and carcases all over. We had to shut down for two days just to clean up. It was disgusting but that Tuna did as Sully said. Made her a ton of money. She of course ran out and bought new outfits, jewelry and like twenty pairs of shoes. She did give Rita and myself one full outfit, wow. She was so kind. Then she told us she was going to buy a car and was missing for two days. When she came back without the car I asked her where it was and she told me she decided to take us on a trip instead.

She grabbed me by both arms and told me we were going to New York City for a week. The she started crying and sobbing that we were also going to see Judy, Judy Garland that is, Live and in concert at Carnegie hall.


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Wow, MargoH! You must have been excited?

MargOH!- Oh, sure. It was more like disbelief. I couldn't believe that I a daughter of a fishmonger was going to see Dorothy live and in person. It was 1961, a year I will never forget. I was twelve and at that moment my world seemed glorious. Then Sully slapped Rita and I with the fact that she only had enough money for one ticket to the concert so she loaned us out to shuck oysters down at Fulton Fish market for one of her buddies for 5 days. I should have known that there was a catch. Sully was notorious for giving you something with strings.


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- How sad? You'd already worked so hard on the Tuna.

MargoH!- Yes, but I was used to Sully and her games. To me I just was so excited about going to New york and seeing Judy, it was worth it in my eyes. it turned out to be very hard work and our hands were bleeding by the end of it. You see all the scars on my hands, that's from that week.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Ouch! I see. You poor dear.

MargoH!- That wasn't the only thing bleeding, I got my first visit from my little friend that week. I asked Sully what to do and she said stick some tissue down there and don't bang anyone until I was eighteen.


Hester "Bones" Crabtree-Oh, dear! That is terrible.

MargoH!- Luckily it wasn't a very heavy flow that time so I just did what she said but I used a sock instead. The other thing that was bleeding was my nose when we got to our seats. We were so high up, it was scary. Once the overture started though it didn't matter. It was like magic. Judy walked onto the stage like she was walking on air. She then started to sing "When you're Smiling". Her voice boomed to the rafters. I started to shake and tears filled my eyes until a steady stream ran down my face. I looked to Sully and she also looked touched until I realized she had fallen asleep with her eyes open so I shook her and she yelled out get me another scotch and then slumped down in her chair.

I just looked back at the stage and as I watched Judy belt it out I knew I wanted to be a star. I then looked at Rita and grabbed her hand, then I realized that I couldn't go back to Bangor. That concert changed my life (sobbing). When we left that hall that night I broke free from Rita's had and got lost in the crowd. I remember exactly what i said. "See ya later Sully", then I turned back to the hall and said "Thank you, Judy"(crying and grabbing for tissue).


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- What a moment for you MargOH! I think we should stop here.


MargoH!- Yes, that's good. I'm going to take a dip in the ocean. When I get back I'll tell you about my Aunt Trudie.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Aunt Trudie? can't wait.

Kisses, MargOH!

Britney

Hey Kids,

I really am wondering who is handling Britney at the moment because they are doing a terrible job.

I wish her mother had taken me up on my offer for Berna and myself to manage her. I would have put Britney in a long sultry gown and had her belt out a ballad at the VMA's after a month of voice lessons of course.

It is obvious that she was pumped up on xanax or oxycontin or a horse tranquilizer because of her motionless body, that girl was relaxed....

What is really shocking is that her people do not realize that throwing her in skimpy outfits just doesn't work any longer. You can tell she knew she stunk and the choices being made for her and by her are just plain stupid.....

I'm calling out to Britney to let me handle her career and she will be back on top...MargOH! knows how to spin shit into gold and potato's into vodka...

Britney Lets work it girl!!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Chapter 1 "Little Star" Session 4

Hey Kids,

Here's the 4th installment of Chapter 1...



Hester"Bones" Crabtree- Wow, MargoH! It must have been horrible to lose your father so suddenly and then find out he wasn't your father at all?

MargOH!- Yes, Well, no. I think I blocked that out at the time and made believe she never said it. The only daddy I knew was my daddy Salty and I loved him, Rita and I both did. I think we were the only ones that thought he was a good man. The rest of the family thought he was a screw-up. I mean he had a few problems but who doesn't.

Hester"Bones" Crabtree-What kind of problems, drinking?

MargOH!- Oh, well everyone in my family were booze hounds so they always looked at it like and I quote Sully "We're not drunks, we just like to drink, there is a big difference"(laughing). I kind of took on that motto, Hester! Berna get me another martini (laughing). The problem was that Daddy secretly liked transsexuals. He had a fascination with Ed Wood and would watch that movie Glen or Glenda over and over on his projector along with some other tranny reels he had. He was either working in the fish store or in the shack watching porn. He loved us though and always gave us candy and ice cream.

Hester"Bones" Crabtree-Well, at least you knew he loved you as if you were his own?

MargOH!- Oh, I think he thought I was his, Sully never told him about Briney.

Hester"Bones" Crabtree- Oh, I see. It's all a bit confusing. Did you ever try to find Briney?

MargOH!- No, not at all. There wasn't any time. I was eight years old and was put to work in the fish shop. Rita and I were like Sully's little slaves. She would open the store and stay a few minutes and then run to the local pub "scuppers" for a few boiler makers then return and slump in her chair. We were always taking orders, waiting on customers. I was tall for my age so I could see over the counter. Rita did most of the skinning and deboning. God, I hated it especially shucking oysters.

I told "Snappy" I wanted to move in with her but they had no room with all the butlers they had. Plus, she pretty much cut off Sully after daddy died so she hardly came around. She also treated me a bit different after Sully spilled the beans about my real father. Instead of calling me her "Little Star" she called me her "Little Orphan Haddie"(grabbing tissues and sobbing).

Honestly, I was never convinced that this Briney person was my father. Sully slept with a lot of the merchant marines and fisherman. It could have been any one really. This portion of my life from eight to twelve were really dark for me. I knew I had to leave Bangor but didn't know how to. I knew why I had to leave but didn't know the when and the where.

Hester"Bones" Crabtree- MargOH! you had a lot to deal with at a young age, very traumatic. I'm not sure how you made it through?


MargOH!- I think I always knew I would pull myself out of the tragic elements of my life. You learn how to deal with life when you are looking from the bottom up. I'm not saying I'm unique, Hester. If you can take those little positive things in your life, even if it's being called "Little Star". That's something to build on and I had the sense to know that, Hester. Do you know what I mean, Hester?

Hester"Bones" Crabtree- Yes, I do understand (tears, blowing nose). You still are that "Little Star" looking up aren't you

MargOH!- Well,....

Hester"Bones" Crabtree- No, that's a rhetorical question, I know you are. I think this is a perfect ending to chapter one. Let's start chapter two in Provincetown.

MargOH!- Oh, grand. Yes, being by the ocean will inspire me, by all means lets pick up down there.


Kids, we'll be back with chapter 2..

Is this what NYC has become? (Very sad)

Chapter 1 "Little Star" Session 3

Hey Kids,

Here is the third installment of the book..

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Now MargOH! you spoke of a scandal about your step grandfather Jonathan Jones. What was it all about?

MargOH!-(Burp)Oh, excuse me, that cheddar cheese is so heavy. The scandal, mmm. It devastated "Snappy". She was a quivering mess. It really was a shame. Jonathan was caught giving a hummer to a sailor in the bathroom at "Scuppers".

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Whats so bad about Humming MargOH!?

MargOH!-(Laughing, Laughing and more Laughing) You really are from Maine aren't you dear. A Hummer is a special word for cock sucking, giving head, a blow job Hester.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Oh! dear. I didn't know. That is terrible

MargOH!- Well, I mean it's really not terrible, I 've given quite a few in my day Hester. It can be rewarding.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- No, I meant for your grandmother, she must have been devastated.

MargOH!- Yes, of course. "Snappy" was very proud. I think she was more upset that he did it in the bathroom. I remember them arguing about it and she said "Why couldn't you just suck it here you idiot, now everyone knows you are a queen". He was pretty stupid, even Sully knew to do everything behind closed doors. After that Jonathan lost his credibility and lost most of his local business. Not that he stopped sucking cock, mind you. "Snappy" started hiring rather gay butlers after that to keep Mr. Jones in the house. She really was a smart woman and she even hired one for herself. In the end they were a very happy couple. We moved out right after that mess. My daddy "salty" finished the new house. It was cute, it had a bathroom, very swank (laughing).

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- How many rooms did this home have?


MargOH!- it was huge, it was a cape style. I think it had 6 or 7. Rita and I had our own rooms, so it was 3 bedrooms. Daddy did a great job, it was pretty. Of course Sully complained about everything. She drove him mad with her complaining, nothing was good enough for her. She became more of a nightmare when she won the state chowder cook off at the local fair. It was actually a lobster bisque. It was the first time a bisque had won. She ran around the house drinking scotch and making demands saying "I'm the chowder queen and you must do as I say". She rubbed it daddy's face because he entered his seafood chowder and didn't place, he was defeated.

Please, I won "Little Miss Crabclaw" at the fair and it wasn't even acknowledged. Well "Snappy" was there. One of the butlers made me this fabulous gown, with a fishtail of course. I performed one of "Snappy's" original songs "Blow Jonny Blow". It was a big hit. Sully even took my tiara and wore it, she was such an attention hog , really.

I was almost eight when Sully went too far and daddy got really drunk on his shine, they had a big fight. He broke her chowder cook-off trophy and she went ballistic. Rita and I were hiding under the table for the devil came out of that woman that night. I swear her head spun around and everything. She tried to stab daddy but he got out of the house. It was the last time we saw him (MargOH! grabs a tissue, crying)

Berna Bring me a dirty martini, I'm not sure if I can go on.


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Are you OK? MargOH!, its important we get the whole story. Berna make me one too.


Berna- Oh, sure! I'll get it for you Hester. Oh, Please stop that whining, at least you had a father ya old whore. here's your drinks. it's only 8:30 am ya know. Guess the 12pm rule is out the door.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree-Berna, do you have t be so mean, really. This is not easy for MargOH! It's hard to go down memory lane.

MargOH!- Oh, that's okay Hester, Berna's a mean old bitch, no matter(Takes a Huge sip). Get me another Bern.

Now, yes. I can do this. It was the last time we saw daddy alive, that is. He stumbled out of the house. He was missing for a week before they found him by the Jetty down in Bar Harbor. They said they found him dead covered in Starfish, sucked alive. I'll never forget it. Ranger Bob came to the door and told us daddy was dead and Sully didn't even cry. She took the starfish Ranger Bob gave her that he said they pulled off his mouth and handed it to me and said. "Here's something to remember your father by. I started to cry. Then Sully said "Don't cry Haddie(MargOH!'s real name), he wasn't your real father anyway, your real father is a man named Briney Boggs".

I stood there in shock holding a dead starfish (crying). Rita hugged me and Sully gabbed her purse and left the house. I felt very alone and confused.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- My goodness, MargOH! I didn't know. How horrible! I think we should take a break.

MargoH!- Yes, that would be best. I need to call my agent Shecky anyway and see why Willard Scott got my voice over gig for "Smuckers". That old coot!


I'll be back...

Kisses, MargOH!

I'll be back

Hey Kids,

I'm feeling much better. Hester and I are putting the next section of Chapter 1 up soon...And I'm getting a new video camera to use this new video blogger thingy....Thanks for your patience kids...August has been a crazy month..

Kisses, MargOH!

MargOH!'s got the Flu

Hey Kids,

I can't believe it...I've got the bug, the flu, the rickets or whatever you want to call it... I haven't been this sick since 1978 when I got ill after making out with Disco sally at studio 54, she had some sort of fungus on those denture's.. anyway...

My doctor told me that this may be a warning sign of the menopause...I doubt it, Sully, that's mother is 86 and still is fertile and zesty. I think I've been staying in too much..after the last shows I was pooped so I've been bunkered in. I think I've got to dust of my webs and head out for a party....

Berna get me a bottle of ginger brandy and some tabasco..I gotta get rid of this sore throat and get my ass outta here.

I'll be back this week with more of my memoirs so stay tuned..

Kisses, MargOH!

Chapter 1 "Little Star"

Hey Kids,

This is my first post towards chapter one. Hester is recording everything so this was our first session word for word. I will be posting this as it was recorded but Hester is creating chapters for my book. How exciting?

Kisses, M

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "Good Morning, MargOH! Can I get you a juice or coffee before we start

MargoH! Channing- "Good Morning, Hester. Did you sleep well? Are you sure sharing the bed with Berna is not too much? Juice...as long as there is champagne in it dear".

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "OH, Miss Channing of course. I'm sorry, let me get you a mimosa."

MargOH! Channing- "Yes, dear that would be best and please call me MargOH!, Miss. Channing is for Carol and please put the drink in that 36oz champagne glass. The first chapter will be hideous to get through".

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "Here you are Ms., Oh, I mean MargOH! Let me fluff up that pillow. I love the Sete' you bought for this, it's gorgeous".

MargOH! Channing- "Thank you, hopefully Berna won't get it dirty".

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "Where would you like to begin? Your career, your childhood? we can go in any order you would like"

MargOH! Channing- "The beginning of course, I think I'll start from the beginning, I think that's best Hester but please get me another Mimosa first"

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "You're done already, Oh, of course MargOH!"

MargoH! Channing- "Just bring the champagne, forget the juice"

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- "Here you are, ready, okay here we go. MargOH! where were you born?"

Working Title- An Unscripted life- The True MargOH! Channing


Chapter One- "Little Star"

I was born May 20, 1948 in a boat on a small pier in Bar Harbor, Maine. The family actually lived in Bangor but my daddy worked the piers as he was a Fish monger. My mother Sully said she was hauling haddock off a boat when she started to go into labor. I was born in 8 minutes after her water broke, so she says. In later years she started calling me Orca after that movie came out because she said I spilled onto the deck. Unfortunatly she decided to name me haddock, haddie for short because of the circumstances.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- So your real name is Haddock? How facsinating. What was your home life like?

It was always hectic. Making a living off of fish is hectic and tiring work. My daddy Salty worked very hard and he tried his best to provide for us. He was a third generation Fish monger and for some reason still lived in the family home. The home was actually a shack that my great grandfather built but my daddy added rustic floors he got from a shipwreck and a second floor. We had no running water or plumbing though and I still can remember the smell of fish and crap. It stunk! The shack was very small with a living area and woodburning stove/cooker thing. The second floor had two bedrooms and that was it. I remember my parents fighting all the time about the shack and Sully screaming that we needed to move. She got her wish when I was 2, no it was 3. Sully accidently fell asleep smoking one of her cigarettes and the place went up in minutes. We all got out because one of the walls just fell over, it was that rickety. You know I was a small child but I remember everything, isn't that strange Hester? I think it was all the fish oil, all those anti-oxidents...


Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Hmmmm


We then moved in with my grandmother "Snappy" Channing who had divorced my grandfather Sammy and married a wealthy Lumber Tycoon named Jonathan Jones. It is the house that Stephen King now owns. I remember being very excited about our new surroundings with grand staircases, fresh lush linens and toilets.

My grandmother was a very elegant woman and a smart dresser, thus her nickname. I'm not even sure what her real name was. I'll have to ask Sully. I do know one thing she hated my mother, mmm and my father as well. I think she hated my mother because they were very much alike, very strong willed and wanting more. She hated my father because she percieved him as weak. I think he was just gentle and was misunderstood. Grandmother loved me though. I remember her sitting at the grand piano singing shanty songs to me. She liked me to dance along and she told me I had lots of talent and that I was going places. She called me her "Little Star". I never could get that step -ball-change down, I didn't have any talent, really.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Miss Cha.., I mean MargOH!, you are very talented.

MargoH! Channing- Thank you, talented, not really, driven yes. Talent is in the eye of the beholder, Hester. It's what you make them feel...the more connection to them the bigger the talent. I don't get Tom Hanks, do you Hester? He makes me feel like crap. Get me another bottle of Champagne hester. Judy Garland had the most talent of all..Oh, Judy.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Oh, yes! One moment. Here you go, squeeze, not pop, right got it. Tom Hanks, he's okay. I think we're off track, Your grandmother.


Oh, yes. We lived with her for 2 years. My father built us a new house all on his own. Hester Can we take a break...I have to drop it on the one.

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Um, Oh , sure. Drop it on the one? MargOH!

MargOH!- I have to do number two Hester...

Hester "Bones" Crabtree- Oh, let me shut this off...

MargOH!'s going Loco, Oh I mean Logo

Hey Kids,

I'm back and had a fab vacation. Hester and I did a lot of my memoirs on the beach so I'll be posting the first part of chapter one after an edit.

So, I get back last night and flip on LOGO and they were having this debate/forum with presidential hopefuls.... It was more like a Gay marriage love fest...who is , who isn't, who may like it after their journey...It was all very...bad if you ask me!

Yes, it was historic in the sense that the forum happened and that is great but I thought that it was poorly presented....I only drank a half bottle of champagne, if something is good I usually have 2 at least...I spent most of the evening asking Berna if I was Bi and she a tranny because all I saw was a lot of polished gay men and a lesbian with a mullet...I also spent 20 minutes trying to get a viewer question through...but they only asked 2 in two hours...very strange I say.

Also, there are a lot of issues that weren't even covered, like the Iraq war(just a little war that's ruining the world), Health care(elderly gays need more help and housing), Billie Jean King(she has a fitness center and still weighs 220) and of course Human rights or does Human rights = Gay Marriage now..I guess so...

You all know MargOH! doesn't like to get to serious but c'mon here kids....We can and should do better for all of the community, not just the LOGO community of performers and a single trans and a Lesbian couple just to say they did.We need all of the LGBT community represented during these forums and we need to ask better questions.

Oh, I liked the 2 guys that have no chance of winning..Gravel and Kucinich. Just for the record the last time I looked a love child wore more colorful outfits. They speak the truth as they know it and isn't that refreshing.

Kisses, MargOH!

Vacation...All I ever wanted

Hey Kids,

MargOH!'s taking a week or so off to enjoy some rest and relaxation. I'm heading down to provincetown with my new friend and co-writer Hester, Linda Hunt, Polly Holiday and my gay fiance Jeff.. Berna was supposed to be going but she said she may join later in the week. I thought it best that I get around the shore to enhance my memory about my life and family....very exciting...

We've rented a lovely home, well I mean I'm not paying for it...I am a celebrity damn it! I'm staying at Diane VB's...it's a bit of a shack but we'll deal...Fried clams for everyone....By the looks of this picture I need a vacation....

I'll be back next week with the first chapter of my memoirs...it's very exciting!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Berna "Gaffer" for Letterman

Hey kids,

I hadn't seen Berna in over a week and the house is in shambles. I'm not sure what she thinks I pay her for.... She was away for weeks looking for the "Stumpy Jones" money which has now been divided up...but I borrowed Linda Hunt's maid Jo Jo to pick up around the house. Unfortunately Jo Jo told Linda she'd never do it again because she hurt her back taking out the recyclables. I guess champagne bottles do get heavy...

Anyway I went and knocked on Glenda the supers door. He came, I mean she came to the door all cranky and looked worse than usual. "have you seen Berna" , I asked. "Yeah, I got her a job filling in for one of my union buddies at the Letterman show". she replied.

"What", I said.

Glenda went on to tell me that Berna is the head "Gaffer" on the David Letterman show indefinitely. She started to tell me what a gaffer was but I know it's the electrician or lights manager, etc. Berna can barely change a light bulb, how in the hell did she get this job....

Glenda said she was winging it but my Friend said they love her. Glenda also added she's been hanging out with all the guests and going to parties. She spent 3 nights at Glenn Close's apartment re wiring her mood lighting. She's also been sitting on Dave's desk chatting and drinking tea with him before the taping. I swear that Berna can step in shit and still smell like a rose. Glenda also added that with overtime and bonuses she'll be pulling in six figures and maybe i should think being her apprentice...

How dare she!! I gotta get to the bottom of this and put the lights out on Berna's little moonlighting job. I mean working for Kathie Lee is one thing but Letterman is stepping way over the line....

Kisses, MargOH!

A New Chapter

Hey kids,

I'm very excited to let you know I'll be starting a new chapter of my blog...literally.

About a month ago I had a lovely woman named Hester come see my last show. After the show she introduced herself as the roving reporter for the "Bangor Penny Saver". She stated that she was sick of doing profiles on Stephen King (the most famous Bangor resident, she added that I was becoming a close second). How nice of her!

Anyway, she asked me if I'd ever thought of writing my memoir's? She added that everyone does now even if they only have one hit single but my career has spanned over decades and what an interesting read it would be.

Hester was very intense that I write a book, she also was very pushy about the fact that she would help me. I was at first a little hesitant but after she told me that her father now owned the fish shop where my father's store once stood I felt a bit misty and told her I would think about it.

After about forty dirty martini's and a bottle of champers I decided to tell Hester I would do it. I called her and told her that it would be a painful process for me but if I could get through it I would give her the exclusive. She took a drive down to see us this weekend...

Hester said that she would have to move in with Berna and I. Her dream was to pen this book directly from my words, we would tape record everything. At first I didn't realize what I was getting myself into, a stranger in my house for months? I had a second thought but then Hester said she would do light housekeeping and do liquor runs or whatever I needed for free. She said she could do her Penny saver duties via the Internet. I was still a little unsure....

Then Hester presented me with something she said she found while playing in back of the fish shop many years earlier. She said she was sure it belonged to my family. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was my daddies harmonica. I knew it was his because he had engraved his name on it "Salty" with his boning knife. It was a sign from daddy and I hugged Hester and told her to go home and get her things and get back as soon as possible. We had a book to write. She'll be back next week!

I called mother, that's Sully to let he know and that she better get ready because I was gonna spill the beans about our past. She was not happy at all but was to busy calling numbers at the Fish mongers Bingo that she told me as long as I don't reveal her age she didn't give a shit, how sweet!! BTW she's 86...LOL but honestly she looks 56, i think its all the cod liver oil she drinks and smears on her face.

This post is to let you know that Hester "Bones" Crabtree will be taking to writing my memoirs on this very blog. I will from time to time still keep you updated on my whereabouts and fun things, jobs, parties and of course let my fans know how much I adore them...

This is going to be exciting...move over Mr. King MargOH!'s telling her story!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Linda and Joan

Joan- Oh, Linda darling I can't believe we are working together again..Are you still with that instrumentalist?

Linda- Joan you know I've been divorced from him for years or do you have the onset of Alzheimer's, finally?

Joan- Now, Linda don't be insulted. Did you have more work? I don't recall you having such big lips on Dynasty..

Linda- Should I buy you a new wig baldie, yours is looking a bit tattered

Joan- How dare you!

Linda- Oh, Joan just shut up and smile for the damn picture so we can have a drink!

Joan- Cheers, Linda..

Kisses, MargOH!

Kathy Griffin Dream

Hey kids,

I gotta tell you that I woke up in a hot sweat this morning.

I had a dream that I opened for Kathy Griffin at a Rib joint in Sugarland Texas. You know the home of that little skating wonder bitch Tara Lapinski.

The dream started out fun with Kathy myself and Tara eating hot wings and all you can eat ribs from a place called Mo Greasies. We were washing them down with $2 margarita's. Life can't really get better than that...$2 Margarita's...please i had about 10 which would add up to 2 drinks in New York.

Tara was actually quite fun in the dream. She showed us the Johnny Weir tattoo she had put on her ass. He was in chaps and a cock ring and Tara said he was her gay dream boy.

Anyway, shoot to the show and I'm standing backstage waiting to go on but for some reason Tara was riding a horse around the stage trying to lasso gay cowboys in the audience. Kathy was screaming at Tara telling her not to hijack her gay cowboys and was chasing her and the horse around the stage.

It was a surreal dream!

I was trying to figure out what the name was for Bulls balls but I couldn't so I started whining to Kathy and she told me that drag queens don't cry. I of course responded...I'm not a drag queen and she was mistaken. The she said aren't you a Linda Dano impersonator..

AAAAh! I screamed and then woke up with Bulls balls on my mind...I got up and made a mimosa and had Berna make meat a rack of meatballs..Very scary dream....

Kisses, MargOH!

RIP Tammy Faye

Hey Kids,

I've spoken about how much I adored Tammy Faye. I like the article that I linked.

I'm a bit misty because I feel like we lost a very fun and Friendly soul.

A little zany, a little crazy , a little bad, a little sweet, a lot of love!

Kisses, MargOH!

OH! No Brigitte Nielson

Hey Kids,

One of my old drinkin pals has checked into rehab. AaargH! My girl Brigitte Nielson who I got to know after I did a bit part in Red Sonja is at a undisclosed rehab.

Brigitte is not addictive, she just like to drink like me. She must have started taking some pills or a little coke...After she got involved with that Flavor Flav she started getting a bit wild.

I gotta get Berna to find out where she is so I can send her a basket of assorted...booze. I'll have my liquor store to have them throw it together. I don't want her getting too thirsty.

It seems like ever since that Damn Amy Winehouse song every ones checkin into Rehab..but I think she is the one that really needs to go...

Kisses, MargOH!

MargoH! attends Soprano's Farewell party

Hey Kids,

I went to the Soprano's farewell party and it was a bit sad. I didn't realize I was going to be mistaken for a call girl. I also didn't know I was suppose to wear a teddy. The girls were required to only be in a teddy or some sort of underwear.

I didn't wear any panties because I was hoping the paparazzi would catch a minge shot when I hiked up my wrap dress.

They were very pushy at the door and told me I couldn't come in with a dress on. I told the guy that I had nothing on underneath it and his said bada bing. I demanded that he get Michael Imperioli.

Michael came to the door and gave me a big hug and swept the doorman away. You see I played henchman's lady # 6 in the first season of the damn show. I quickly realized this party was thrown by all the bit players and Michael was the biggest celeb there. The rest of the party was filled with gals in there teddy's. No big surprise but Nicky Knockers, Stoli and Berna were huddled in a corner doing tequila slammers. Berna was wearing a teddy but the whole thing looked like a thong, it was a bit small.

I left Michael to join them and asked them what the hell they were doing there. They went on to tell me that Nicky was sent a limo from Steven Schirripa. Nice, i had to take the damn train.

I grabbed a drink but then all the party girls started trying to unwrap my wrap dress. It was turning into a real Caligula's den. Berna, my wardrobe mistress was humping some gal named Pebo by the grill, Nicky Knockers was stuffing my semi-daughter's face in between her tits a la Robin Byrd.

Of course I started making out with some girl named Tonya T because honestly the men were few and far between. She was wearing the most tasty lip gloss so I asked her what it was and she said it wasn't lip gloss and that she just eaten out her friend Lita in a three way in the bathroom.

Yikes, I thought! I really gotta find out what Lita's diet is because she tasted like Thin mints...

In the end I must say this party was a bit trashy and not that much fun but I guess they wanted to make the farewell party much like the last episode.

Kisses, MargOH!

Liza's wearing her nighty again

Hey Kids,

You know I love my Liza but she kills me when she wears her lounging pants and or a nighty to an event.

I have to get my costumer to get sewing on a hot little number like this...

Life is a cabaret afterall!

Kisses, M

MargOH! profiled on "Best Gay Blogs"

Hey Kids,

MargOH! had been profiled by "Best gay Blogs". They did a little interview and overview of my thoughts of the blog.

It was nice to be included since many of my favorite blogs have been profiled and had great success getting their message out.

There were a couple of typo's but that is typical for MargOH! I usually drink a few cocktails before and interview so they may have missed a few words, etc.....LOL

Kisses, MargOH!

MargOH!'s going to Fashion Week

Hey Kids,

Yes, it's true MargOH! is going to fashion week in the fall. I have been before and it usually is a scene.

This time will be fun though because I've been invited by my myspace pal Zach. He is cute as a button and an upcoming Stylist/fashion designer. He is so sweet and is having MargOH! model some Jewelry for many of the shows. I of course only plan to attend shows that are Anti-fur as not to piss off my PETA peeps.

Zach is only 21 and how gorgeous MargoH! will look with that on her arm....LOL. I hope he can hang with me as far as the drinking goes.

I'm going to have Berna call ahead and make sure the tent is stocked with enough champagne. Don't laugh when I went two years ago they ran out and later I landed a European ad campaign for "Krug". They couldn't believe how much I could drink and still look this good.

They called the campaign "Drink Krug and you can look ageless". For some reason the ads only ran in Poland and Lithuania. Go Figure!

I can't wait! I put Little Zachery's link so you can check him out!

Kisses, MargoH!

MargOH! stripped of Junior Miss Lobster Claw Crown

Hey Kids,

Thanks a lot Miss New Jersey Amy Polumbo!

Last night I got a call from the director of the Annual Lobster Festival to let me know that I was stripped of my Junior Miss Lobster Claw Crown, bastard! It was my only title!

You see when I was 10 I won this Junior Beauty pageant that was part of the Lobster Festival. Unfortunately it was the last year they held the pageant because most of the children from Maine were hideous, anyway I never had to give up my crown.

Every year I would get an invite to come to the opening day parade. I went a few times in my 20's and once when I was like 36 but the sash got way to small and the crown lost all of it's rhinestones.

I stopped getting the letters and had forgotten about it until two years ago when I received an adult sized sash and new crown. The Mayor of Bangor asked if I would go and promote the new Junior Miss Lobster Claw Pageant they were trying to revive. He said that they had an influx of New Yorker's moving there and the kids were getting cuter. I asked for a small fee of $10,000 and went back for a photo shoot and small parade they put together.

It was fun and they did manage to pull off the pageant and a girl by the name of Sadie Rose Jones won. She was a pesky 12 year old from Portland. I didn't care for her at all and told the judges they'd regret crowning her. I reluctantly handed over the responsibility. I couldn't believe that her platform was new ways of "Lobster Torture" she called it. She said that pulling off the eyes before putting them in the boiling water would be easier for them because they wouldn't see they were being killed. It just didn't make sense but the judges ate it up.

Anyway, I go on with my life as a past beauty queen until I get a call 6 months later saying that Sadie Rose Jones had a change of heart and joined PETA. They couldn't have that...So again I was Junior Miss Lobster Claw.

I didn't mention to them that I was also a member of PETA and that I had stopped eating lobster years ago. I know, I know but they paid me ten grand.

I had planned on going up again this month to hand off the crown again.

Then I get the call telling me that I'd been stripped of the crown because of the cooter picture I had on my blog. "How very dare they" I said. It was a moment in my show and just happened by accident. He said they could not take a chance after all the controversy over Miss New Jersey's photo scandal and the embarrassment of Sadie Rose Jones PETA Pickle.

I can't believe it and I am a bit sad seeing is that I was the longest running title holder in the history of festival pageants.

I must call PETA and have them picket that festival for little old MargOH! or I should start a "Save MargOH!'s Crown" campaign.

Damn, Damn, Damn!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Kobayashi meats Berna, Joey Chestnut eats MargOH!

Hey kids,

Didn't get a chance to tell you but Berna and I headed out to the Nathan's hot dog eating contest last week. Many of you don't know this but Berna was one of the first competitive eaters before it became a true sport. Her specialty was Bratwurst, she could eat that by the pounds. She loved her brat's and not only for eating but we'll talk about that another time. I feel bad for Berna sometimes because I know she gets a bit misty and Jealous of the way the sport has taken off.She is limited now because of the gastric bypass and can only eat 1/2 a bratwurst at a time. i did tell her to try rice pudding and she's working on that, old Berna what a trooper.

There were times when I was bored and would challenge old Berna to a contest. My specialty is crisps. I've been know to eat 15-17 bags of Lays potato chips in one sitting. I wash them down with vodka/tonics. The combination is yummy.

Anyway we get to Coney Island and Berna sees one of her eating pals by the name of "The Black widow". When we were in Bangkok she came to do a Pad Thai eating contest at my cabaret. The poor thing lost in a landslide to Berna but the "judge" got a little drunk drinking martini's with MargoH! that it never got recorded and Berna was screwed yet again.

She and Berna hugged and kissed and told us that after the competition she would introduce us to the great Kobayashi. She told us he was going to lose this year because he was having Jaw problems due to arthritis but she said she thought it was because he sucking too many cocks. She's a bit vindictive so i took that comment with a grain of salt.

Though her prediction was right, he lost to Joey Chestnut by a few dogs. Berna was wild during the competition, screaming and yelling, not at the contestants but more like ranting and raving in disgust because she wanted to be part of it. They had to restrain her to make sure she didn't get on camera, she can be so embarrassing.

"The Black Widow" invited us to the after party and we followed her to one of the tents. As we walked in I saw the bar and made a b-line and grabbed a martini while Berna made a b-line for Kobayashi. He jumped back and was a bit afraid but then Berna turned on the old charm and in a few moments they were laughing and carrying on like old friends. They shared a hot dog together but poor Kobayashi puked it back up. I heard Berna say "I wouldn't mind working on your hot dog" and they went behind the portable Johns...yikes.

I turned for another drink and Joey Chestnut was standing there looking all googly eyed. "Hey, I haven't seen a girl like you around here before", I replied "Well that's because I'm not a girl I'm a lady", he chuckled and spat a piece of hot dog onto my face....mmm how sweet. I took a napkin and wiped it off in hopes of later selling it on eBay.

I told Joey about my potato chip fetish and he didn't believe I could eat so many bags of chips. I told him I could and he bet me. I told him if i could eat 15 bags of Lays in 10 minutes he would have to eat me, it had been a while and there really is something sexy about a man sucking on a hot dog. He was game!

I grabbed Berna from behind the toilet and told her to go get me 15 99 cent bags of lays and make it snappy.

To make a long story short Joey was amazed at my potato chip skills but I was not as impressed. I think he should really stick to eating dogs.

Joey did tell me that I really was all that and a bag of chips. What a sweety!

Oh, by the way I haven't seen Berna since, I saw her running down the street with "The Black widow" and Kobayashi mmmm....

Kisses, MargOH!

Stumpy got the Money

Hey kids,

It's been a while since I let you in on the mystery of Stoli jones, my surrogate daughter...thankfully not my biological spawn. Though I am sure if I had children they would be gorgeous and well adjusted...to drinking.

Any who, I had sent Nicky Knockers and Stoli back to Stumpy's place where her said he buried a wad of cash. After doing more reading of Stumpy's notes I found out that there was nearly 750, 000. I decided to send Berna as well to monitor their progress and make sure they didn't try and run off with my loot. I think I deserve a hunk of that cash, don't you? I was the one who suffered the most from this tragic story. I figured I could take 400, 000 and let them fight over the rest. Honestly I haven't been working much lately. My extra roles have been slim and my agent Shecky's attempt to get me work in the tween market failed miserably. I don't think "the wiggles" was quite right for my talents. I did of course complete my re shoots for "Hairspray". I played John T's body double and let me tell you that body suit reeked, he stinks and he accidentally took a crap in it while doing "the madison", that's a dance. They tried to clean it but honestly it still was a bit rank.

Anyway, Nicky and Stoli dug up the whole back yard and have only recovered 100,000 grand. They are on their way back to recharge and then we're going to bulldoze the house and front yard next. I may go to supervise this next wave because I have a sinking feeling they may have been holding out on MargOH! I noticed that Nicky's eyes were looking awfully rejuvenated in her last head shot... mmm a little nip/tuck..

Okay kids gotta run but I'll be back .

Kisses, M

Bad MargOH!

Hey kids,

I'll be starting up my blog again thursday. I'm still on post-show bliss and will be getting back to my daily updates. here's a couple more pics from the show.

Have a happy 4th. Berna and I are going to Mickey and Jan Rooney's for their "Yankee doodle dandy" party.

kisses, MargOH!