Joining Berna

Hey Kids,

It was another fun filled weekend but MargOH! had a little setback.

I did a private performance that went wonderful and met some lovely people. The party was a house warming for a Princess and her Prince. That is all I can say due to their wanting to keep a low Royal profile in the city.

The party was just lovely and of course I knocked them dead... Though I had performed at the retirement home it had been a while since I performed for Royalty. It was a little nerve filled and I grabbed for the GIN.

You all know I have been off Gin for a while now. I was weaned off GIN by Dr. Beefachaki using a controversial method of drinking only Sake at his clinic in Hawaii. I had been doing so well but it was all too much for me and I said hello to Mr. Beefeater. Bad, Bad MargOH!...

GIN has this hold on me and I sometimes do things I normally wouldn't do on say Vodka martinis. Things can become very "Rosemary's baby" for me when I mess with the Gin and can become well lets just say weird.

I quickly called the place where I sent Berna, very chic place. They sent a car for me and I am resting just fine. I am having a simple electric shock therapy. I am going to stay for a week. That should be enough and it will give me time to prepare for my second meeting at Lifetime. They are biting on the idea of my show "MargOH! Unleashed".

I'll keep ya posted,

Oh dear I think I just saw George Michael.

he too fell off the wagon... But GHB, that is so 90's... Poor thing..

Kisses Kids,

MargOH!

Still Cleaning

Hey Kids,

Sorry I've been on the DL.

I am still cleaning up... Yes that's right cleaning. Berna is still recovering from her wild week with Gary Busey. I checked her into rehab to detox. She is such a handful and not very grateful. It is me who slept with Dr. Chow to get her free gastric bypass surgery afterall.

It's true what they say. Good help is hard to find!!!

Kids I'll be back with more updates. I am actually performimg at a private event today and will wrap about that next.

Kisses,

MargOH!

Home... What a disaster

Hey Kids,

I made it home in one piece and with the proper identity. It was a wild time at the
Olympics. The one thing I have learned from the American athletes is that they know how to party. I swear I only slept about 5 hours in 5 days, yikes. Now I am a party girl but I still need a little ugly sleep so I can look hot. Kids don't forget I'm going to be 58 this year, wow.

Well when I got home it was a disaster. The place was in shambles and Berna was three sheets to the wind. To make matters worse she was only wearing a sheet. My darling pooch kim fung was licking up all the Champagne that Berna had dropped. She was tanked too. I did a quick scan of the room and saw something else bundled up under a sheet. I walked over and poked it with my USA Team signed hockey stick (It read, To MargOH! The girl with one hell of a Slapshot, our asses are still red. Thanks again , Team USA). What lovely boys they are and they surely love a bit of the bondage, yum!

So I then poked a little harder and the sheet fell slightly to show that it was Gary Busey. I shrieked with fear, he's crazy, he's always been crazy. I had a small role in the Buddy Holly Story and he was drinking and carrying on back then. I of course don't think drinking is bad as long as you can maintain proper conduct until yet get behind closed doors of course.

He moved a bit and opened his eyes "Hey MargOH! old girl, How you been sexy" as he pulled me down on him.

" Listen Busey unhand me, and what have you been doing with Berna",
I demanded.
"C'mon Maggie , I saw the old gal at McSwiggan's and we did some boiler makers", he replied.

"Listen, Gary. Berna is having her Gastric Bypass on St. Patricks day and she needs her rest", I said.

"She 's gonna miss St Patty's day, that sucks" as he got up and stumbled a bit.

Berna started to wake up as well and then fell back down exposing her naked flesh

" I have had it, Gary get the hell out", I screamed

" Maggie old girl what's going on, you used to be a lot of fun, now you gettin cranky in your old age", Gary said

" Old age, Gary I'm 58 years young but look at this mess", I said. "Stop calling me old and get those hands off of me", I added.

"C'mon Maggie, you remember how much fun we had in my trailer, wanna go for it again", he asked.

"MMM,, Gary that was years ago and you were cute then", I said. 'Now you're just sloppy", I added

"C'mon Maggie I still got it in the right places", he begged.

" Yeah but I think your places have been near Berna's and I don't want to go there. I Have Standards ya know", I said

" C'mon Maggie Neil Sedaka's got nothing on me", he said

" Yes he does, Talent and how dare you bring that up, Neil is hot and at least clean"
I said. " Now get out", I added.

I led him down to the door and called the doorman to have them help but Gary went quietly.

"Can you believe this"?

"Berna is gonna get it when she wakes up. She's gonna be cleaning for days. Look at all of these crushed Cheetos. Kim Fung eat them up girl, Good Dog".

"Just for the record Kids I only Blew Gary". " It was the fashion in 78, all that polyester made him look hot".

Kisses Kids,

MargOH!

"Krumpin" for my Wallet

Hey kids,

Well I spent the night at the airport security lodging. What a night...

The authorities went to find Bode and he verified my identity. I think he was a bit upset since they woke him at 4am. This was the night before the Super G and he did Super bad. When they released me I did send him a note attached to some Boones saying how sorry I was.

I arrived back at my hotel where some of the skaters who opted out of the olympic village also stayed. I went to the desk to see if anyone had handed in my wallet. I was pleasantly suprised to find that it had been returned. I opened it up and everything was there but about 100 bucks. I immediatly asked who returned it and everyone got very quiet. I asked again and the desk clerk pointed to a woman sulking in the lobby. He said she had checked into my room after a bad skate in the ice dance competition. I turned and it was Barbara Fusar Poli, yikes.

I went straight over to her and said where's my 100 bucks. She mumbled something back to me in Italian. I think she said "Go Fuck Yourself".

I was unaware of her damage and said listen lady I work hard for my money and even though you found my wallet I don't think you deserve a 100 bucks. She turned to me and gave me a stare down so vile it made me fall back a couple of steps.

The only thing I could think to do at this point was to "Krump" her. So I gave her the best "Krump" I could and then she gave me full on "Kick the dog" with some step ball change action. I geared up and gave her another "Krump" and a booty shake that stirred up the lobby. They started to applaud. Barbara then hit me with a flamenco snap and twirl that left me mesmerized. I then spun into a full vogue with a rockette kick, ouch , hurt my "Gout" a bit. The crowd was wild and they started to throw money. Barbara then shocked me with a "Cha Cha" to die for. She grabbed the back of my neck and hand and we busted into a hot "Tango". We became one in our dance. We were like lovers in an unbridled moment. It was hot! At the end of our tango we got lost in the moment and kissed.

I moved back and saw the longing in her eyes but I had to end it. I apologized and looked down at the floor. There had to have been 500 bucks thrown from the crowd. Barbara then said. "There's your money bitch with interest" She grabbed 50 bucks and went on her way.

It was a magical moment, wow.

Only at the Olympics Kids,

Kisses, MargOH!

MargOH! Detained

Hey Kids,

You are not going to believe this but I am being detained in Italy. I misplaced my passport, Credit Cards, ID, everything, but didn't realize I didn't have it until I got to the airport. I was going to go back to my hotel to find my wallet but they wouldn't let me go.

One of the guards is a huge fan of "Laugh in" and thinks I'm Joanne Worley. They are making me try and do that thing she does , that screeching noise but I am not living up to their expectations. They are getting very angry.

Instead of letting me leave they have sent for Bode Miller to confirm my story. I'm getting a little thirsty. They have no champagne on Hand... very strange.

Oh, here they come. I have to go. I'll keep you updated. Don't worry kids I'll be fine.

This isn't my first time at the Rodeo!!!

Kisses, MargOH!

Madonna has a Hernia, Oh My

Hey Kids,

I knew when I saw Maddy doing those high kicks on the Grammy's she was over doing it. Poor thing went straight to the hospital. Luckily she had that corset on or she may have spilt right onto the stage.

Kids, gotta run Johnny Weir and I are heading over to Bodie Miller's Trailer for
some Boonesfarm and nuts.

Kisses, MargOH!

See article below


Pop star Madonna has been treated for a hernia.

"She had a minor procedure for a hernia and is absolutely fine now," her spokeswoman said on Thursday.

After performing at the Grammy, Madonna re-appeared in public accepting a Brit record industry statuette in London as Best International Female Artist of the year.

Madonna widely regarded as one of the fittest stars in the pop business; it is well seen in the video for her latest single "Sorry."

Last year in the United States over half a million hernia repair operations were performed. A hernia develops when the outer layers of the abdominal wall weaken, bulge or actually rip.

Gorton's Rolls out the Red Carpet for MargOH!

Hey Kids,

It ended up being a lovely Valentines day. Though I did have to spend some time with
my mother Sully.

Sully called me last week and asked me to perform at the Fish Mongers retirement home in Anchorage. Of course I said no way but then she told me that Gorton's had bought it and it was now called The Gorton's Fish Mongers retirement home.

Well I saw fish sticks dancing in my head when Sully said they were willing to cough up 6 grand plus my travel expenses.

I immediately called Dr. Chow to get a cortisone injection to ease the pain of my little "Gout" problem. I needed to be eased back into my mules.. I missed them so.

Berna threw my luggage together and I was off. I planned to perform 2 shanty songs. One called "Shoals of Herring" and the other "True Sailor Boy". I also was going to add in "Shiver me Timbers" and "Cabaret". I mean I didn't want to go overboard on the theme. Oh Yes I also did an encore of "My Funny Valentine".

I was of course a smash and the crowd was going wild. Though the average age of the home is 77 they are full of energy and frisky. I made an extra 100 bucks flashing the Ta Ta's for this guy named Captain Jack.

Luckily I did because when I got my pay it was only for 5400. I of course went straight to the office and they told me that Sully had taken a 10% finders fee.
I ran right to her room but by the time I got there the room was full of Lucky Strikes and Jack Daniels.

"MargoH! babe I ran off during the show and got me some smokes and drink with my fee", Sully said

"What fee you old Tuna, there's no fee for you", I said and grabbed what she had left in her hand, 50 bucks. "You could have bought a years worth of canned salmon with this", I added

"The fee is not for the performance, it was for giving birth to your big boned crabby ass", Sully screamed.

Well, I could go on but it gets a bit messy and involves a bit of broken glass and cigarette burns. I will spare you the ugly details but just know that I am not visiting Sully again until she bites it and I can throw her into the pacific.

Kids don't get the wrong idea I love my mother Sully but love hurts sometimes.

I have posted some pics of my performance, enjoy.

Kids one more thing , I am off to Torino for the games. I will tell you all about it in my next post.

Kisses, MargOH!

Blowing you on Valentines Day

Hey Kids,

Blowing you a kiss that is!!!

Happy Valentines to all of my darlings out there.You know who you are!

Love and Kisses,

MargOH!

I Am Damn Mad

Hey Kids,

Watch out everyone Dick Cheney may be hunting in your AREA.... Run...

Also Kids, Berna is trying to make my blog prettier but she is not having any luck.

So please excuse the set up of my blog at the moment. It is a bit how should I say..
"Drunk" at the moment. Yes, Thats it "Drunk".

Hopefully Berna can get it straight soon.

Kisses Kids,

MargOH!

Pretty Girls get "GOUT" too

Hey Kids,

I had a huge weekend planned(I was going to hang out with Beyonce and Kelly),but when I woke up Friday morning I could barely walk.

Well I had Berna carry me to the doctors and I was rushed in due to my telling them I was suppose to meet Beyonce and Kelly Roland at Barney's for Tea and light refreshments. Dr. Chow took one look at my foot and said you got the "GOUT".

Of course I had no idea what he was saying so I thought he was referring to the fact I hadn't taken a shower so I slapped him in the face. Berna calmed me down and said "Gout" is a form of Arthritis caused by the build up of Uric acid in the blood. She told me that it was considered an aristocratic ailment and I should be happy about that. I slapped her as well and said "What in the Gout am I gonna do, I can't even put on a mule".

The doctor asked what I had been eating and I said "Nothing but beets and red wine"(I've lost 15 pounds kids). "I see" he said and shook his head. "You have probably made your body go into Uric shock by mixing red wine and Beets". "You Must stop it at once ,especially the Red Wine", he said. I slapped him again.

I guess I can lay off the beets but give up red wine, never. I pleaded , doctor. What can I do?. He said, "you must eat and drink your weight in Black Cherry juice and celery to help flush out the Uric acid". I slapped him again

"Can I put vodka in the Cherry juice" , I pleaded.

"MargOH!, I think you have to give up the booze", Dr. Chow said

The next thing I remember was waking up in my Bed with a pitcher of Cherry juice on my bed table with Berna standing over me. I screamed.

"You passed out from the shock of no more booze". "Drink this".

I gulped down the Cherry juice and nursed my "GOUT" all weekend. It hurts!!! I of course missed tea with Beyonce and Kelly but they did send a note and it read.

Dear MargOH!,

We heard about your illness and were shocked. We didn't know that Pretty girls get GOUT. I thought that was only something fat girls get, you know like Star Jones Reynolds.
We are sending you a bowl of fresh cherries so we can meet up with you soon. Nurse that GOUT girl!

Check it,

Beyonce and Kelly

Aren't they the sweetest things and so are these cherries. Berna get me the damn vodka to add to this bowl, the cherries need something.

wish me luck on my recovery, ouch

Kisses,

MargOH!

Grammy RUN-down my Leg

Hey Kids,

Luckily I decided to stay home rather than accepting my invite to the Grammy's from Lee Ann Womack.

Was anyone else bored?

Now I am a lover of great music and the Grammy's are usually a great source for wonderful performances. Who could forget Ricky Martin's electrifying performance a few years back or Pro-Active darling Alicia Keys singing her little heart out.

This year however started out with a bang called Madonna but fizzled out quickly. I was a bit concerned about Madonna's outfit but the way she threw those legs up and at her age. I was up on my feet, just lovely.

The things started to get weird.... Poor Paul , he really needs at least Ringo to make anything exciting.

I also have a sinking suspicion that John Legend and Kanye West are butt banging. They seem overly amore of each other, if you get my drift.

Thankfully Pig Pen, i.e. Kelly Clarkson came through with a big win and a great performance. I call her Pig Pen now because she always looks a bit sweaty and like she rolled around in some dust...

I thought things were looking up but then Jay Z and Linkin Park just messed everything up. Um I better watch it or I might get a bullet...

By this time I was drenched in Red Wine to wash down my beet fried steak. Yes, I am still on the beet diet. I have lost 13 pounds. Talking about pounds...

Mariah was up next and she looks like she may need a week of my Beet Diet. Don't get me wrong you know I love my Mariah and working with her is a blast.... however her choice of outfit last night was how should I say it... a bit Prom 1986. Also the Lip Synch tips I gave her have gone on a deaf ear, I tried. I know she was singing most of the song but she had peanut butter mouth for the last few moments. All in All I love Mariah and I am glad she picked up a few. Grammy's that is!!!

Now I come to the night of the evening when I am actually nodding off to see Mariah's protege Christina Aguilera. She looked lovely but she butchered that song. I am not sure if she was rinsing with Listerine or trying to hit a note. All I know is that she had so many Runs on her notes that she made me get diarrhea. Talk about the power of suggestion, yikes.

I wonder what happened to the spark of the Grammy?

I know that everytime I go to the EXIES(The Extra Actors Awards) I have fun. We always have some of the best inanimate performances that seem to work.... It is not easy to make believe you are talking to someone, ya know.

I think we should get Sly Stone to do a few jobs cause he sure can't sing anymore, poor thing.

Gotta Run,

MargOH!

A "Penny Arcade" for your thoughts

Hey Kids,

Since I have moved back to New York I have met so many wonderful people and some miserable wrecks. The miserable wrecks are those who feel they are entitled to something grand. The ones who think they don't have to work for anything (i.e. the Paris Hilton's of the world). Unfortunately, these miserable wrecks have all flocked here to change the whole vibe of the city I adore. A gentrification if you will.

The wonderful people I have met all seem to have one common bond and that is to create purposeful art and to preserve the history of this great city.

One of those wonderful people that is at the forefront of the movement is my dear friend Penny Arcade. Penny is a woman who has seen and done it all. She is an accomplished artist and performer who speaks her mind and is not afraid to confront issues that are important to her. She has worked with many great artists including the legendary director John Vaccaro who led "The Playhouse of the Ridiculous".

She has also done excellent solo works like "Bitch, Dyke, Faghag, Whore" and her latest "New York Values". I have seen the latter several times and I just can't get enough of it, the piece is just fabulous. She speaks about the gentrification of the place she has called home for many years "The Lower East Side". Penny is actually a living , breathing, history lesson that is full of information of a time that has passed.

She has made it her mission to preserve the history of her life and the other artists and inhabitants of the LES through her MNN program " The Lower East Side Biography Project". She also continues to promote the current and future great artists of the city through the Annual "Howl Festival". Penny is a visionary as well and has made me understand that you have to embrace and cherish your past and present to create a fabulous future.

This is a wonderful gift that Penny is giving us and I want everyone to think and know about this humble and gorgeous woman. She is truly legendary.

Penny is also married to a hottie named Chris Rael( an accomplished singer/songwriter and musician) whom I also just lust... I mean drool...I mean admire. They are quite a team and I just love their energy and am so lucky to know both of them.

If I could just get some of the miserable wrecks to be put under the spell of Ms. Arcade this city and the world would be a much better place. I think Cindy Adams should be the first to take a history lesson from Penny and then maybe "The Olsen Twins" or how about Gwyneth?

I know one thing! I will continue to take lessons and learn all I can from my darling Penny.

The line starts behind me, I'll bring the champagne!!!!


Bravo Penny!!!!

Kisses Kids,

MargOH!

PS- The pics of Penny are from Trigger Magazine and taken by Evan Sung.

They are gorgeous!!!!

Fashion week , mmmmm

Hey Kids,

I didn't even want to go to fashion week but Lee ann Womack gave me a call to say she was in town and was going to the Tracey Reese show. I decided to go even though I know Lee Ann is a bit well.. how should I say Crazy. Remember my post about the CMA's yikes.

I ended up meeting Lee Ann at the tent and we downed some champaigne and then I made small talk with Marcia Gay Harden. That means the star rating at this affair was how should I say low.... Lee Ann ended up rubbing elbows with Philip Bloch, you know that annoying stylist so I ran off and chatted with porn darling Jenna Jameson who I had just bonded with at the AVN's. She is so sweet...and chock full of cock jokes, a real mouthful she is.

Carrie Underwood was there and she was a lot of fun. She told me that she was reading my blog. I was very excited and asked her how she found it. She told me that Lee Ann had complained to her about my CMA post and she decided to check it out and now she is hooked. Carrie Leaned into me and said between you and me she is a nut job.

I forgot to tell Carrie that in my last post I promised to tell the truth so I have to post it, sorry Carrie.

Kisses, MargOH

I promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Jose Quervo!

Hey Kids,

What in the shot of Jack Daniels is going on in the literary world?

First we have James Frey exaggerate his memoirs to the point that he embarrassed the most powerful woman in the country, The Big O herself Oprah!

Though I would never tell stories on my blog that are not true.I don't think that his mistruths are really that big of a deal. They are things that he probably jotted down after he drank a bottle of Vodka (he looks like a drinker). This is nothing to get all worked up about however...

The second disturbing literary hoax has come out about JT Leroy and this story really makes me angry. JT Leroy actually lied about being an HIV + , Transsexual truck stop prostitute. JT Leroy is actually some 40 year old woman named Laura Albert. It is one thing to ghost write but to create a character that is so far removed from your reality and pass it off as a true story is just sick.

The other frightening thing is how all of these great literary minds fell for this crap. They were so wrapped up in taking credit for finding this genius that they failed to realize the impact this nut might have on the actual HIV + Transsexual truck stop prostitutes. They all had suspicions that JT was not the real writer.

Poor Madonna, she must be beside herself and ready to pounce on Ms. Albert. What about all the other poor celebrities that were running to be around this young troubled genius.

I just feel very sorry for Ms. Albert and her lies. It is sad she felt she had to use the idea of being a Transsexual to get a deal..... When most GLBT writers can barely get their voices heard

I say shame on you lady!!!

I am making a Margatrita as we speak to calm myself down..... Berna hand me the limes and some salt would you babe.

Kisses, MargOH!

Is America Really Free?

Hey Kids,

MargOH! is angry this morning.... after I read that Cindy Sheehan was arrested for wearing an Anti-War T-shirt.

This is scary stuff Kids. This country has gone mad. Wearing a T-shirt is a silent protest and is not threatening or violent.

I didn't listen to the speech last night because I probably would have smashed my television. I decided to spend my evening celebrating the career of John Vaccaro (visionary director) hosted by the fabulous Penny Arcade (I am going to do a seperate post about my darling Penny soon, love her).

I think we should all put on the damn T-shirt and wear it every damn day.....

Kids I need a drinky,

Here's the MSN article

Capitol Police arrest antiwar activist Sheehan
Invited to State of the Union address, she is removed from gallery


NBC News and news services
Updated: 3:37 a.m. ET Feb. 1, 2006
Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a fallen soldier in Iraq who reinvigorated the antiwar movement, was arrested and removed from the House gallery Tuesday night just before President Bush’s State of the Union address, a police spokeswoman said.

Sheehan, who was invited to attend the speech by Rep. Lynn Woolsey, D-Calif., was charged with demonstrating in the Capitol building, said Capitol Police Sgt. Kimberly Schneider. The charge was later changed to unlawful conduct, Schneider said. Both charges are misdemeanors.

Sheehan was taken in handcuffs from the Capitol to police headquarters a few blocks away. Her case was processed as Bush spoke
Schneider said Sheehan had worn a T-shirt with an antiwar slogan to the speech and covered it up until she took her seat. Police warned her that such displays were not allowed, but she did not respond, the spokeswoman said.

The T-shirt bore the words “2,245 Dead — How Many More??” in reference to the number of U.S. troops killed in Iraq, protesters told NBC News.

Police handcuffed Sheehan and removed her from the gallery before Bush arrived. Sheehan was to be released on her own recognizance, Schneider said.